Everything you ever wanted to know about Fort Campbell, with pictures AND links! So helpful!

With our days dwindling here at Fort Campbell and a new and unknown duty station on the horizon, I started thinking about all of the things I wish I'd known about this place when we got here (and the things I wish I knew about where we are going). It's hard coming into a new town with no friends and wonder where you should go to get your hair cut, or where to find the best Chinese food, or which preschool you should send your child to. So I have compiled a list of these things for the Unprepared Army Wife like myself that doesn't want to read dozens of Yelp reviews on gynecological care or Mexican restaurants. Just tell me who's the best dammit. So without further ado, here is The List.

I got my teeth cleaned at Clarksville Dental Center.

I saw my OB/GYN at Premier OB/GYN. (Dr. Sawyer- she is hilarious and amazing and most likely booked. But worth a shot anyway.)

Molly did well-baby checks at Aquino Pediatrics.

Sam did well-baby checks at Screaming Eagle Medical Center. (It's a long story as to why they don't go to the same clinic. If you're interested in that precious backstory, just email me and I'll spill it.) (And PS, you will most likely want to switch to Tricare Standard when you arrive. I promise you that your sanity is worth so much more than that tiny baby deductible. And going to BACH will eat up your sanity quicker than I eat a Reeses.)

I got my hair did at The Chameleon Salon.

For any waxing or massage needs, go to Studio Wax. (And don't be scared.)

I never found a nail place that didn't creep me out in some way or another. Sorry for my lack of help there.

I got spray-tanned for homecoming at Bella Medical Spa. 

Back when we had dogs, they went to the vet at Oak Grove Animal Hospital. We boarded them at The Pet Lodge. That place is twelve different kinds of awesome and you can tell those people really like their jobs. Worth the drive.

Good Chinese food (fresh) can be found at Redwood Chinese (and they deliver). Also, an English-is-my-primary-language person works the phone so the entire process of ordering is very easy. Sometimes if you ask them for more than one fortune cookie, they will put in 17. Not joking.

A farmer's market happens every weekend in the warmer months in downtown Clarksville. If fresh, organic produce (read: $$$) and random homemade lovelies are your scene, you might enjoy this weekly event. (Bring cash.)

All Walmarts make me feel like I need a shower post-shopping, but out of all the Walmarts in the Fort Campbell area, the one in Oak Grove skeeves me out the least. Under no circumstances are you allowed to go to the Clarksville Walmart on Campbell Blvd. Especially after dark.

For a wide variety of delicious donuts, as well as the possibility of sighting a train or two, make the drive to Hopkinsville and go to Whistle Stop Donuts.

If you're in the market for a good, fresh glazed donut, take a drive through the country and visit the Mennonites at Schlabach's Bakery. (Donuts are only available on Saturdays in the morning.)

We have only picked strawberries at McCraw's Strawberry Ranch, but friends tell me H&S Farms is a good place to go as well.

If you have no kids to tow and time to kill, This Old Place is an interesting place to browse. Also, you can drop some mad money at Miss Lucille's.

Sam went to preschool at First Presbyterian. We loved the teachers and his classmates and it was a really great experience all around.

Kids N Play is a fun place to take your kid(s) on a cold or rainy day. Just be sure to sanitize everyone post-playtime and bring socks, mama. You will most likely be going into the playplace yourself.

Zig Zag Bouncers is an indoor bounce house/play place in Hopkinsville. You pay one admission and can come and go all day long. Their prices are cut in half from 4-8pm. This makes some after-dinner bouncing well worth your money. (For us, we only had to pay $4 for Sam, $0 for Molly (since she's under 2), and $0 for parents (Bring socks! You can jump too!). So for $4 (we went during the half-off hours), we all got to bounce and play and everyone slept GREAT that night.

You can go "hiking" at Dunbar Caves. The longest loop is only 1.91 miles though. So maybe you can do it twice and call it a hike.

There really are a bunch of great playgrounds on post and in Clarksville. Liberty Park might be the best one off-post. This one is really nice as well, and much closer to post. On-post, the gate 1 park is the greatest (in my humble opinion) because it is huge and shaded. Others might argue that the gate 5 park behind Starbucks is the best because, well, Starbucks. Also, a splash park. But it is way too crowded for my liking and you need to get there around 8am to secure a slice of (severely limited) shade.

