Scrub a dub dub

Warning: This post is not only sponsored, but it might actually result in pregnancy. (I may or may not be speaking from experience.)

According to Men's Journal, which, I have to assume is a man with a diary and internet access, scent does not elicit any specific behaviors or responses in humans (as far as his thinking goes, which I think we can all safely assume means SEXUAL behavior/response). That may be true, but I can certainly testify that there are certain scents on a man that I find revolting. Listed here, in no particular order:

• Axe anything 
• cologne in general
• farts
• diarrhea
• barf

The last two don't count when the output is produced by our offspring because that means he has handled the nasty situation and I didn't have to, so by default, he is more attractive in my eyes.

I am very sensitive to smells and get a really bad headache when Steve goes so far as to use deodorant that is too strong. He used to wear cologne fairly regularly when we'd go out, but I'm not sure if my sense of smell has gotten better (hmmmm possibly related to all these pregnancies?) or if he we just don't go out much anymore (definitely related to all these pregnancies), but if he randomly decides to spritz some on before mass, I do act as if I might die.

Anyways, all of this olfactory backstory to tell y'all that the soap options in our house have to pass some pretty rigorous sniff-testing in order to get my stamp of approval. So when New Man Revolution contacted me about trying out some of their body wash, you will understand that I had some initial hesitation. But after reading that their products don't contain any of the harsh chemicals, sulfates, or parabens found in other soaps (but instead, are infused with essential oils), I was sold. No way can any essential oil combo result in an Axe smell. In fact, it might actually smell good.

Well.

We got this body wash the other day in the mail and I opened it to sniff it while Molly and I (and Will) were eating lunch. Y'all. It smelled SO GOOD. To the point that my reaction made Molly grab it from me and start sniffing. We were kinda fighting over who got to hold the bottle and stick their nose in it. At this point, I debated telling Steve that the body wash just never came in the mail and then I'd hoard it and secretly use it myself. But part of the review agreement was giving mine AND Steve's opinion on the product, so I gave it to him after all. (sad)

Steve's thoughts:

• smells good
• suds up nicely
• manly bottle
• please quit using it

My thoughts:

• obviously, smells amazing without knocking me out with any over-the-top manufactured smells
• I love that there are no harsh chemicals
• supporting veteran-owned and operated companies is a major bonus
• a percentage of their profits go towards veterans charities and cancer research foundations, which is awesome
• I will continue to use it because I'm a rebel (and a real sucker for that peppermint-y smell)

Molly's thoughts:

• dis smells yummy

So there you have it, folks. Lady approved, ages 4 and up. So if you want to get your man some manly body wash (or manpoo), hop on over to New Man Revolution and check them out. I'm off to go sniff Steve some more. Maybe order us him more bodywash for Valentine's Day because I used it all!

What could be more manly than this?

**I was given a bottle of bodywash in exchange for my honest review. I only review products that I would actually use and recommend to a friend, and will rarely ever turn down a company that supports veterans or charities.**

You were probably unaware of my celebrity status

For the past four or five years I have been using the same Vera Bradley wristlet to carry my phone and wallet. (I will usually bring my purse with me (which is an equally raggedy diaper bag that's trying to live the high life as a purse, but that's a post for another day) to carry spare diapers and wipes and hand sanitizer and all the accoutrements that go along with being A MOM, but if I'm running into a store, I only take my phone, keys, and wallet.) Back to the story: I keep thinking, it's cloth, I should probably just take everything out of it and wash it, but really, that is one of the rock bottom things on my to-do list these days so it never gets done. And I only think about it when I catch Will sucking on it and then I throw up a little bit. It has worked so well for me for a few years but I can recognize when it's time to move on. So I've been on the hunt for something similar in function and maybe, just maybe, slightly more forward on the fashion. Back before I got this massive iPhone, my phone would (tightly) fit inside the wristlet. No more. If I take my phone with me into a store, I end up attaching my keys to my wristlet and then carrying my phone, which inevitably gets dropped. I like to think all those cracks on my screen add character a la weathered shiplap in a Chip and Joanna Gaines home. Some call me a dreamer. Anyways. I got this email from the jimmyCASE company and immediately I was flattered. And then I was wary. Is this a scam? Which of my four readers works for a phone case company? And then I was back to thinking about how THIS MIGHT SOLVE MY ACTUAL REAL-LIFE PROBLEM.

Please, stay tuned. This naturally gets worse before it gets better.

So I talk to Steve about it. He calls me a sellout blogger and balks at my skewed moral compass. I roll my eyes at how high and mighty he is. Who knew you had to be almost 6 ft to have such high morals. I'm only 5'9" so I have no chance! I text a friend that I'm fairly certain will side with me and remind me of how I often take the moral high road. Ok, I made the part about the moral high road up, but she did side with me. So I tell Steve more about my low morals and how this worked out so well with my search for a new wallet/phone solution. I let him know that I've already emailed back and accepted their offer and this is who I am now, take me or take me. You're stuck with me for life, sucker, free phone case and all.

