A careless Christmas

Christmas is almost here! I am in shock and disbelief! I've had my shopping done for quite a while now. All thanks to the almighty Amazon Prime of course, and other online retailers. We haven't done too many Christmas-y things this year, mostly because the nap schedule reigns supreme but also because lugging these kids somewhere by myself is not all that appealing to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I am fully in this self preservation mode right now. My kids would almost always rather go outside and play with their friends or watch a Christmas movie before bed, so I decided I'm going to indulge their simple wishes and do exactly that. No need to ruin the bedtime schedule because we *need* to go look at a Christmas light display two hours from here. Or even 30 minutes from here. It's a shame there's nothing actually here. Ha! But who cares. Certainly not my kids. And I think we all know that I don't care. So there we have it. A careless Christmas.

A much more accurate representation of the Christmas spirit here this year

Will doesn't say very much (although he has begun randomly babbling a lot more lately) but whenever he sees a Santa, he will say "ho ho ho" and point. Between that, yelling "Daddy" every time he sees a photo of Steve, and obsessing over "choo choos", he is basically the cutest thing ever.

Molly is dying to make some Christmas cookies and I have been fortunate enough to outsource this task to an 11yo girl down the street whose mother also has no interest in baking. The cookie baking event was supposed to happen this past weekend. I made a comment about it raining on Saturday and the neighbor girl could come over then and bake. Molly was fixated on the fact that it needed to be raining in order for the cookies to happen. So she obsessively asked me for a weather update every 4.5 minutes all weekend long. Fortunately/unfortunately (?), it only rained one night while we were all sleeping and Molly was devastated. "He tricked me! The weather man tricked me! He said it was going to rain and it didn't!!" I reminded her that baking cookies was not a weather-dependent activity and our neighbor could come over whenever to do it. We just took advantage of the nice weather and played outside all weekend instead. Since the kids only go to school three days this week (kill me now), I figure they can bake after school or on one of their days off. Molly is scheduled to sort cookie cutters this afternoon. Will keep you all posted of our weather and cookie situation of course.

This past Sunday morning, I got to talking on the phone for too long with a friend and lost all track of time. Before I knew it, it was time to get everyone dressed and ready for Sunday school. Since this was the last Sunday school for the year, I had teacher gifts for the kids to give their teachers and helpers. Except I suddenly remembered that I never finished making them. So I was slinging clothes and trying to punch a hole in a card (ripped the entire paper) and Will pooped and Hank was screaming and Molly was trying to get the markers to color with and I slung those on top of the fridge because ABSOLUTELY NOT and knocked a bottle of bitters off the top, lid broke, bitters spilled, 50 markers came flying down too, and teacher gifts were still not finished. I lost my cool, y'all. Lost it. I decided to leave the markers and the spills on the floor and exit the house with the hastily put together teacher gifts in tow. We arrived to the church three minutes late. But as soon as we pulled up, I had a sinking feeling that Sunday school was cancelled. I knew for a fact that it was scheduled for that day (because I copied the schedule on the calendar, yo) but there were almost no cars in the parking lot. So we walked inside and sure enough, Sam's teacher was there and said that since only three teachers showed up, and not many kids, they decided to cancel it. I pretended like the man didn't just rip my heart out and stomp on it as we handed him the crappy gifts and wished him a merry Christmas. Sam excitedly said, "I guess this means we get to go to the commissary WITH you today huh!" Spirit = crushed. My grocery list was ridiculously long. I debated just waiting until Monday to do the shopping so that I'd only have the two little ones, but then realized that the commissary is closed on Mondays and there was no way our banana situation would hold out til Tuesday, so DUN DUN DUN..... we all went. And while it wasn't as bad as I initially anticipated, it was still mighty painful. An hour and a half... I feel like the first hour was spent impatiently waiting for the deli lady to slice 600lbs of meat for a single male. I'm not saying I wished listeria on this man but I did have plenty of unchristianlike thoughts towards him while waiting. We finally made it home and naptime was almost too far gone. I did trick Hank into a milk coma long enough so that I could down some wine and half a box of cheezits (omg cheezits and red wine make my heart sing). The big two and I colored with markers on our Christmas coloring sheet and listened to Christmas music and it was relaxing and fun (thank you, wine). A nice contrast to the beginning of the day. After naps we all went outside and the kids ran wild til dinnertime.

Speaking of Christmas things, I hung up lights and bought two (super cheap) inflatables for the outside of our house since Will is obsessed and I will forever feel guilt that he is slighted by having a birthday the day after Christmas. Anyway. So everything looks great, the kids love the decorations and we are very festive. Fast forward to one week of these decorations being outside and it rains overnight. Rewind to the last time it rained and my entire front yard basically turns into a swamp. I woke up and all of the extension cords were underwater and nothing was on. UGH. So I unplugged everything and took the inflatables into the garage to plug them in and see if they still worked. They did not. Defeated, I threw them in the trash can and cut my losses. I didn't take the lights down yet because, well, that's a lot of work, and I guess secretly I was hoping for some sort of miracle to take place and for them to light back up. Since that never happened, I looked at Christmas lights at Walmart one day and saw that they were $2 a strand. I knew I needed two strands and figured we could put the $4 towards some Christmas cheer. I got home and that afternoon, went to go test the new strands and see which outlets were still in working order. The outlet outside our front door (where everything had previously been plugged in) was completely dead. I'm not sure why this surprised me at all, but it did. So I thought, hmmm, well, I guess I could put the lights up in the opposite direction and run the extension cord into the garage and have the lights plugged into the same outlet as the deep freezer. It will be somewhat ugly but at least we'll have Christmas lights! So I went to plug the lights into the freezer outlet in the garage and they didn't turn on. I felt physically ill. I opened the deep freezer. No light. No chill. The m*&^%f*&^#@% underwater extension cords must have blown out both outside outlets somehow. Maybe they are connected- IDK I AM NO ELECTRICIAN. So instead of stringing up the new lights, I instead chucked all the food (and breastmilk! WOE) from the deep freezer into the garbage can. As I'm tossing the rotted food into the garbage can I realize that the two inflatables I chucked in the can last week were probably PERFECTLY FINE but since I plugged them into a dead outlet, were now headed towards the landfill. Merry Christmas. Holy shit. I'm done. (Send Cheezits)

