The kids are having their 100th day of school this week and of course they have projects associated with this day and snacks to bring in and clothes to wear for dressing up like an old person. Can you see me rolling my eyes? Once I pry my painfully flat butt off this crazy uncomfortable futon setup, I gotta go hot glue 100 Smarties onto a posterboard for Sam. Mostly because I don't trust my youth to use a hot glue gun without my direct supervision but also because I know damn well this is a test to gauge how involved parents are at home. And I'm here to play the game. Pathetically, but I'll play. (Looks kinda like dodgeball. I'm skurred.) I'm also trying to get Sam to learn his Bible verses before his test (did I mention we swapped him to a Christian school after Christmas break?) and practice his cursive. I frequently forget to pack his lunch for the next day until I am all ready to head upstairs and go to bed. I don't know where all this laundry is coming from. I swear to you, I do a massive (MASSIVE) load, and then I turn around and I'm like, okay, we're good for two days. And then it is out of control once again. I just grab sheets and towels whenever I see them and toss them in now too because I can't be trusted to wash those on any sort of a schedule. The tub in the kids' bathroom broke over the weekend. I noticed it draining very slowly while giving Will and Molly their prison-style showers and cautioned Sam against running the water for very long while he showered due to the drainage issues and I didn't want him standing in a tub full of dirty water. But y'all, once I leave a room, the old adage "out of sight, out of mind" becomes my truth and I instantly forgot about it... until I re-entered the bathroom that night to brush their teeth before bed. Then I saw the tub, completely full of dirty water, not draining even the tiniest bit. Since the sinks and toilets were still working properly, I assumed something related to the plug was broken and made a mental note to call maintenance the next morning. "Out of sight, out of mind...." I walked up the stairs Monday evening, ripping filthy clothes off of Will and changing his (ever poopy) diaper when I noticed it. "Sonuva...." Molly: "You really should call someone to come fix that." Me: IF I HAD A BRAIN I WOULD. That actually happened for a couple days, I'm embarrassed to say, and the water did not turn any clearer as time passed, but this morning, as I was at the housing office, my neighbor called me to say that maintenance had arrived to fix the tub. Of course I keep my house locked tighter than Fort Knox, so I had to come back and assist, even though I was on my way BACK into town because Sam left his reading book on the couch. As the maintenance man walked into my washroom (littered with leaves and dirt and six million kids' shoes), I asked if he would mind taking his shoes off because I have little ones that crawl and mouth everything on the floor. He took them off for me, but after the fact, I was looking around at my house. Asking for him to remove his shoes probably seemed insane given that my house was covered in crap. Everywhere you look there is a school paper, a Thomas train, broken crayons, an empty baby bottle, dirty pajamas, unwashed dishes, mail, coloring sheets, baby wipes. I'm sure he was thinking, Lady, your kids couldn't crawl through here even if they wanted to. But no mind! At least no foreign germs are on the floor too. Which is good, because I couldn't vacuum if I wanted to right now.
I've known for quite some time that I could bribe my kids pretty well, but since Steve left, I have not felt up to cooking much of anything, and when I don't cook, there is no need for bribery. Dinners were pretty lackluster and resembled more of a picnic or breakfast situation than anything remotely like dinner. But the other night I cooked dinner and told them that if they cleaned their plates, I would give them each two Oreos. (The Oreos that Molly was supposed to take in for class snack but because of "snow" there was no school, so darn, we had to keep them.) Those children ate EVERYTHING. With no complaints. I continue to do this with more daring foods (always offered with a side of ketchup because I'm no monster) and I have to say, it's going quite well but I'm gonna need to keep my dessert game going strong if I plan to keep this up. So all in all this is shaping up to be a shit ton more work than toast and eggs, but I guess if good nutrition benefits their growing bodies, as research suggests (ha), it might be worth it. I keep telling myself I'm going to start feeding Hank solids soon. He's still only six months, technically (almost seven). Molly didn't have solids for much longer. Probably ten months. Steve was deployed then too. I tend to lack any motivation in feeding people when he leaves. No one is quite as appreciative of my food as he is! And they make an insane mess to boot. But I might commit here soon... maybe on Steve's birthday (which I continue to forget is happening this week) I will make him celebratory oatmeal. Speaking of oatmeal, Will is a big fan, but we've been out for a week or two now. I have some coming via Amazon, but in the meantime, he keeps pulling dry ranch dressing mix packets out of the pantry and bringing them to me, in the hopes that I will make him oatmeal. He does not understand (even with the pictures of veggies on the front) that this is not oatmeal. Poor boy.