Fast forward to Monday. I check the mail and the jimmyCASE has arrived. I open it up and it's so cool. I am elated that this was not a scam. But the more I look at it..... it looks kinda... small. Then it dawns on me that I told the PR guy I had an iPhone 6 when in reality I have an iPhone 6 PLUS. And as it turns out, there is a sizable difference in phone size between the two. Huh. So yes, well, it seems that I am finally offered something useful in exchange for blogging and I go and screw it up. Then I look at Steve's phone and he has a 6. I take his case off and slide the new case on. It fits like a glove. I show him how nice it is and DAMMIT this was supposed to work for ME but then he got a little wide-eyed and started mentioning how nice it looks with the real wood grain and Army green elastic band and wow, this would work nicely for carrying my CAC card around at work.

I gently reminded him that that iPhone wallet case was supposed to carry my Target credit card and solve all of my wallet/phone problems, but the man was long gone. The phone case is his.

I can't say no to that face! Look how nicely that CAC card slides in and out- like it was made for him.

We can both agree (despite our vast differences in height as well as morality) that the case is very well made and "manly" (although there are plenty of different color options to appeal to both sexes). I personally believe it would make a nice Christmas/birthday gift for a man that is constantly using a CAC card or any other sort of ID card all day long. As far as a lady.... I will be honest in that it probably wouldn't fulfill all of my needs (but let's not forget how needy I am). My basic Target run- oh yes. Perfection. But it can't replace my wallet since I need all sorts of loyalty punch cards on my person at all times, multiple charge cards, change- foreign and domestic (cannot convince myself to purge all of my Korean money out. still. I know. It's officially a sickness.), and random weeds flowers that I am presented with daily (toldja I was special). So this phone case has mine (and Steve's *sigh*) official stamp of approval.

In other news, did you know that it's fun to blog while drinking wine and the kids are asleep? Very enjoyable. I highly recommend. How many Fridays until Christmas? Somebody on Pinterest knows. Maybe get one of these for the impossible-to-shop-for man/men in your life.

I think I'm supposed to make some sort of legal disclaimer here that I was given a phone case to review, but (obviously) all thoughts and opinions on said case are my own. Re: moral high roads.

Here we are, a month later..

