If you wanna see me in a bikini...

...circa 2009, hop on over to Kate's blog. I'm guest-posting there today about mine and Steve's failed attempt at a honeymoon. Enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, because you'll never (ever!) catch me in a bikini again.

I've officially lost it, oh yes I have

Steve's block leave started this weekend. (!!!) So naturally we decided to spend it taking a road trip with our two under two. Driving time alone (no stops included), we estimate it will take us about 29 hours round trip. With stops, I foresee us being contained in a very tiny cavern for approximately 33 hours total. This might stress a normal person out, but fortunately (unfortunately?), we are not too normal.

Being the ultimate list maker that I am, I have decided to deal with this massive road trip by making multiple lists about multiple things. (It makes me feel like I have control over something.) What goes in the cooler, what goes in the snack bag, which toiletries we need to take, which foods Sam will need, sippy cups, pump parts, shoes, diapers (we're going disposable by-the-way, so you can all breathe a big sigh of relief for my MIL- she will not have to deal with my requests for putting poop in her washing machine).

Now, I happen to think that Sam is a very good trip-taker/car-rider. He seems easily amused by watching cars pass and having books read to him. But my parents' house is only 7-8 hours away (and we really don't travel anywhere else). I knew I would need to bust out the big guns for this trip. So I did the only logical thing one can do in a situation like this. I went to the Dollar Tree. I came out $40 poorer, but I knew that it was a very sound investment. Behold, the haul.

I LOVE DOLLAR TREE, Y'ALL.

Lots of new cardboard books, chalk, foam goop, glow sticks, glow wands, window clings, more books, magnets, a slinky, balloons, pipe cleaners, puzzles, etch-a-sketch, a giant shoe with laces for "practice", kaleidoscope, toy cars, a shape sorter, and SNACKS COMIN' OUT THE WAZOO.

While I think that I have enough things to keep him occupied, I'm really counting on the newness factor of these toys to hold his attention for longer than a toy usually would. Also, I will be sitting pretty in the back seat for the duration of the trip, so I'm hoping I can talk a few of them up, point out some things in the books, and then sit back and drink some wine. (What? Did you think the cooler was for milk and snacks? No one would even GET a snack from the cooler if I was losing my mind, so the wine qualifies as an "essential.") While it would be ideal to keep at least half of the toys for the return trip, I am prepared to raid an unsuspecting Pennsylvania dollar store if I need to. (That part was actually really fun, not gonna lie.)

In order to keep all of his new favorite things (positive thinking!) from ending up in that tiny, annoying space between the seat and the door, I found this tray online and am hoping that it lives up to the hype.

We ran all of our last-minute errands today, so tomorrow is dedicated to cleaning the house and packing everything into the truck before we head out. Am I forgetting anything? Any tips from you people who take crazy-long car trips with toddlers? (I'm really not concerned about Molly. As long as she's got milk, and someone smiling at her sweet little face, she's golden.) Obviously we're going to stop every 2-3 hours to let Sam run around and burn off energy, but any other tips you have would be very much appreciated. (Unless your tip is to show him a movie, in which case, better keep that tip to yourself. He has no interest in tv and I'm holding onto that as long as I possibly can!!)

Also, you should PRAY FOR US. PRAY VERY VERY HARD. And send wine too. If Once we make it back home, mama's gonna need a big drink, I do believe.

And because y'all can never get enough pictures of cheeks, here ya go.

I'm back to bring you more trailer photos, obviously.

What the heck y'all? I'm turning into one of these occasional I'll-spit-out-some-sort-of-post-every-few-weeks type of blogger. Although I knew that my alone time would take a nose-dive after Child #2 arrived, I did not anticipate my alone time to be completely wiped off the map. But, well, it has. No one cares to nap at the same time, the dishwasher hasn't magically fixed itself, and the cloth diapers need to be washed every day apparently. But wah wah wah, this is not what you came here for. Let me fill you in on what's been happening lately.