Oh but wait, I have to tell you about my Christmas card debacle.  Almost forgot! I have designed our Christmas cards for the last few years and it's something I absolutely love doing, even though it stresses me out in the most manic way possible. I have had this guy in PA print them for me because he is crazy cheap, he resizes everything so that it fits perfectly, and his turnaround time cannot be beat. So I emailed him to see if he might be willing to print and ship them to me. He never responded. I thought, no matter, I can do this myself. Order cardstock and envelopes off Amazon, design infographic, request photo from Steve. I figured the kids and I had plenty of time to get a photo of ourselves for the card. No rush. Well the days drag on and one Saturday morning I got a little nuts and decided the photo needed to happen RIGHT THEN. The anxiety I had from these cards not even being halfway completed was making me crazy. So I got all the kids clothes together and told them they could all have a lollipop if they would just smile or look in the general vicinity of the camera for 30 seconds. We were going to do it behind our house. I just needed a neighbor to come push the button. So I called my nextdoor neighbor. She had just left. I called my neighbor down the street. She was out til that evening. Other neighbors were at sports games or not home and I thought, Hmm maybe this is God's way of telling me that I don't need to do Christmas cards this year. Maybe it's just too much. Maybe taking a break would make me feel better.
Then I remembered that Christmas cards are one of the very few traditions I've completed every year since Steve and I have been married and DON'T BE A LOSER AND BREAK THIS TRADITION!!! So the next weekend, it snowed. Snow! In Louisiana. I knew all my neighbors were stuck at home so I took full advantage of that and dressed the kids as quickly as I could. I threw on my dress (from China- holy hell it was way shorter than I was aware of.... must buy full length mirror at some point) and my neighbor's boots and ran behind our house. Set up the tripod and made sure the settings were just right. She clicked a few times and I thought, eh, as long as everyone is in the shot,  it should be fine. And that's about all we got. We also got this gem....

Molly has this thing where she uses her middle fingers for everything. She points with them and randomly has them out. I don't dare tell her not to do it because it's naughty because I think that would almost make it attractive and desirable to her, but I just ask her, "is that your pointer finger? No? Ok lets make sure we use the right one then," and she always adjusts to her actual pointer finger. This one didn't make the cut for Christmas cards (and our actual Christmas card isn't zoomed in like this photo) and it's pretty meh, but whatever. IT'S DONE. So I thought, ok I will print the infographics out, then get our Christmas photos printed at Walgreens, tape them to the back of the cardstock, and mail these babies out!! Got the photos from Walgreens and they were absolutely awful. Oh the color was terrible! The snow was yellowed! Then my printer ran out of ink after printing five cards. More ink was going to be about fifty bucks, the awful pictures from Walgreens were $25... the whole reason I started out designing our own cards was to make it more affordable!!! What a nightmare. I called Walgreens and asked if I could return the photos because they were hideous. Walgreens agreed. I cancelled my order with Amazon for more ink. I placed an order with Amazon for a generic holiday card (60% off) and paid $32 for 100 of them. I breathed with a bit of relief knowing that the card situation was going to look better and not break the bank, although pretty disappointed that I spent time making that stupid infographic for nothing. I death marched all the kids up the hill to mail the cards and check the mail on Saturday... only we got all the way up to the mailboxes and I realized I left the Christmas cards sitting on the kitchen counter. You win some and you lose some.....

Anyways, the Christmas cards were mailed this morning and I tell myself I will have a better handle on it next year. Probably won't design my own ever again, but at least I will have them mailed out by a respectable date. So if you get a card from me this year, now you know the backstory. Womp womp. MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HELL! Where's the tylenol?

You were probably unaware of my celebrity status

For the past four or five years I have been using the same Vera Bradley wristlet to carry my phone and wallet. (I will usually bring my purse with me (which is an equally raggedy diaper bag that's trying to live the high life as a purse, but that's a post for another day) to carry spare diapers and wipes and hand sanitizer and all the accoutrements that go along with being A MOM, but if I'm running into a store, I only take my phone, keys, and wallet.) Back to the story: I keep thinking, it's cloth, I should probably just take everything out of it and wash it, but really, that is one of the rock bottom things on my to-do list these days so it never gets done. And I only think about it when I catch Will sucking on it and then I throw up a little bit. It has worked so well for me for a few years but I can recognize when it's time to move on. So I've been on the hunt for something similar in function and maybe, just maybe, slightly more forward on the fashion. Back before I got this massive iPhone, my phone would (tightly) fit inside the wristlet. No more. If I take my phone with me into a store, I end up attaching my keys to my wristlet and then carrying my phone, which inevitably gets dropped. I like to think all those cracks on my screen add character a la weathered shiplap in a Chip and Joanna Gaines home. Some call me a dreamer. Anyways. I got this email from the jimmyCASE company and immediately I was flattered. And then I was wary. Is this a scam? Which of my four readers works for a phone case company? And then I was back to thinking about how THIS MIGHT SOLVE MY ACTUAL REAL-LIFE PROBLEM.