• Oh hello again! Nice to be back! I took a little unplanned blogging break when Steve left for the field this past month. Apparently I don't have enough brain power to raise the kids and write complete sentences simultaneously. He got back very early Saturday morning (2am-ish) and is back at work at 9am again today (Sunday). Because what says "thank you for spending a month away from your family" quite like a six-day work week immediately following. Ah, the Army. I love to hate it.
• Speaking of the Army, you might have noticed that you got a special ooh-la-la invite to read this cobweb-covered blog! That is because of all of this batshit crazy ISIS stuff and also, because I've been thinking for a while about how my children might one day feel about their lives being "out there" on the internet. I like to know who is seeing pictures of them and hearing about their little moments. And making everything private seemed like the best way to give me peace of mind on all of those fronts. So here we are. Thanks for coming!
• I was trying to recap this past month by making photo collages from all the pictures I took. Then I realized I had way more than one picture per day and it just got a little overwhelming. And I think this past month is a great example of how well I deal with overwhelming situations. (*radio silence*) So to do a very general recap, I:
• had girls' nights with wine/popcorn/chocolate post-kid bedtime
• spent a lot of time on the playground with our neighbors
• went on a lot of walks
• cooked (and ate) an unholy amount of macaroni and cheese and called it a proper dinner
• bathed the kids semi-regularly
• texted Steve no fewer than eleventy billion times
• did a few photography sessions
• ordered two entire chicken nuggets at a McDonald's drive-thru (instead of two ORDERS)- ego immediately deflated. And had to really improvise because the kids were kind of excited to eat something besides macaroni for dinner.
• did a clothes swap with two great friends
• visited the mail room and had many an awkward conversation
• took the kids to preschool and relished the few hours of silence and productivity
• rearranged my room with Aggie (after maggots in the kitchen AND a colony of dust bunnies under my bed- she is still my friend. A VERY GOOD FRIEND.)
• ate the best chocolate cake I've ever had in my life
• fed some fish, played in the sand, watched my kids develop the Army Orphan Syndrome and call every man they saw "daddy"
• We did more, but Steve is gone again, so my brain is kinda mushy again. (Sad. I know.)
• Let me tell you about this guy in the mail room. Back story: Over here, we have to go to these little huts from the 50s to retrieve our mail. Each unit has their own little hut and soldiers pass out your mail and boxes. It's really disappointing to go all the way there and unload the kids outta the car only to find you have absolutely nothing to pick up. But on this particular day, I had a lot of mail. A new guy (super chummy) was working and did his best to make all sorts of small talk while I refereed my children and tried to pretend I was listening. Well then Sam ran smack into a door and was crying. I picked him up and tried to distract him.
• me: "Look, Sam! We have FOUR packages! Wowee!"
• Sam: "I don't want four packages!"
• me: "Well I sure do!"
• soldier: "I bet you do!" *wink*
• After hauling everyone/everything back to the car, I looked at what we'd gotten. I had ordered a Fitbit from Amazon and it arrived! Yay! But the customs form labeled it as "personal care appliance item." Oh. OH! THAT'S WHAT THAT WINK WAS ABOUT OMG OMG OMG.
• I was mortified. There is no going back now. Except I have to. Every week for the next year if I want my mail. Now every time I see him, my packages all suddenly seem to have perv-y customs form descriptions. "DVDs and personal care item" is actually some movies for Sam and a hairbrush for Molly, but oh well. At least my trips to that hut are never boring.
• Speaking of hairbrushes- my neighbor recommended this brush to me to use on Molly's hair. I literally broke a comb in her hair one night. She was always crying and screaming even though I was using detangler and trying to be as gentle as possible. It was easily the worst part of my day outside of having someone touch their toes with their rear in my face so that I could wipe away their residual fecal matter. Anyways, I used this brush the other night (without detangler spray) and closed my eyes as I put it in her hair. Then I pulled it down. I wondered if it was actually doing anything because there were no screams. Molly was chatting away as if nothing was happening. After a few more brushes, I wanted to hit my knees and cry out to the heavens! IT WORKS! IT WORKS! HALLELUJAH WE ARE SAVED!! So if you are dealing with some kinky hair and need a miracle? Please buy that brush. (*I wish someone was paying me to say all that, but in reality, no one will pay a private blogger to do anything, so that is just my own experience and I don't want anyone else to break a comb in their child's hair amen.*)
• I'm pretty certain that most of you lovely people follow me on instagram, but in case you missed the news, Steve finally got promoted!! Wahoo! He was so fortunate (SARCASM ALERT) to fall into the group that got extended as lieutenants for an extra year, so we are happy that it's finally arrived. He has only been doing captain's jobs from the get-go, so it is nice that he is actually getting paid for the work! That also makes my blog name not really work anymore, so who knows what will happen with that. I voted for a Captain D's Seafood theme, but eh. Needs a bit more thought, I guess.
• I am going to try to blog more frequently. Promise. It might not be anything earth-shattering, but I do love reading back over our days, so I'm going to make a better effort at putting something up here most days. In between re-learning how to cook something other than macaroni for dinner this week, getting ready for Sam's birthday party this weekend, continuing to ignore the laundry and head down to social hour at the playground after naps, I'd say I have my work cut out for me. Happy weekend and War Eagle!

((Here are two of the collages I made before I got overwhelmed and shut the computer and refused to make more.))

Everything you ever wanted to know about Fort Campbell, with pictures AND links! So helpful!

With our days dwindling here at Fort Campbell and a new and unknown duty station on the horizon, I started thinking about all of the things I wish I'd known about this place when we got here (and the things I wish I knew about where we are going). It's hard coming into a new town with no friends and wonder where you should go to get your hair cut, or where to find the best Chinese food, or which preschool you should send your child to. So I have compiled a list of these things for the Unprepared Army Wife like myself that doesn't want to read dozens of Yelp reviews on gynecological care or Mexican restaurants. Just tell me who's the best dammit. So without further ado, here is The List.

I got my teeth cleaned at Clarksville Dental Center.

I saw my OB/GYN at Premier OB/GYN. (Dr. Sawyer- she is hilarious and amazing and most likely booked. But worth a shot anyway.)

Molly did well-baby checks at Aquino Pediatrics.

Sam did well-baby checks at Screaming Eagle Medical Center. (It's a long story as to why they don't go to the same clinic. If you're interested in that precious backstory, just email me and I'll spill it.) (And PS, you will most likely want to switch to Tricare Standard when you arrive. I promise you that your sanity is worth so much more than that tiny baby deductible. And going to BACH will eat up your sanity quicker than I eat a Reeses.)

I got my hair did at The Chameleon Salon.

For any waxing or massage needs, go to Studio Wax. (And don't be scared.)

I never found a nail place that didn't creep me out in some way or another. Sorry for my lack of help there.

I got spray-tanned for homecoming at Bella Medical Spa. 

Back when we had dogs, they went to the vet at Oak Grove Animal Hospital. We boarded them at The Pet Lodge. That place is twelve different kinds of awesome and you can tell those people really like their jobs. Worth the drive.

Good Chinese food (fresh) can be found at Redwood Chinese (and they deliver). Also, an English-is-my-primary-language person works the phone so the entire process of ordering is very easy. Sometimes if you ask them for more than one fortune cookie, they will put in 17. Not joking.

A farmer's market happens every weekend in the warmer months in downtown Clarksville. If fresh, organic produce (read: $$$) and random homemade lovelies are your scene, you might enjoy this weekly event. (Bring cash.)