I have decided to pull Sam from soccer this season. I was so hopeful that he would be placed on the same team as our neighbors' sons down the street. It would be the most perfect carpool situation in existence. Unfortunately, our request was not honored and I just refuse to continue making my own life hell by disrupting the sleep schedule. So I quit soccer. Because when it boils down to it, sleep is everything to me right now. It's the only time I'm alone. It's the only time I'm still. It's the only time someone is not crawling on top of me demanding my attention/bananas/drinks/snacks/diaper changes. And as the sole caregiver for these needy mofos, I DESERVE THAT. I don't always get it (thanks Hank), but I do like to try for it. And on the same note, Molly mentioned that she no longer wanted to take tap lessons. And I will be completely honest, a large part of my soul rejoiced. Because waking the boys early from naps just to sit in the school pickup line, then rushing into town, tossing snacks at all the kids, helping Molly change in the car (shoving her very warm after-school STANK FEET into tights in such a small space is NOT A PLEASANT ACTIVITY), taking everyone OUT of their carseats and car to walk four feet into the dance studio only to be smashed like sardines waiting for her class to open, four minutes later, shuffling back out and putting everyone back into the car, keeping the male animals caged and entertained inside the car for a full hour, taking everyone back OUT of the car to go stand in her class and see what they've "learned" (yes, that is in quotes for a reason), collecting Molly and trying not to lose Will on the mad sardine dash back out to the ever-muddy parking lot, loading all the kids BACK into the car and buckling carseats, driving home with a few hangry folks in tow, mentally preparing for the insanity that is coming- Hank screaming because it's dinnertime and he's hungry, other kids flipping out because it's dinnertime and they're hungry, me freaking out because I'm feeding Hank a bottle and not making dinner. I NEED MORE ARMS. Then we go straight into dinner, bathtime, bedtime routines, leaving no time for outside play or much homework. Certainly no meaningful conversation. I'm just tired, y'all. So I might let her quit. It's probably not the right choice but it's certainly the easier choice and if I get an option right now, in this season, I'm choosing Easy Street. EVERY. DAMN. TIME. And the last thing on the chopping block is AWANA. My kids love it. I love taking them to it. They have fun and learn great things and get excited to go each week. Before Christmas break, my neighbor's husband had not yet deployed, so I would drop the big two at AWANA at 6, come home, bathe the tiny two, put them to bed, and then she would come over at 7:15. She would sit in my house while I ran back up to the church at 7:30 (maybe five minutes down the road) and I'd grab the big kids and although their bedtime got pushed back slightly, it was much easier to recover from that with them and make up the time. But now her husband is deployed. And I have no one to come sit at my house with my sleeping children. So I have to take my children (who are usually fast asleep by 7) out of the house and up to the church at 7:30 and pray to every star in the sky that they somehow manage to stay awake until we get back home because I was not blessed with children who do a nice carseat transfer. Let me be the first to tell you, that is crazy stressful. At 7:30, I can't waste time trying to get Hank back to sleep while the big two need help showering. Because then they won't even start showers til 8! And I know this all sounds incredibly stupid and early, but this is our schedule and my kids wake at 6 or earlier NO MATTER WHAT and they need a certain amount of sleep in their bodies to not act like demons from the underworld when they wake up. So I quit AWANA. Other things I've quit in recent weeks/months:
- PWOC
- CWOC (oooh yes, it's possible to quit them both)
- church on Sundays (but the neighbors have started sitting with us to hold Hank so that has actually been put back on the table)
- reading (anything. ever. this is so laughable. I actually quit this years ago.)
- mopping (it's quicker for me to get on my hands and knees and put in some elbow grease with the clorox wipes)
- wearing anything other than leggings (People that wear real clothes- do your kids just not get you dirty? Do they not wipe snot on you? Do you get enjoyment out of doing a delicate load of laundry? What is your secret? Why do you wear real clothes? I'm so curious.)
- making new friends (I've found quite the group that I am very comfortable being with. And they are very comfortable with me and don't mind my 3-day-old mascara smudged mascara or dried shoulder snot stain or my leggings. I love meeting new people but right now, I don't have the time, so I'm making the most of the amazing ones I've already got.)
- care packages (Poor Steve used to get care packages on time during his last deployment. They were even themed according to the latest holiday or birthday or whatever. 2012 Jenn was so cute and had so much damn free time on her hands. This time around I just send him some protein bars and instant coffee, maybe a quick note, then shove as many kid drawings that I can find in there before having a neighbor assist me in closing and taping the box. Then I write on the outside- "Caution- contents under pressure." And Steve knows to stand back when he initially cuts into it because it will explode and it will rain protein bars. I see you, flat rate boxes. And I will max. you. out.)
- this list could literally go on forever
Basically I quit everything (except all of the household chores and childcare duties and the school carpool and my morning jogs with my neighbor and my peanut butter addiction. I CAN'T QUIT YOU, PEANUT BUTTER.) So please excuse my absence here, there, and everywhere if it happens. I just need to focus on getting stuff done here and maybe shaving my legs more often than once every two and a half months.