• I went to take a 20 minute nap get my teeth cleaned for the first time in seven years a few weeks ago. I think the hygienist needed a massage after scraping my teeth. She kept rolling her neck and "shakin' it out" and apologizing for taking breaks. But my mouth feels/looks/smells lots better. What I don't understand is why I got a goodie bag with floss in it when I left? 
• Steve and I went on another date. This time to Beachaven's Jazz On The Lawn. It was..... interesting. People who most definitely fill their weekends with Nattie Lights were chugging blackberry wine straight from the bottles (classy). We went to the tasting area and proceeded to taste as many wines as we were allowed before the dude pouring sippy cups started giving me the evil eye. (Is it frowned upon to get a buzz while tasting? It's not everyday I go wine tasting afterall.) Then we settled on the wine that didn't taste like a plastic kiddie pool or the bottom of a shoe. Overall, it was fun. There were kids there, which, meh,  I wish it was strictly an adult shindig. But the wine blocked out the kids after a while. Also, while in line to confirm our age, I noticed that the girl in line behind us looked veeeerrrry familiar. Turns out, she was one of the Melanie's. The one that was tasked with the catheter job. I considered turning around and saying something, maybe introducing myself, but she was with a guy and bringing up the efficient and timely placement of my catheter on her date seemed.... weird. Much less weird is pretending to take my own picture while secretly taking hers.

Obviously she is the cute one directly behind us, not the scary one with the sunglasses. Oh wait, that's a dude. The other one with the raccoon eyes is not her either, although she's just as scary. Alright, I'm just about drunk on Haterade now so I'll stop.

• We also went to a Sips and Strokes type of joint to paint some "art." Haaaa. Well. Steve was the only male there, but being totally secure in his masculinity, he charged forward and painted to the best of his ability. Come to find out, neither of us has any real ability.  

Our paintings were supposed to look like this:

Sorry it's so blurry, I had to copy the tiny icon off of their website: swirlz.com/bookaclass.
But this is clearly not what we painted. 

This could be why I consider the monthly dipping of my kids' feet in paint and smashing them onto a canvas as my creative flex.

• In really sad news, my freezer stash of milk is all but gone (only one bag left!). Remember how we got a deep freezer and I promptly filled it up with milk since I am a dairy cow and all? Well, my supply took a nosedive. I had everything to make a bottle of formula in case push came to shove. But I was having such a STRUGGLE with giving her formula! (???) Not sure why, because I supplemented Sam with formula throughout and then switched him over completely at six months. Why is it so hard to do the same for Molly? I never understood those moms who were having severe anxiety over giving up breastfeeding or supplementing with formula. For me, it seems like a black and white issue. You can't make enough breastmilk/can't latch/don't want to breastfeed/insert general breastfeeding issue here, just give the kid formula. No big deal. Why stress over this?? But now? Oh now, I get it. I still can't even explain it, but it was basically the most extreme case of Mom Guilt I've ever experienced. LUCKILY, I started listening to my body. That is simple hippie-speak for "EAT MORE CARBS." I had started replacing some of my daily carbs with fruits and veggies (healthy, right? WRONG) and that is when I started going from producing 6oz per session to 2oz. Luckily, I am now keeping up with her massive intake and am back to regularly pumping 5-6oz per session with a nice, healthy 12oz pump first thing in the morning. Oh, why the giant milk supply in the morning, you ask? It might be because WE'RE SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT HERE FOLKS. Yep, not even three months old and this baby is a rockstar. (Am knocking on every available piece of wood and you should too pleaseandthankyou.) 
• AM RACKING MY BRAIN FOR OTHER THINGS I NEED TO UPDATE YOU ON BEFORE THE SIMULTANEOUS NAPPING ENDS.... GAAAAHHHH....
• Search keywords. I enjoy checking these things every so often (and hearing about Mrs. K's as well). Some of mine have been interesting lately.
• "child who only eats chips" - Yes, my child only eats chips. But they're VEGGIE chips. So I'm a good mom dammit.
• "army paycheck" - No, they don't come nearly often enough.
• "grandma kegstand" - Personally, I have never seen a grandma do a kegstand, but I have a feeling that if you need to see that, youtube would probably be the place to find it.
• "it was bussy" - I don't even know what that means
• "if I'm already hairy will I get hairy with my pregnancy" - I'm not sure, but probably? And is someone trying to insinuate that I'm hairy? I shave AT LEAST once a week now, y'all. Geez. Some high standards around here.
• "gluten free military fort campbell" - No, Fort Campbell does not have a good selection of gluten free foods. At least not food that's in-date. If you enjoy expired GF breakfast bars though, you can really stock up.
• "lieutenate" "liutenant" "luitenant" - None of y'all can spell. It's ok. It's a tricky word. I before E and all that jazz.
• And my most recent personal favorite: "mess with me you mess with the whole trailer park" - Word. 
• Speaking of trailer parks, while we were in Auburn for Molly's baptism (aka The Post That Was Never Written), Steve and I stopped by all of our old trailers. (You know you're a redneck when... you can refer to multiple trailers that were once in your possession.) (And I cannot wait to see the search terms that come from that one sentence.) For your viewing pleasure...