All Walmarts make me feel like I need a shower post-shopping, but out of all the Walmarts in the Fort Campbell area, the one in Oak Grove skeeves me out the least. Under no circumstances are you allowed to go to the Clarksville Walmart on Campbell Blvd. Especially after dark.

For a wide variety of delicious donuts, as well as the possibility of sighting a train or two, make the drive to Hopkinsville and go to Whistle Stop Donuts.

If you're in the market for a good, fresh glazed donut, take a drive through the country and visit the Mennonites at Schlabach's Bakery. (Donuts are only available on Saturdays in the morning.)

We have only picked strawberries at McCraw's Strawberry Ranch, but friends tell me H&S Farms is a good place to go as well.

If you have no kids to tow and time to kill, This Old Place is an interesting place to browse. Also, you can drop some mad money at Miss Lucille's.

Sam went to preschool at First Presbyterian. We loved the teachers and his classmates and it was a really great experience all around.

Kids N Play is a fun place to take your kid(s) on a cold or rainy day. Just be sure to sanitize everyone post-playtime and bring socks, mama. You will most likely be going into the playplace yourself.

Zig Zag Bouncers is an indoor bounce house/play place in Hopkinsville. You pay one admission and can come and go all day long. Their prices are cut in half from 4-8pm. This makes some after-dinner bouncing well worth your money. (For us, we only had to pay $4 for Sam, $0 for Molly (since she's under 2), and $0 for parents (Bring socks! You can jump too!). So for $4 (we went during the half-off hours), we all got to bounce and play and everyone slept GREAT that night.

You can go "hiking" at Dunbar Caves. The longest loop is only 1.91 miles though. So maybe you can do it twice and call it a hike.

There really are a bunch of great playgrounds on post and in Clarksville. Liberty Park might be the best one off-post. This one is really nice as well, and much closer to post. On-post, the gate 1 park is the greatest (in my humble opinion) because it is huge and shaded. Others might argue that the gate 5 park behind Starbucks is the best because, well, Starbucks. Also, a splash park. But it is way too crowded for my liking and you need to get there around 8am to secure a slice of (severely limited) shade.

Another note- the splash park behind Starbucks is overcrowded because it is the only free water "facility" on post. There are four other pools (3 outdoor, 1 indoor), but you must pay to use them. (RIDICULOUS)

The Greenway is a nice place to walk/jog, especially in the fall when the leaves are changing. It's a sketchy drive to get there, but just keep reminding yourself that you live in Clarksville now, and this is your new normal.

You can go paint a picture at Swirlz. Personally, I am not impressed with the selection, but it's an excuse to get out of the house and drink your wine somewhere else.

The local winery hosts a Jazz On The Lawn event. I have written about our experience here. As with most events in this area, I would advise you go in with low expectations. Then at least you can only be pleasantly surprised.

You can kill an hour or so during a rainy day at the Don F Pratt Museum looking at jeeps and helicopters and military displays. And across the street is Sam's most favorite reward for behaving at the commissary- a park of old airplanes and helicopters (as well as memorials dedicated to fallen Fort Campbell soldiers).

Go pick your pumpkins at Christian Way Farm. Do it. DO IT. You won't regret it. The drive is worth it. Get there right after lunch so you have time to do everything. And bring cash because that place is out in the sticks and God only knows where you can find an ATM. (Blogged here- prepare your eyes for eleventy billion adorable pictures.)

At Christmastime, you should park your car and walk through Christmas On The Cumberland.

You can expect a deliciously greasy burger at Johnny's. You can eat delicious greasy burgers AND corn nuggets at Kelly's Big Burger, so obviously this is where I would prefer to eat all my meals. (Bring cash for both places.)

Pancho Villa has good Mexican food. We've never strayed so I can't comment on any other places in town. Blogged here and with an old video of baby Sammy.

Jackie does amazing photography work. There are a lot of "photographers" around here offering cheap sessions, but keep in mind that you get what you pay for. A fancy camera does not a photographer make. (Notice how she got my children to smile (Molly- sort of) and angled me so that I don't look 200lbs heavy. MIRACLES. BOOK HER NOW.)

Other interesting facts:

• The water on-post and in Oak Grove is VERY HARD. Add more detergent to everything. And Lemi-Shine to your dishwasher. And buy a faucet filter for drinking. That sht is barely passable for human consumption.
• You can't buy wine at a grocery store in Tennessee or Kentucky. Yet there are drive-through liquor stores so you tell me how that makes sense.
• You can't get on the wait-list for housing until you physically get here. I've heard that's just a crazy Ft Campbell thing, but is it like that anywhere else? It makes absolutely no sense, but get used to it. That might be your new mantra here at the home of the Screaming Eagles.
• We've lived on-post and off and prefer on-post by a landslide. Maintenance guys come by and fix the things that break, I am mailed a check every month for not using all of my allotted energy, I can walk to six different playgrounds (all within a one-mile-radius), husband comes home after PT and for lunch, and I can pass my kids over my fence to my neighbor when I'm stressed out. I SEE NO DOWNSIDE.