Another note- the splash park behind Starbucks is overcrowded because it is the only free water "facility" on post. There are four other pools (3 outdoor, 1 indoor), but you must pay to use them. (RIDICULOUS)

The Greenway is a nice place to walk/jog, especially in the fall when the leaves are changing. It's a sketchy drive to get there, but just keep reminding yourself that you live in Clarksville now, and this is your new normal.

You can go paint a picture at Swirlz. Personally, I am not impressed with the selection, but it's an excuse to get out of the house and drink your wine somewhere else.

The local winery hosts a Jazz On The Lawn event. I have written about our experience here. As with most events in this area, I would advise you go in with low expectations. Then at least you can only be pleasantly surprised.

You can kill an hour or so during a rainy day at the Don F Pratt Museum looking at jeeps and helicopters and military displays. And across the street is Sam's most favorite reward for behaving at the commissary- a park of old airplanes and helicopters (as well as memorials dedicated to fallen Fort Campbell soldiers).

Go pick your pumpkins at Christian Way Farm. Do it. DO IT. You won't regret it. The drive is worth it. Get there right after lunch so you have time to do everything. And bring cash because that place is out in the sticks and God only knows where you can find an ATM. (Blogged here- prepare your eyes for eleventy billion adorable pictures.)

At Christmastime, you should park your car and walk through Christmas On The Cumberland.

You can expect a deliciously greasy burger at Johnny's. You can eat delicious greasy burgers AND corn nuggets at Kelly's Big Burger, so obviously this is where I would prefer to eat all my meals. (Bring cash for both places.)

Pancho Villa has good Mexican food. We've never strayed so I can't comment on any other places in town. Blogged here and with an old video of baby Sammy.

Jackie does amazing photography work. There are a lot of "photographers" around here offering cheap sessions, but keep in mind that you get what you pay for. A fancy camera does not a photographer make. (Notice how she got my children to smile (Molly- sort of) and angled me so that I don't look 200lbs heavy. MIRACLES. BOOK HER NOW.)

Other interesting facts:

• The water on-post and in Oak Grove is VERY HARD. Add more detergent to everything. And Lemi-Shine to your dishwasher. And buy a faucet filter for drinking. That sht is barely passable for human consumption.
• You can't buy wine at a grocery store in Tennessee or Kentucky. Yet there are drive-through liquor stores so you tell me how that makes sense.
• You can't get on the wait-list for housing until you physically get here. I've heard that's just a crazy Ft Campbell thing, but is it like that anywhere else? It makes absolutely no sense, but get used to it. That might be your new mantra here at the home of the Screaming Eagles.
• We've lived on-post and off and prefer on-post by a landslide. Maintenance guys come by and fix the things that break, I am mailed a check every month for not using all of my allotted energy, I can walk to six different playgrounds (all within a one-mile-radius), husband comes home after PT and for lunch, and I can pass my kids over my fence to my neighbor when I'm stressed out. I SEE NO DOWNSIDE.

*******

I just read my list to Steve to see if I left anything obvious out. "You make this place sound desirable," he said. Well. That certainly wasn't my intention. I just thought of all the things I'd like to know about my new town upon arrival and wrote them down. It's no secret that we haven't really enjoyed being stationed here. It's a typical Army town, I guess, but our main issues have come from the job-side more than anything else. The good part that I am genuinely sad to leave behind are our amazing friends. I seriously could not have fallen into a better bunch of people. But I didn't meet these folks overnight. I'm still amazed at how I ended up knowing some of these ladies. All of that to say, don't be shy! Go talk to that weird-looking, frizzy-haired mom in the yoga pants at story-time. She might be really cool despite how sweaty she is!

This is not an exhaustive list, just the things I could think of to recommend. Fort Campbell friends, did I leave anything out? Anything you wanna add?