Please, stay tuned. This naturally gets worse before it gets better.

So I talk to Steve about it. He calls me a sellout blogger and balks at my skewed moral compass. I roll my eyes at how high and mighty he is. Who knew you had to be almost 6 ft to have such high morals. I'm only 5'9" so I have no chance! I text a friend that I'm fairly certain will side with me and remind me of how I often take the moral high road. Ok, I made the part about the moral high road up, but she did side with me. So I tell Steve more about my low morals and how this worked out so well with my search for a new wallet/phone solution. I let him know that I've already emailed back and accepted their offer and this is who I am now, take me or take me. You're stuck with me for life, sucker, free phone case and all.

Fast forward to Monday. I check the mail and the jimmyCASE has arrived. I open it up and it's so cool. I am elated that this was not a scam. But the more I look at it..... it looks kinda... small. Then it dawns on me that I told the PR guy I had an iPhone 6 when in reality I have an iPhone 6 PLUS. And as it turns out, there is a sizable difference in phone size between the two. Huh. So yes, well, it seems that I am finally offered something useful in exchange for blogging and I go and screw it up. Then I look at Steve's phone and he has a 6. I take his case off and slide the new case on. It fits like a glove. I show him how nice it is and DAMMIT this was supposed to work for ME but then he got a little wide-eyed and started mentioning how nice it looks with the real wood grain and Army green elastic band and wow, this would work nicely for carrying my CAC card around at work.

I gently reminded him that that iPhone wallet case was supposed to carry my Target credit card and solve all of my wallet/phone problems, but the man was long gone. The phone case is his.

I can't say no to that face! Look how nicely that CAC card slides in and out- like it was made for him.

We can both agree (despite our vast differences in height as well as morality) that the case is very well made and "manly" (although there are plenty of different color options to appeal to both sexes). I personally believe it would make a nice Christmas/birthday gift for a man that is constantly using a CAC card or any other sort of ID card all day long. As far as a lady.... I will be honest in that it probably wouldn't fulfill all of my needs (but let's not forget how needy I am). My basic Target run- oh yes. Perfection. But it can't replace my wallet since I need all sorts of loyalty punch cards on my person at all times, multiple charge cards, change- foreign and domestic (cannot convince myself to purge all of my Korean money out. still. I know. It's officially a sickness.), and random weeds flowers that I am presented with daily (toldja I was special). So this phone case has mine (and Steve's *sigh*) official stamp of approval.

In other news, did you know that it's fun to blog while drinking wine and the kids are asleep? Very enjoyable. I highly recommend. How many Fridays until Christmas? Somebody on Pinterest knows. Maybe get one of these for the impossible-to-shop-for man/men in your life.

I think I'm supposed to make some sort of legal disclaimer here that I was given a phone case to review, but (obviously) all thoughts and opinions on said case are my own. Re: moral high roads.

Time-traveling

• So we went back in America! We arrived last Thursday. We got word on Tuesday that Steve's granddad's health was declining rapidly and so on Wednesday morning, we got leave approved, bought plane tickets, and on Thursday morning, we were leaving Seoul on a jet plane. It was (and still is) a surreal experience. And I am going to use this blog post to straighten out my thoughts on the matter. Welcome to muh brain.

• As soon as we heard that his granddad wasn't doing well, we had planned to wait it out a bit and see how he was doing after his initial five days in hospice. But I had this awful feeling in my stomach all day and couldn't stop thinking about him. Steve's mom emailed the next day letting us know that the sooner we could come, the better. My neighbor was great on Wednesday with taking the kids out to a kids' cafe so I could pack and clean my apartment (not sure why that felt like such an urgent priority, but it was one of the things I could control, so I did it). Then we flew out on Thursday.

• The kids stayed awake for the entire flight. Well, Molly took a two hour nap at the very end, and while I'm thankful that she slept at all (instead of, you know, screaming her face off the entire flight), two hours out of twelve kinda felt like a drop in the bucket. Sam was intent on not missing one minute of having a screen attached to the back of the seat in front of him and did not so much as blink for the first (12 hour) flight. We arrived in Detroit in the morning (despite leaving Seoul in the morning) and ran around and killed time at the airport. The flight from Detroit to Philly was only an hour, but everyone crashed HARD. At that point, we were coming up on 20-something hours of being awake and all that white noise just zzzzzzzzzz.....