*******

I just read my list to Steve to see if I left anything obvious out. "You make this place sound desirable," he said. Well. That certainly wasn't my intention. I just thought of all the things I'd like to know about my new town upon arrival and wrote them down. It's no secret that we haven't really enjoyed being stationed here. It's a typical Army town, I guess, but our main issues have come from the job-side more than anything else. The good part that I am genuinely sad to leave behind are our amazing friends. I seriously could not have fallen into a better bunch of people. But I didn't meet these folks overnight. I'm still amazed at how I ended up knowing some of these ladies. All of that to say, don't be shy! Go talk to that weird-looking, frizzy-haired mom in the yoga pants at story-time. She might be really cool despite how sweaty she is!

This is not an exhaustive list, just the things I could think of to recommend. Fort Campbell friends, did I leave anything out? Anything you wanna add?

I think I'm getting soft

Let's do a crunchy inventory real quick, shall we?

1. Cloth diapers. Well, one out of two in cloth diapers. And not while we're moving. And mostly depending on what the washer/dryer situation in Korea is like. So maybe this is more stale than full-on crunchy since there's the chance of abandoning cloth altogether in the very near future.

2. Buying organic when possible. The commissary here has an okay-meh-sometimes-raunchy selection of organic produce. So I buy organic when it makes sense and try not to sweat it when we don't. If I had just Steve and myself that I to feed, I probably wouldn't even venture over to the organic section, but since I'm feeding tiny bodies fruits and veggies (well, attempting, at least), I don't want them to sprout an eleventh finger (just another nail to cut) or a second head (that equals a second mouth which equals more whining which means I need to start drinking NOW) by way of weird pesticides and chemicals.

3. Natural cleaning products. I steam mop my floors, use vinegar in my bathrooms (except for the black mold in my shower- that requires a full-on bottle of Scrubbing Bubbles- fight scary with scary), and don't use air fresheners. People who visit our house probably wish we would just suck up the side effects of the air fresheners already, but sorry. That smell (cloth dipes!) keeps folks from lingering for too long.

4. Recycle. I can't think of an easier way to be green than that.

Annnnnnnnd that's a wrap. Turns out that we're not so crunchy. At least not break-your-front-tooth-crunchy like a Nature Valley granola bar. We're more like an expired Quaker chewy bar, I guess. But those are good too in their own special way. Especially the chocolate-covered ones. ANYWAYS. I digress.

I was recently contacted by Happy Family to review some of their products. And yes, my first thought was that I was giving out my address to a serial killer. But then coupons and squeezies came in the mail and lo! THIS IS FOR REAL. We buy Happy Baby and Happy Tot squeezy packs daily weekly at the commissary. Mostly because they are the cheapest. But also because they are organic (re: my chewy-crunchy stance on that) and offer the biggest variety of veggie squeezies. I know they offer fruit squeezies as well, but my kids have no problems eating fruit. Therefore, no money shall be spent on mushed fruit in a pouch amen. And if it is, we call that a **Special Occasion**.  (And yogurt is still ice cream, I will cut the person who tells my children otherwise.)

Sam prefers the crinkle-and-squeeze method for getting every last drop.

Molly doesn't waste time with all that nonsense.

Anywho, I've never actually tried any of the squeezies before. Mostly because I buy broccoli, pea, and pear squeezies so no thanks. But I tried a taste of each of the squeezies sent to me/the kids and was surprised at how fruity they tasted! No wonder they suck these things down with such wild abandon. (Molly doesn't even take a breath until the whole pouch is completely deflated.) We also tried out the yogurt bites, and those were obviously a hit. They are a Special Treat as well. Mostly because they are very limited (aka the bags are tiny) and are easily smashed into oblivion inside the tiny crevices of any carpet within a 12-ft radius of the child consuming them. (No lie.) In Happy Family's defense, it is nice to have a desirable kid snack that isn't made of total crap. It is just a snack we will save for desperate situations like airplane flights and lunches out (aka places where I am not responsible for the end state of the floors).

Since I went out to dinner with Sarah the other night for dinner, I left Steve to make the Happy Tot meal bowl for Sam. It did not go well. He is our resident Picky Eater. And since I had eaten a small ocean's worth of sushi for dinner that night, I didn't try it myself. Maybe if you don't have a picky eater, that might be a winner for you. Sam mostly prefers turkey dogs to appear out of our microwave, not a meal of quinoa and vegetables.