This post mentions poop; you've been warned

Sam had me worried a few days ago with his bodily functions (or lack thereof). He wasn't pooping as often or with the same consistency (ew) that he always has. I immediately starting fearing the inevitable Gloved Hand Pull-Out and was trying to figure out a way to get Steve to do it instead of having to do it myself. (I could make a thousand jokes right now about pulling you-know-what out of your you-know-where, but I will hold myself back.) But then, lo and behold, our little Sammy's face turned as red as a tomato and after some grunting and groaning, we could smell the prize. Luckily it was Steve's turn for a diaper change, and what we saw was pretty, um, NASTY. (Not that all poop isn't nasty, but after wiping that little bottom every day and actually getting his poop on my hands- ACK- I have become sort of immune to the gross factor surrounding Sam's poops.) The poor child didn't even get the poop into the diaper-- IT WAS STILL HANGING ONTO HIS BOTTOM. And then my guilt trip began.
Due to circumstances that I won't go into, I haven't been breastfeeding Sammy the "old-fashioned" way, but instead have been pumping religiously and feeding him via bottle. I'm not real sure why anyone would ACTUALLY breastfeed now, after having done it this way, unless you are just one of those people who can figure it out easily the first go-round. Sam and I were not so fortunate... (By-the-way, totally NOT advocating that you shouldn't try breastfeeding the conventional way, it just didn't work for me.)

Pros:

• Someone else (aka HUSBAND) can always feed your kid and it does not become your sole responsibility
• He is still, in fact, receiving breastmilk, thus making him healthy and strong
• I get to spend at least 10 minutes by myself every 3-4 hours (HEAVEN)
• We get to use pacifiers and not stress about "nipple confusion"
• I don't have to sit out in public with my boobs out under a small piece of fabric that I feel is just a breeze away from exposing some private lady parts to the general public

Cons:

• Must be willing to be hooked up to pumping apparatus for 10 minutes every 3-4 hours (I really don't see how this could be anything but a PRO since you're having the very much coveted "alone time," but some people complain about it)
• Must wash bottles and nipples (eh, not such a big deal)

Ok so OBVIOUSLY the Pros outweigh the Cons. But right before we moved from Virginia to Pennsylvania (and then to Tennessee, ahhh) I slacked off on my pumping. I didn't have time-- had to pack, clean, organize, sort, throw away, tie up loose ends, and get ready for a big move with a little baby! So to compensate for my lack of pumping, we supplemented with formula. And then my pumping slacked off even more and he was getting a heckuva lot more formula than he was breastmilk. I started rationalizing in my head why I should just completely quit pumping and go with straight formula.
"Lots of babies are formula-fed and are perfectly healthy."
"My pumping schedule never lines up with Sammy's sleeping schedule and it makes it harder for us to get things done and/or run errands."
"It would be so much more convenient for me to just mix the formula and chuck the breast pads already, I'm tired of feeling like a cow..."
But then I saw my little man struggling to complete a basic bodily function-- POOP-- and I knew that I couldn't give up pumping for my own selfish reasons. So I started up pumping again and after a few days of consuming more breastmilk than formula, my boy's bowel products are looking (and smelling) much more familiar. And he smiles when he's done! For a while there he looked like he needed a nap after he finished pinching off one of his super-turds. So yes Mama, I learned my lesson and I won't try anything like that again...

And can I go off on a tangent here? (Of course I can!) I was at Mass today with Sammy (it IS Ash Wednesday, people. Go to church and just say no to meat) and the girl sitting in front of me was there with her husband (military) and she had this infant carseat with her, but I didn't see a baby anywhere. When I glanced over later on, I noticed her holding the TINIEST child I think I've ever laid eyes on. I would venture to say the kid weighed no more than 6lbs (and that is being VERY GENEROUS). Now I'm not jealous she had a small baby, that her kid was asleep during church while mine was treating me like his own personal bouncy seat/drool catcher, or even that she basically birthed a small cantaloupe while I birthed a ripe watermelon. Nope, no jealousy there. What got to me was how SKINNY and PUT TOGETHER and ALERT she was, and also dressed in what appeared to be PRE-PREGNANCY CLOTHES. I swear, judging by the size of her child, they probably discharged her from the hospital this morning and she went home, took a shower, and came straight to Mass. The only thing is that she looks like she was never pregnant!!!! Gaaaahhhh.... Meanwhile, I was doing FANTASTIC to just show up to Mass, dressed in something besides my typical sweatpants and Steve-shirt get-up. People like her make me sick, and I know I should be so happy that people are able to get out and do things like that right after having a baby. And I am, I REALLY AM. But it still makes me slightly sick that she looks THAT GOOD with a baby still THAT SMALL. (For the record, I did the Good Christian Thing and told her Congratulations and that her baby was so cute and tiny! And I smiled while I said it!)