We started with the scariest one first. This was the trailer that I lived in with my younger brother. A loaded shotgun was kept next to my bed at night and it was robbed about a week after we sold it. (Yes, someone ACTUALLY bought this from us.)

Slightly less scary and considerably larger. This was Steve's trailer for about a year or so. Not a bad neighborhood, but I still didn't like walking to my car at night. Ever. Unless I was carrying my shotgun, of course.

And here she is: Our First Place. The Least Ghetto Of Them All.

Well folks, children are awakening and that's about all the time we have for today. Hopefully it won't be three weeks before I post again. In the meantime, you should follow me on twitter and instagram (jmr0006)!

Not that I sleep all that much anyways...

Happy Fathers' Day to the two men I love the most, and who, coincidentally, both have life insurance policies on me. (I sleep with one eye open, by the way.) xoxoxoxo

My sister would probably escape in the dead of night if she had a car

So I know I kept you sitting on the edge of your seats for the rest of the Memorial Day recap. But ya know, it just might not happen. I started writing the trip post and then read over it and felt my eyes closing. Snooze-fest. So I might get around to it, I might not. Things are BUSY here, people. Busy.

My little sister Liz came back up with us after Molly's baptism and is nannying (new verbage, courtesy of moi) for us. She calls it nannying. I call it The Most Extreme Dose Of Birth Control That No Prescription Drug Will Ever Top.

Things we have actually said over the past two weeks:

Liz, in bathroom, accompanied by Sam, naturally: "Sam! Don't touch that! Hey, look! Is that your ear? Stop pulling on that. Is that a magazine? Hey! I'm peeing! Yay!"

"That looks like pesto."

"Let's change your diaper Sam! Wanna sing a song? Hey! I just met you. And this is craaaAAaaazy! So here's my number. Call me maybe!"

"Do your feet STILL smell like cheese? Coulda swore I gave you a bath last night.."

"YOUR AUNT LIZ WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN AND IT'S GONNA BE ALL. YOUR. FAULT."

Sweet Liz is SUCH a help though. The girl never stops. She never waits to be told what to do, she just jumps in and does it. You'd think she has kids of her own the way she soothes Molly and distracts Sam. Her patience is unbelievable and she has tolerated my cooking quite well. We started Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, which is providing laughter and (hopefully) some muscle. It's nice to be totally accountable to someone and also have someone to go through that sort of physical misery with. Since she has been here, my productivity has skyrocketed. Baby clothes that needed to be sorted, organized, and put away have done just that. New recipes have been cooked almost nightly. I emptied the crap out of the vacuum cleaner for the first time in probably a year (don't judge me...). A Pinterest project was even started AND COMPLETED all in the same morning. This sort of thing is just unheard of.

Overall, girl's a rockstar and I could not be happier to have her hanging out with us for the summer. Oh! AND, Steve and I are able to go on DATES! How wonderful is that?! Of course my boobs tend to dictate how long those outings last, but we're still alone and that is something we haven't had in a really long time. Life is good.

Add to my productivity list that I went to the dentist for the first time in over seven years. And contrary to popular belief, my teeth are not rotting out of my head. If you follow me on Twitter (and I highly suggest you do) then you got the play-by-play. If not, I'll bring you up to speed.

Went to dentist. Was informed that I had three mini-cavities. Came back the next day to get them filled. Twitter commentary below. (Read from the bottom up.)

I go next week for a cleaning and expect minimal scraping since I haven't had it done in seven years. That's realistic, right?

Other things I've done since Liz arrived:

skillet lasagna

four-cheese pasta with ham and peas (recipe to follow soon(ish) God-willing)

asiago pork chops

OMG chicken (it really was quite tasty)

broccoli and cheese pasta

mashed cauliflower (I only used sour cream, garlic salt, and dry ranch mix)

Other things that I NEED to do while Liz is here:
- type up Molly's 2 month update before she turns 3 months (I don't see this happening)
- take Sam to allergist in Nashville because he is allergic to something ELSE (omGAH I KNOW)
- complete more Pinterest crafts
- go on more dates
- clean the bathrooms (they are getting really disgusting, but luckily my butt doesn't have eyes so I don't pay a whole lot of attention to the conditions of the toilets)

Ok, off to rent "Bridesmaids." Liz has never seen it (?!?!) and that has to be rectified TONIGHT.