And now, to get to the point of this post, I have a giveaway. Because I know my kids are not the only ones addicted to squeezies like mini crackheads.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

**I was given the items mentioned above to review, but as you can tell (I hope), the opinions written here are all my own.**

Next time I will probably just pack vodka instead of wine

Ok I think I might be ready to talk about the trip. *deep breaths*

As I mentioned earlier (back when I was really stupid and still had the option to FLY *smacks Jenn from two weeks ago across the face*), I raided the local Dollar Tree (the classy Oak Grove one, for all my Campbell folks reading out there- hello all three of you!). Some more detailed pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Ok, so I got the shape sorter (first picture) at the PX, the toy chain (third picture) for Molly at Babies R Us, and the bop-it-whack-a-mole whatchamacallit (fourth picture) and some of the books at a local yard sale (for LESS than a dollar though). But the rest of the loot crap toys came from Dollar Tree.

Let's discuss the activity toddler tray. It worked pretty well. You'll notice in the picture on Amazon that the little boy is NOT in a convertible toddler carseat, but more of a big-kid carseat. So he seems to be sitting up a little straighter than Sam was. This was the only downfall. Since he was reclined a bit in his carseat, he had trouble reaching things that slid to the far corners (which happened approximately every 0.4 seconds). BUT. It was still helpful to have a solid surface that was attached to his carseat for him to play on.

Has a huge fascination with putting his stinky, cheesy feet on everything. I dunno what to say. This is why we don't have nice things.

Molly was kinda "meh" about the toy chain. She hit it once. By accident. She much prefers the milk apparently.

They are so CUTE when they sleep! Even cuter when they do it at the same time! Take notes children!!!

I think it is worth mentioning that I sat in the backseat for the duration of the trip. (My hardship needs to be recognized! Heh.) Molly likes to see a human face close to her and Sam needed a toy/snack/drink/slap (kidding! haha! kind of) all the time, so it was just easier to sit back with them. We stuck the cooler in the backseat so that I could store extra milk (See how stupid I was two weeks ago?! Extra milk!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA), and I brought a bottle of wine in hopes of simultaneous napping. But that obviously never happened. Couldn't even open the cooler UP thanks to all the extra crap we brought along with us. (Gluten-free picky-eater toddlers must be accommodated with lots and LOTS of food items and that, in turn, takes up lots and LOTS of space. Harumph. I settled for some Chick-fil-a instead. *happy once again*)

Diaper changes took place on the tailgate of Steve's truck. We brought a towel and disposable diapers and it worked out well. Sam did not mind being changed in front of God and the world in the drive-through line so long as he could stare at the cars during the process. I say it went well, but the disposable diapers were a nightmare. Steve ACTUALLY SAID, "I cannot wait until we can get the cloth diapers back on them." STEVE SAID THAT. A MAN. WHO WANTS CLOTH DIAPERS. I hope the caps lock gets the message across about how amazed I am to have heard those words exit his mouth. But the disposable ones, aside from the convenience of chucking them immediately after, were horrible. And before you go thinking that I bought some cheap, generic bound-to-explode-the-moment-someone-lets-out-a-tinkle diaper, let me say that we bought PAMPERS. Sensitive, to be exact (because my babies have precious, delicate hineys). I brought along two outfits for Molly and she blew them both out within twenty minutes of each other. Luckily, I had the foresight to line both of their carseats with a disposable liner (these, folded in half), so we did not have to ride the remaining 476 hours of our trip smelling that.

She tends to prefer being naked and cool anyway.

Since it doesn't get dark until midnight these days, it took quite a while for these two to realize that I kept saying "GOODNIGHT!" because it was actually nighttime. Once they both fell asleep, I creeped up into the front seat. Then Steve and I whispered and I fell asleep for two minutes total. Steve will say that I slept for 2 hours, but he's a compulsive liar, so don't believe him when he tells you that. But what he's NOT lying about is how I got us lost. In West Virginia. AKA: It's a pretty part of the country, but don't let that fool you because you just might get murdered and no one will ever find out.
You see, what had happened was... We were going through the only "big city" in WV. I was staring at everything and also giving directions to Steve from my phone. You know how long those directions can get sometimes. It'll say something like, "Go slightly left on I-77 towards Skippers Lake/Shady Hollow/The Place Where They Filmed The Shining/The Red Barn/NE 276456678901 and then merge onto I-79."
So basically what I read was: "Get on I-77." And since some travel companions of mine started screaming and yelling, I told Steve that and went back to my other job of quieting down the tiny people. About, oh I dunno, an hour later, I glanced at my phone again and noticed that we were not driving on the road we were supposed to be on. We were supposed to take I-79. Oops.
When I told Steve, he was understandably pissed. Who wouldn't be? We were going IN THE WRONG DIRECTION on this already never-ending trip. But this man, y'all, he's a keeper. Two minutes after my telling him about my inability to read, he said, "You know what? This is fine. It's a road trip after all. Maybe there's a reason we're not supposed to be on that other interstate right now." And then of course, I felt like a total skunk because not only am I illiterate, but I DO NOT DESERVE THIS MAN. So we snaked through some gorgeous and very scary back roads before popping back out on the CORRECT interstate. Overall, it probably added about two hours to our trip.