• Upon landing in Philly, Sam lost his shit. And I mean, he needed a tranquilizer. Or I needed a tranquilizer. Or a stiff drink. Maybe both. And yet my mother-in-law (God bless her) reacted as if this was the most normal behavior and was very nice to Sam, offering him juice, his socks that he'd thrown on the floorboard, a monster truck, etc. The kind of nice I could never be if someone was kicking my seat every second while flailing about and screaming like a chimpanzee that escaped a mental institution.
• We went straight to the hospice center since his granddad's prognosis was a bit unknown at that point and we wanted to be sure to see him just in case. 
• We left the psycho in the car with my (God bless her again) saintly MIL. Molly had taken that whopping two hour plane nap and was in an agreeable mood (or was scared straight by all the screaming next to her) and she came along with us. She gave Pop pop hugs and kisses and squeaked out her "I wuh yew Poh-poh" a few times. He was so happy to see her. I leaned over to give him a hug and a kiss and he gave me the sweetest series of butterfly kisses on my cheek. Instantly, the trip, the screaming, the last-minute stresses of packing and cleaning, the long flight, and the sudden reintroduction to America melted away. Oh I love that man.
• We told Pop pop we'd be back in the morning to visit (with a well-rested Sam) and went to my in-laws' house. That night, the hospice nurses gave Pop pop some medicine to help him sleep since he was restless and agitated, and unfortunately, we never got to see him awake again after that. Two days later, he passed away, surrounded by family and holding a picture of Sam and Molly. I was parked in my MIL's garage at the time with the sleeping (formerly screaming) kids. I was relieved for him that he was no longer in any pain and that we were able to hug him and kiss him one last time. I can't help but miss him already though. 
• I know he's in heaven now, and I'm so happy about that, but he left a pretty humongous hole here on earth, so if you wouldn't mind saying a few prayers for his family, I know they would appreciate it. 

• The next few days were spent preparing for the funeral and on Thursday, he was laid to rest. 

walking the dog at a painfully slow pace // passed out after watching 101 Dalmations // throwing won into the wishing well- probably wishing we'd find the playplace Steve and I made up so that they'd run through the mall and burn energy (Molly of course stuck her hand in the water and then licked her fingers)

"playing" with Marci // "playing" with Daddy // eating the best cereal he's ever tasted and playing with "Daddy's old toys"

These kids watched omgsomuch tv/movies/ipads. I think that might be their main memory from this trip- unlimited ipads, pajamas, and cereal for every meal. This first week home will be like boot camp for them.

• It was good seeing all of Steve's family, despite the circumstances. We were able to hang out and make pizza and build fires and watch Steve's bar mitzvah tape from 2001. (highly entertaining)

Hard to see, but that's a younger Steve on the screen! How cute is he?!

• Steve and I were able to leave the house for bits of time here and there to run errands (it's really nice to ditch the kids without having to arrange a sitter!) and Target just did not have the same allure that it once held for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, everything in there is beautiful (if not extremely overpriced), but we have no clue where we're going after this. I can't buy anything there. And kids' clothes were just meh and everything else wouldn't fit in our suitcases home. Very underwhelming, I guess.
• I should backtrack and say that the first American store we entered upon our return was Trader Joe's and THAT had me shaking (literally!) I was so overwhelmed. All of the produce- fresh, not rotted, plentiful, variety. And everything written in English to boot! It was just an overload. As a mother told her children that the strawberries were too expensive, I grabbed two pints of them and exclaimed to Steve that these were so cheap! (We pay about $10/pint of strawberries here while the TJ's strawberries were under $3.50. But in Korea's defense, theirs are much tastier.) We stood in the cheese section and just marveled. Didn't buy any cheese, but definitely spent a lot of time gawking. The fresh flowers, the delicious-smelling breads, the yogurt that didn't expire two days after today's date! It was probably not the smartest place to stop first. 

• Our Chick-fil-A experience was similar to Target. I know, I know, don't crucify me! It just didn't taste as good as I remembered and the kids were all "Are you serious right now?" with the playplace. Pretty sure Korea has set some unrealistic expectations for playplaces in their minds. We found a trampoline place online that we wanted to take the kids to so they could burn some energy but it was $16 per hour per kid and do you know that our kids' cafe here charges us $3 per hour per kid and there is also a sandbox and a bunch of toys and people to play with your kids and good coffee? So you can envision how much my eyes were bugging out upon hearing of this jump place. 
• Anyways, let me just say that outside of friends and family, I have no desire to go back to the States. So why don't y'all just move here instead? I know this great little kids' cafe....
• On Valentine's Day, we loaded up and headed back to the airport for the long flight home. 

found a fun playplace at the Philly airport- go figure

pre-flight donut // scared selfie // praise Jesus for electronics and kid-sized headphones // the nap that ended before we ever got on the runway