Then as I was walking out of the church, I banged Sammy's carseat into the side of the doorway (stupid skinny doorways!) and the man handing out bulletins said, "Good thing that wasn't his head, huh!" Har har. This kid only triples in weight every time I put him in the stupid seat. Add a very narrow doorway and lots of people trying to get out of an overly heated church so they can get to Captain D's already because this fasting thing is FOR THE BIRDS, and you can understand why I was ready to shove my bulletin down his throat. Not the greatest attitude to have immediately following Mass. I was all better after cooling down outside and snarfing down a Filet-O-Fish (YUM).

In other news, I FINALLY learned how to work our video camera! And I took a video! It was great! So easy and effortless that I was left wondering why I hadn't done this sooner. Then I tried uploading the videos to the computer... That is where my story comes to a screeching halt. It says something about it's not a video, and I haven't read that far in the instructions yet, but I'm definitely taking it with me to my brother's wedding this weekend and hoping to capture some footage that will win me millions (or maybe just thousands) on America's Funniest Home Videos (aka: funniest show that I love to watch but Steve hates). I will admit that the Bob Saget replacement does not have the best jokes, but I'm not there to watch him; I'm there to watch kids nail their dads in the groin with bats and baseballs and fat old ladies fall into pools and off porches and I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist of it. I LOVE THAT SHOW.

Yes, my little brother's wedding IS this weekend and I am SO looking forward to seeing my family and wearing HEELS and passing off this little booger of a boy to anyone with open arms! (I'm going ahead and assuming that there will be lots of open arms. I'm optimistic, what can I say.) I have been stressing out about what he's going to wear (like he's the friggin' bride or something) and Steve and I actually found him the cutest outfit while we were at the mall this past weekend. Speaking of the mall, guess what our mall has????? A CHEAP CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT MAKES BOURBON CHICKEN GAHHHHH. Obviously we took the free sample and said that we would be back just as soon as possible to eat dinner there. (Why don't they have drive-thrus at the mall again?) So it's looking like Steve and I are doomed to eat cheap mall Chinese food instead of in an actual restaurant, but it is SO worth it for the bourbon chicken. I cannot stress enough how everyone should try this if they are within a reasonable driving distance to a mall with a cheap Chinese place in the food court. (Plus, free people watching!)
 Anywho, we found this outfit:

but wouldn't you know they didn't have Sam's size!! So the girl working there has my phone number and Steve's phone number, and probably my parents' house number and any other pertinent information so that just in case they get another shipment in before this weekend, I can be FIRST in line to snag one. We got him these cute little blue shoes that would go PERFECT with this and obviously we would put some pants on the child because Lord have mercy if folks caught wind of those chubby little white legs hanging out in the breeze, no one would focus on the task at hand, and that is, of course, to fawn over the bride and her WHITE DRESS. Not my son's white legs (cute as they may be). And duh, I have about six backup outfits so that I can be prepared for the inevitable-- poop smeared up to his neck.

Oh did you say that you're curious what our new bed is like? Is it everything we hoped for and more? Do I wake up looking like a beautiful princess QUEEN instead of the Wicked Witch of the Southeast due to the fabulous nights of sleep I'm getting? The answers to all of the above are YES! And yes, yes, yes. It is so amazing. I actually woke up in the night last night to Sammy crying and found myself DROOLING all over the pillow. That is how good I'm sleeping. I have no aches and pains when I wake up, and compared to the old bed, I was practically a chiropractor's dream. It does everything those cheesy commercials say it does. And a 20-year warranty. Not too shabby. I am sure now that nothing else will ever feel as fine and I am reminded of this daily because I still do my pumping in the spare bedroom on the old springy bed.
I would include a picture of our bed (even though it looks just like any other bed) because it is well-decorated in our new sheets and comforter (QUEEN-SIZE! Did I mention the ROOM? Ohmygoodness the room! No more bumping knees with my comatose husband!!!), but Steve and I have a headboard project in the works and I would rather wait until it's all finished before taking pictures of it.

I think this post might have gotten a wee bit out of control. I'd better stop and post a picture of Sammy before I go any further. And yes, pictures from the wedding will soon follow, do not fear.