Around 1am, Sam piped up with a very enthusiastic "YEAH?!" from the backseat. So... he was up! Weird. He was actually quite pleasant though. I went back, handed him some glowsticks, and he had the time of his life. That dollar was well-spent, no doubt.

We pulled into my in-laws' driveway at 2:30am. Sam proceeded to go batshit crazy. He was so excited to be out! of! his! carseat! He ran around and squealed and laughed and was basically beside himself with joy. This went on until 3:45. Then we called it quits with that noise and threw him in his crib. He immediately passed out and slept until almost noon the next day.

So that was the trip there. It lasted approximately 18.5 hours from buckling in the carseats to bolting out of the truck in Philly. (But it felt like 18.5 DAYS, I kid you not.)

The trip back always seems a little rougher in my opinion. There isn't really anything to look forward to, other than getting settled back into the regular ol' routine. Luckily, Steve looked at the directions ahead of time and I was not allowed to navigate! So that instantly shaved two hours off the return trip.

I also resorted to eating the world's healthiest breakfast to properly mourn the end of our vacation.

AND I DON'T REGRET A SINGLE CALORIE.

The trip back included one major, heavy, cars-driving-off-the-interstate storm, a traffic jam in that same city that I originally misled us in, getting the kids out of the car and ready to eat at a Wendy's, only to be completely ignored by the idiots working there, so we left while lightening bolts cracked down all around us and went to a Wendy's on the other side of the tracks (drive-thru- it's harder to ignore us there, I guess).

Then there was much whining and screaming and crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth as we saw signs that indicated we still had eight or so hours left on our trip to hell. I am not sure if I have ever cursed so much in my entire life. It was ugly, y'all. But I was SO INCREDIBLY SICK of it all. That coupled with having to pee while small people are sleeping made me very very cranky. (Am packing a few pairs of Depends next time to cut down on bathroom stops.)

Do you see my hair on his carseat? It's because I had pulled it all out of my head by that point. Glowsticks comin' out while it's still light out.... You know how bad I was needing a bottle or three of wine at this point?

Molly had her own glowsticks so that I didn't stab her eye out with the bottle during a nighttime feeding. It actually worked pretty well.

The captain of our boat even joined in on the fun. Doesn't he just look THRILLED?! Where should we go next honey???!!!

And what is more fun than driving 16 hours straight?? Unpacking the truck in the dead of night. Oh yes. 

I think it's safe to say that we are staying put for a very long while. Since we've been back, Steve has had to sit in the back with the babies whenever we run an errand. It's too soon for me to go back there just yet. And the gate guards always make funny comments about it, so I'm gonna try to keep that going for a little while longer.

Oh and this OFFICIALLY knocks #2 off the 101 in 1,001 list.

Wine is almost REQUIRED for me to get through these little "art projects". But chocolate will do, thanks.

February is rapidly approaching and you know what that means... Oh yes, time for me to dip my screaming child's feet in paint and make another memory!

(You can see Halloween and Thanksgiving footprints here. You can see Christmas footprints here.)

I ended up not doing a footprint project for January, and kicked myself for it every time I walked past our little "gallery wall" (I use that term as loosely as it can be used. Basically, it's our wall o' frames.). But since people seem to be decorating for Valentine's Day already and the stores are pushing the red and pink candies (hard), I figured I would knock this little project out ahead of time.

This did not turn out nearly as nice as the one that I pinned, but what can you do with a child that physically opposes paint and art projects with his entire body. Oh well, at least the wall gap is finally filled, and my ears will stop ringing from the screaming eventually.

Since my child will clearly not be sending out any handmade-from-scratch-or-with-paint Valentine's Day cards, it worked out perfectly that I recently received an email from Tiny Prints asking me to check out their cute selection of Valentine's Day cards and write up a little post about them. In exchange, they would send me free Valentine's Day cards of my choosing. Always one to send a little snail mail when I have the excuse (despite my extreme distaste for the postal service), I was thinking about making a few cards to send to the grandparents and other family members. There are some very cute cards to choose from, and I always end up getting our photo cards from Shutterfly or Tiny Prints (sister companies) anyways. They have cards that don't require a photo, but you can bet the farm that I'm gonna take every opportunity to plaster my kid's sweet little face on a card and send it off to his adoring fans grandparents.


So I'm torn between this one:

Short, simple, and to-the-point

this one:

My baby really enjoys playing with cars and trucks, so this would fit personality-wise.

or this one (because really- how much longer am I going to have a say in cute things like this??):

This card is totally gender-neutral. There is green and blue and orange and brown on there. I will rationalize it however I need to in order to convince myself that my child's cute mug NEEDS to be on this card.