• We had a layover in Detroit but found a very nice soldier service center there (kinda like the USO) and hung out there until our flight was ready to board. Right before we went to our gate, I was taking Sam out walking around the airport and he wanted to go see this fountain. I told him he could look but not touch since there was nothing blocking it from the general public. And naturally he goes up and leans all up on it and not only soaks his entire shirt, but his beloved bear (aptly named "Brown Bear") too. I drug him back to the soldier center and Steve took him out to buy him a new shirt (a little Detroit memorabilia...). I then took Molly out walking and to the bathroom with me. As soon as she saw the toilet, she loudly declared that she wanted to pee too, and even though she just needed a diaper change, she wanted to sit on the seat as well. So I take her diaper off and then she grabs the toilet seat with both hands. Then I stick her on the seat and she does nothing. She tells me she's done and I tell her I'm going to wipe her. Seeing as the only time I wipe Sam is when he's gone #2, she assumed this was the same and bent straight over and laid her hands right on the floor. I tell her to please just stand right there while I go to the bathroom and don't touch anything. Definitely don't touch your face. That includes picking your nose. Why are you still touching your face??? This is how you got that weird flesh-eating bacterial infection last time we flew to Korea! WHERE IS THE BLEACH?!
• We finally get our hands washed and head back to the soldier center. I immediately forget about Molly's lack of diaper because Sam is now asking me where his wet bear is and showing me his new fancy Detroit shirt that is about two sizes too big for him. After a few minutes, Molly (who is sitting on a nice leather couch) says to me, "I pee pee, Muwmmy." Well shit. Steve looks at me like I have lost my mind because who forgets to put a diaper back on a non-potty-trained child? Me, that's who, ok? I've lost my mind. I let one child hug a fountain and another child pee on a leather couch. I am not winning any awards today. We then hustle to our gate and board with all of the rich first-class folks who will get to fly to Korea in BEDS on the top floor (yes, the plane has two floors!). We made our way to the second-to-last row of the cattle car section and sit down. Ah. Finally. We made it.
• Then the captain comes on and tells us that there is a bit of a delay with an engine something-or-other and then we'll have to go de-ice the plane because it was snowing and then we need to reboot the computers and hopefully we won't be too late and blah blah blah. We sat on the plane for 2.5 hours before it ever even saw the runway. Sam took a nap and woke up before we even taxied to take off. Everyone on the plane was hot, thirsty, hungry, and mighty irritable. We finally took off and everything went well. Although I must say that seeing the flight tracker showing that we have 13 hours and 33 minutes until landing is easily one of the most depressing things I have ever seen in my entire life. The kids weren't terrible, but I still don't recommend taking kids on a flight like that for fun. They actually slept quite a bit on the way back so that was nice. We finally (!!!) arrived in Korea and made our way to customs. Apparently a large chunk of the country was also returning with us because we stood in line at customs for WELL over an hour. With two kids that were "so hungwee!" "so fuwstee!" "so sweepy!" It was SO FUN, YOU GUYS. (eye roll, eye roll, eye roll)

just 400 of our closest friends waiting in line for customs, nbd

• After more than a little crying, we finally got through customs, got our bags, and attempted to figure out how to get all the way out to long-term parking. We had taken a taxi from the parking lot on our way in (running late, freezing, short legs, you know the drill) and it looked like the train wasn't running so late at night, so we just started walking. In the rain. Dragging Molly. You can imagine this was a slow, painful stroll to a car that we weren't quite sure where was parked. Eventually we found it and Molly passed out shortly thereafter. While a normal person would have fallen asleep at the wheel and driven straight into the ocean, Steve and I were raging at the lack of efficiency in the customs department (someone might just write a letter!), eating candy we were hiding from the kids, and talking about how good it felt to be home. The kids woke up right as we got into town and we scrubbed the airplane funk off of everyone and fed them snacks. Then they went to bed around 2am and Steve and I drank wine and celebrated surviving that trip again. We went to bed at 3am and got the least restorative four hours of sleep a person could get. Back to the grind today- sorting through rotten produce at the commi, wondering when (if?) they'll ever have meat in stock again (looks like we will be putting the canned tuna back in rotation this week!), and trying to get unpacked and settled in again.
• Thank you for all of the travel prayers and the prayers for Steve's granddad and family. I appreciate them more than you know!

My thoughts on motherhood, leggings, cake, poop, and puke, but not necessarily in that order

• Bullet posts. I am just starting to accept that this is the way I'll blog from now on, unless I have some grand, amazing, detailed story (and a full 2.5 hour naptime! Ha!) to share with you.
• My birthday was this past weekend, and it was just a great day. I made funfetti waffles. Out of cookie mix. Again. Because when I see a box with a picture of funfetti on it, I just assume it's cake, even though my eyes must CERTAINLY notice that there are cookies on the front. It's the second time I've bought that stupid cookie mix. (Seriously, who here (or anywhere for that matter) is making funfetti cookies?!) It was also the second time I googled "how to make cake mix from cookie mix". Turned out perfectly in case any of you ever end up in that situation of not-being-able-to-read-while-at-the-grocery-store.
• I arranged for our sitter to come over the evening of my birthday so Steve and I could escape for dinner. He took me to Mad For Garlic and it was just as good as the first time (and slightly more expensive because they serve WINEADE. Like wine + ade. I don't even know what kind of magical crack they put in the ade but I CAN'T GET ENOUGH.). Steve's birthday plan was to let me pick out a cupcake from one of the bakeries downstairs (we were in that gigantic 10-story mall), but I've had a few Korean desserts now and..... meh. They aren't sweet. Which is probably why all these Koreans are so skinny, but I made a test batch of Knock You Naked brownies earlier (practicing for Thanksgiving!), so we hightailed it home and had some of those while watching Seinfeld. Because we are 85. And itching for diabetes apparently.
• I sausaged myself into this pair of fleece-lined Korean leggings this morning. (Is anyone surprised after reading the previous bullet point?) After wearing them for 7 hours, I have come to a few conclusions.
• First of all, SUB-bullet points! Isn't this impressive?
• Secondly, Korean leggings that state "free size" (aka one size fits all) do not include Americans. 
• Thirdly, judging by the low-hanging crotch in these things, I am assuming that my legs are too long/thighs are too big to wear these.
• Fourthly, I don't think they are meant to be worn (but omg I just typed WEARED like my middle name is Cletus) as pants a la Pinterest and their chunky sweaters with leggings trend. I think they're just like an undergarment to actually keep you warm under your real pants.
• And fifthly (not to be confused with filthy), I am still wearing said leggings. It took a lot of effort to get these babies on. And they're actually very comfortable. So until we venture outside later, I'm wearing them.
• My children have this mission to make me question my sanity multiple times a day. They like to pick Mondays to really test the limits since they know this is the longest/worst/most horrid day of the week. Today I took my rage out on our white tile kitchen floors (I wanna stab the person who made that design choice! White! In a kitchen! On the floor! Stab stab stab!) with about, oh say, 14 clorox wipes. Sam, noticing that things might have gone a little too far, would periodically come over and pat my bottom and say, "Yer 'dorable an bewtiful Muwmmy." TOO LITTLE TOO LATE, SON. (*insert crazy eyes here*) Yes, he can be sweet, but where was this sweet boy when I was trying to put shoes on his psycho hellion alter ego this morning?!
• Steve just texted to say that there are snow flurries up on post. I'm just.... I don't know if I'm ready. And YES, I'm very pro-4-seasons and I do think snow is beautiful. But once it starts actually snowing, then I really have to buck up and potty train Sam. Or potty guide. Whichever is more PC these days. Anyways, Molly did her horrified look at me the other day and grabbed her bottom, which usually signals that she just pooped, so I took her in the bedroom to change her. Only nothing was there. So I asked if she wanted to sit on the potty and she got really excited. I sat down on the floor next to her and read her a book and I could smell the signs that she'd done the deed! She tried pulling the same trick today as we were trying to walk out the door, but apparently she just wanted to air things out and have a book read to her. Not like I wanted to actually leave the house or anything today! (OMG WINTER IS GOING TO KILL ME, ISN'T IT)
• Related: My child must be the only child on the planet who does not respond to incentives. Or threats. Or candy.
• One of the things that the kids and I like to do to spice things up during the day is to visit new-to-us playgrounds. (We are so wild, I know!) Luckily, there are so many playgrounds around here you can throw a rock and hit five, and then that rock will ricochet and hit three more. So we wandered into this apartment complex and they had a pirate ship playground. No one was on the playground except for one elderly lady. She was sitting off to the side, but eventually came over to look at the kids. She pointed at Molly and asked me something. I don't know Korean (do I look like I do?), so I just responded, "She's 2," and held up two fingers. But she kept asking the same question over and over, but started grabbing and pointing at her crotch as well. At this point, I start to assume that maybe she is not completely stable, so I just keep nodding and smiling and saying, "She's 2," and try not to look horrified. Eventually she left. Five minutes later she reappeared with a bag of diapers for Molly. Oh. Well that makes more sense, I guess. I really need to learn some Korean. My sign language skillz are clearly lacking.
• Also, Molly is not two yet. I just round up because Koreans do ages differently than we do. When babies are born, they are one. So when American babies turn one, Korean babies turn two. And that has nothing to do with the time zones. (Har har!) So technically, in Korea, Sam is 4, although in America, he just turned 3. Just means I can register them for Korean preschool that much sooner! Huzzah!
• Is everyone sufficiently confused? Yes? Well now that you're all on my daily level of confusion, let's talk about how Molly puked up her lunch into my waiting hands at a playdate (fruit loops and rice- you really can't beat that color combination), the other mothers there just handed me baby wipes and kept talking, and then we all (including Molly) went right back to eating our lunches. Steve once finger-swabbed Sam when he had food go down the wrong pipe, he horked up his entire stomach onto his plate, got a hug, and then we all sat down (after clean up) to finish dinner together. When did this nothing-will-gross-me-out transformation occur? During pregnancy? During birth? Upon viewing the placenta? (Probably) Who even knows.
• Molly got boots. They are her favorite thing ever (besides puppies) and she refuses to be parted with them. (You should see the song and dance we have to put on to distract her at night so she doesn't go to bed with them.) I don't know where she gets this shoe obsession. I am no fashionista. Neither is Steve (thankfully), so she doesn't really have any role models in that department. It's going to be really ugly when she outgrows them (hopefully one day in the very distant future).

The Good, The Bad, and The Rest Of The Stuff I Don't Know How To Categorize

I've been kind of absent around here lately because honestly, it is easier to waste time on Pinterest and vacuum all of the crumbs than to come up with a post that doesn't come across as one big whiny airing of grievances. Not doing this in the conventional order because I'm a rebel I like to get the bad stuff out of the way first.


The Bad

• Things are still "not right" with Molly health-wise. Our insurance is screwed up in a way that boggles the mind. Once things are straightened out, we will go see a pediatric hematologist.
• Our HHG's are not being delivered on our requested delivery date. Our HHG's are not being delivered on their required delivery date. It is "out of the Army's control" apparently and we will probably see our things sometime in October. (I hope.)
• Sam now says "tim-pon" (that's Sammy for "tampon") on the regular. He is also quick to tell others that I poop my pants, when in reality I am just wearing a maxi-pad. (Way to get personal quickly on bullet #3, huh? My apologies.) Also, let us not forget who actually DOES poop their pants multiple times a day, declaring it "fwesh" and demanding an immediate change. I invested in a $3 potty seat for the toilet since we will never see our potty seat that sits on the floor (in HHG's), and there was a freak-out of epic proportions over my asking him to sit on it. Not even to DO anything, just to sit. So happy I didn't spend real dollars (or won) on the stupid thing. Dipes 4 life.