So what do you think? Should I do my boy a solid and go with the all-boy truck theme? Should I go with my own selfish wants and desires and pick the "Be Mine" card? Or should I settle for some common ground and go with the simple first option? 
I AM TERRIBLE AT THESE DECISIONS, Y'ALL. No, seriously, you should see how long it takes for me to design our Christmas cards. WEEKS, I tell you. Many agonizing weeks.

Disclaimer: I was given a discount code of my own for the purposes of this review. The opinions expressed are my own, and no additional compensation was received.

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Do you trust me enough to make some consumer reviews?

Ok so a few things lately have been helping my life in one way or another, and I thought I should share. Without further ado...

These lovies have been helping my life by way of helping my butt look better. Also, they are like springtime sweatpants. Very comfy, they have some sort of *magic* waistband that never lets them sag on you, and as an added bonus: vomit-resistant! And they're on sale-- Yeehaw!
Unfortunately, Target has weird pictures that I cannot copy, so you will have to click on this link to see them.

(Photo credit: www.championusa.com)

Also helping my life, by way of not letting me eat too much pasta, is this handy little kitchen gadget.

(Photo credit: www.davison.com)

It is essentially, a collapsible little basket that also acts as a strainer. It has measurements on the side letting you know what a serving looks like, and the little hole on the back measures one serving of spaghetti pasta. It hooks onto the side of any pot so that you can make your whole-wheat-a-phobic husband his plain white pasta while you eat a healthy serving of whole wheat pasta in the SAME POT! (READ: less dishes for you!!) I love this. I see they are currently retailing in the neighborhood of $15, but I found mine at the PX for around $4. I'd read about them in a magazine and was hoping to buy one (one day), but apparently, God wanted me to limit my carb intake a little sooner (maybe one too many people were praying I would stop wearing those capris?). Anywho, even at $15, I would still buy it. I've used it countless times already and it's served its purpose.

While waiting for an oil change one day recently, Sammy and I wandered over to Pier One (right across the street...). Sammy wanted to go. I told him it wasn't a very good idea because then the "cheap" oil change (that I had coupons for and everything) was going to get a touch more expensive. But he was like, "I'll just flash this cute gummy smile I've got going on, and Daddy will forget all about it. No worries, Mama." So he talked me into it. And would you believe that oil change lasted an hour? Wowzers we spent some time in that store. Pier One isn't a very big store. They do cram a lot in there though, I have to give them credit for that. We looked at every last item in there. "Oh Sammy- a RED SQUARE. Look at the RED SQUARE. Here's another SQUARE. But this one's YELLOW. A YELLOW SQUARE." I'm sure the employees were probably speed-dialing the car place to see if they could put some sort of rush on my oil change. And while I was worried the entire time that we would be wandering around their store, touching everything and talking about everything (EVERYTHING) and not actually buy anything and look extremely cheap, here I found a lovely picture frame. Well, I don't think it's technically a frame, but I don't know what else to call it. Whatever it is- I. Love. It. And I got it on sale! Woohoo! When I told Steve that and his expression didn't change, I handed him Sammy (who smiled on cue and immediately diverted his attention to those cute gums). Here's a picture of my frame-thing.

Please excuse my horrible nighttime lighting. Also, a close-up so you can see that these are in fact, clothespins hanging on wire, and is it not the neatest picture frame that isn't a picture frame?

They are also available in white, but they are not on sale this week. (Wait til they go on sale. I can't see spending almost $30 on a picture frame that's not a picture frame.)

I snagged this little beauty off of craigslist this week for Sammy (and well, let's face it, Steve, because he ends up holding onto Sammy when he won't sit in his stroller). Behold, the Kelty Wanderer.

(Photo credit: www.barronmall.com)

The guy was selling it (NEW) because his wife was too short to wear it while he was gone on deployment, and now the kid's too big to fit in it. We're hitting up the Rivers and Spires Festival downtown in April with Sammy on our backs! (The guy was cleaning out his garage and also threw in the sun/rain shield and the Kelty front-load pack!! Can we say SCORE??) We got a Kelty jogging stroller on craigslist not too long ago as well, and I can see why this brand comes with such high reviews. I'm happy to take it off of these people's hands for virtually nothing.

While I can heartily recommend all of those things, here are some things that I DO NOT recommend:

• Going to yard-sales in Clarksville, TN. People advertise them, but don't have them. Or, they have them, but don't advertise them. And if you actually FIND one that's in progress, they have either A) nothing, or B) a ton of CRAP.
• Also, never go to a "divorce sale." It turns out that it IS just as creepy as it sounds.
• weather.com. It says we are currently experiencing "light rain," but in reality? We are in the middle of friggin' tornado alley right now with the wind and lightening bolts and occasional house-shaking thunder.
• Weighing yourself after dinner. It is a total kill-joy.
• Letting your 5-month-old skip naps. Don't try and reason it out like he's going to sleep longer or better that night because that is NOT TRUE.

Alright I think I've put enough of my opinion out there on the World Wide Web for one day. Go ahead and work on digesting that; I'll hold.