The Good

• We have a babysitter. She is amazing and the kids love her. I escaped yesterday to have coffee with Steve before work and then went grocery shopping at the commissary alone. By myself. In peace. It was probably my best day in Korea so far.
• Sam now sings the song "All By Myself" like a pro even though he's never heard it. Mostly because I sing it sarcastically throughout the day and substitute various other words in: "Alllll byyyy MYYYYSELFFFFF.... I wanna be..... Alllll byyyy MYYYYYSELFFFF.... I wanna pee... I wanna eat... I wanna think... I wanna read..." (you get the idea)
• The weather here has cooled off significantly in the last few weeks. We leave the windows open 24/7 and I am burning a pumpkin candle in hopes that it will overpower the smell of that fwesh diaper in the trashcan.
• I got a new lens. If we're friends on facebook (omg yes I got back on after a three year hiatus... still love instagram infinitely more), then you already know this. I love playing with it and trying different settings to see what works in what light. There is such a steep learning curve but I am Pinterest-ing the heck out of the topic to try and learn as much as I can.
• Our car is in Korea. Hopefully we will have it before the weekend and some part of life will be back to normal. Although I'm slightly concerned about where I will now sit in the living room because the car seats have become a couch of sorts for me. I guess I will suck it up and sit on the floor with Steve. Lord knows I have enough cushion down there to be comfy. 

The Rest Of The Stuff I Don't Know How To Categorize

•  Really trying hard to remember that this stage of parenthood won't last forever. And I don't mean that in a I'm-trying-to-savor-every-fleeting-moment kind of way. I say it more in a I'm-trying-to-survive-it-with-my-sanity-intact kind of way. Love these kids. They can surprise me with their sweetness. They can also make me look at Steve and very quickly say "NO WAY IN HELL, BUDDY." 
• We have resorted to boxed wine. And not even good boxed wine, but Franzia. See above.
• In a few days, we will be at the One-Year-Ago-Today-I-Sent-My-Husband-To-War day. While I am sometimes scraping dried quinoa off the floor instead of jumping into his arms when he comes home from work, I am still so happy and so thankful to see him come home to me every day. That man just makes my life better. And sometimes he even takes over the quinoa-scraping for me. God bless him.

And I don't even know how to end this post, so here's a picture of Sam petting a guinea pig at the Labor Day Festival. Random is how I roll.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Fort Campbell, with pictures AND links! So helpful!

With our days dwindling here at Fort Campbell and a new and unknown duty station on the horizon, I started thinking about all of the things I wish I'd known about this place when we got here (and the things I wish I knew about where we are going). It's hard coming into a new town with no friends and wonder where you should go to get your hair cut, or where to find the best Chinese food, or which preschool you should send your child to. So I have compiled a list of these things for the Unprepared Army Wife like myself that doesn't want to read dozens of Yelp reviews on gynecological care or Mexican restaurants. Just tell me who's the best dammit. So without further ado, here is The List.

I got my teeth cleaned at Clarksville Dental Center.

I saw my OB/GYN at Premier OB/GYN. (Dr. Sawyer- she is hilarious and amazing and most likely booked. But worth a shot anyway.)

Molly did well-baby checks at Aquino Pediatrics.

Sam did well-baby checks at Screaming Eagle Medical Center. (It's a long story as to why they don't go to the same clinic. If you're interested in that precious backstory, just email me and I'll spill it.) (And PS, you will most likely want to switch to Tricare Standard when you arrive. I promise you that your sanity is worth so much more than that tiny baby deductible. And going to BACH will eat up your sanity quicker than I eat a Reeses.)

I got my hair did at The Chameleon Salon.

For any waxing or massage needs, go to Studio Wax. (And don't be scared.)

I never found a nail place that didn't creep me out in some way or another. Sorry for my lack of help there.

I got spray-tanned for homecoming at Bella Medical Spa. 

Back when we had dogs, they went to the vet at Oak Grove Animal Hospital. We boarded them at The Pet Lodge. That place is twelve different kinds of awesome and you can tell those people really like their jobs. Worth the drive.

Good Chinese food (fresh) can be found at Redwood Chinese (and they deliver). Also, an English-is-my-primary-language person works the phone so the entire process of ordering is very easy. Sometimes if you ask them for more than one fortune cookie, they will put in 17. Not joking.

A farmer's market happens every weekend in the warmer months in downtown Clarksville. If fresh, organic produce (read: $$$) and random homemade lovelies are your scene, you might enjoy this weekly event. (Bring cash.)

All Walmarts make me feel like I need a shower post-shopping, but out of all the Walmarts in the Fort Campbell area, the one in Oak Grove skeeves me out the least. Under no circumstances are you allowed to go to the Clarksville Walmart on Campbell Blvd. Especially after dark.

For a wide variety of delicious donuts, as well as the possibility of sighting a train or two, make the drive to Hopkinsville and go to Whistle Stop Donuts.

If you're in the market for a good, fresh glazed donut, take a drive through the country and visit the Mennonites at Schlabach's Bakery. (Donuts are only available on Saturdays in the morning.)

We have only picked strawberries at McCraw's Strawberry Ranch, but friends tell me H&S Farms is a good place to go as well.

If you have no kids to tow and time to kill, This Old Place is an interesting place to browse. Also, you can drop some mad money at Miss Lucille's.

Sam went to preschool at First Presbyterian. We loved the teachers and his classmates and it was a really great experience all around.

Kids N Play is a fun place to take your kid(s) on a cold or rainy day. Just be sure to sanitize everyone post-playtime and bring socks, mama. You will most likely be going into the playplace yourself.

Zig Zag Bouncers is an indoor bounce house/play place in Hopkinsville. You pay one admission and can come and go all day long. Their prices are cut in half from 4-8pm. This makes some after-dinner bouncing well worth your money. (For us, we only had to pay $4 for Sam, $0 for Molly (since she's under 2), and $0 for parents (Bring socks! You can jump too!). So for $4 (we went during the half-off hours), we all got to bounce and play and everyone slept GREAT that night.

You can go "hiking" at Dunbar Caves. The longest loop is only 1.91 miles though. So maybe you can do it twice and call it a hike.

There really are a bunch of great playgrounds on post and in Clarksville. Liberty Park might be the best one off-post. This one is really nice as well, and much closer to post. On-post, the gate 1 park is the greatest (in my humble opinion) because it is huge and shaded. Others might argue that the gate 5 park behind Starbucks is the best because, well, Starbucks. Also, a splash park. But it is way too crowded for my liking and you need to get there around 8am to secure a slice of (severely limited) shade.

Another note- the splash park behind Starbucks is overcrowded because it is the only free water "facility" on post. There are four other pools (3 outdoor, 1 indoor), but you must pay to use them. (RIDICULOUS)

The Greenway is a nice place to walk/jog, especially in the fall when the leaves are changing. It's a sketchy drive to get there, but just keep reminding yourself that you live in Clarksville now, and this is your new normal.

You can go paint a picture at Swirlz. Personally, I am not impressed with the selection, but it's an excuse to get out of the house and drink your wine somewhere else.

The local winery hosts a Jazz On The Lawn event. I have written about our experience here. As with most events in this area, I would advise you go in with low expectations. Then at least you can only be pleasantly surprised.

You can kill an hour or so during a rainy day at the Don F Pratt Museum looking at jeeps and helicopters and military displays. And across the street is Sam's most favorite reward for behaving at the commissary- a park of old airplanes and helicopters (as well as memorials dedicated to fallen Fort Campbell soldiers).

Go pick your pumpkins at Christian Way Farm. Do it. DO IT. You won't regret it. The drive is worth it. Get there right after lunch so you have time to do everything. And bring cash because that place is out in the sticks and God only knows where you can find an ATM. (Blogged here- prepare your eyes for eleventy billion adorable pictures.)

At Christmastime, you should park your car and walk through Christmas On The Cumberland.

You can expect a deliciously greasy burger at Johnny's. You can eat delicious greasy burgers AND corn nuggets at Kelly's Big Burger, so obviously this is where I would prefer to eat all my meals. (Bring cash for both places.)

Pancho Villa has good Mexican food. We've never strayed so I can't comment on any other places in town. Blogged here and with an old video of baby Sammy.

Jackie does amazing photography work. There are a lot of "photographers" around here offering cheap sessions, but keep in mind that you get what you pay for. A fancy camera does not a photographer make. (Notice how she got my children to smile (Molly- sort of) and angled me so that I don't look 200lbs heavy. MIRACLES. BOOK HER NOW.)

Other interesting facts:

• The water on-post and in Oak Grove is VERY HARD. Add more detergent to everything. And Lemi-Shine to your dishwasher. And buy a faucet filter for drinking. That sht is barely passable for human consumption.
• You can't buy wine at a grocery store in Tennessee or Kentucky. Yet there are drive-through liquor stores so you tell me how that makes sense.
• You can't get on the wait-list for housing until you physically get here. I've heard that's just a crazy Ft Campbell thing, but is it like that anywhere else? It makes absolutely no sense, but get used to it. That might be your new mantra here at the home of the Screaming Eagles.
• We've lived on-post and off and prefer on-post by a landslide. Maintenance guys come by and fix the things that break, I am mailed a check every month for not using all of my allotted energy, I can walk to six different playgrounds (all within a one-mile-radius), husband comes home after PT and for lunch, and I can pass my kids over my fence to my neighbor when I'm stressed out. I SEE NO DOWNSIDE.

*******

I just read my list to Steve to see if I left anything obvious out. "You make this place sound desirable," he said. Well. That certainly wasn't my intention. I just thought of all the things I'd like to know about my new town upon arrival and wrote them down. It's no secret that we haven't really enjoyed being stationed here. It's a typical Army town, I guess, but our main issues have come from the job-side more than anything else. The good part that I am genuinely sad to leave behind are our amazing friends. I seriously could not have fallen into a better bunch of people. But I didn't meet these folks overnight. I'm still amazed at how I ended up knowing some of these ladies. All of that to say, don't be shy! Go talk to that weird-looking, frizzy-haired mom in the yoga pants at story-time. She might be really cool despite how sweaty she is!

This is not an exhaustive list, just the things I could think of to recommend. Fort Campbell friends, did I leave anything out? Anything you wanna add?

So now I blog in bullets apparently

Is anybody still reading? Hello? I have taken a blog siesta of sorts. For the past two months, I have been in a serious funk. Obviously I blame it 100% on this deployment. Had I written anything, it would have come out very whiny (my apologies to everyone who received whiny emails from me) and really not something you'd like to read. Who knows, this might still come out whiny, but at least you've been warned.

To recap the past six weeks or two months or however long it's been since I've been here:

• I ran my first 5k with Skinny Stephanie. It snowed and I wore mascara I'd never worn before, so it looked like I cried through the entire thing. (Although my fat was definitely crying.)
• Molly is now one year old. People ask me if I can believe it. And yes, I can. I have been here for every single minute of it. And it felt like a full year to me. Maybe even two if I didn't know any better.
• Sam is starting to speak REAL LIFE WORDS and in sentence-form sometimes. Blows my mind every single time I hear it.
• If you are what you eat, my kids are destined to be oven-baked chicken nuggets. I have zero desire to cook anything. (Other than a nugget, obviously.) 
• On a related note, Molly refuses to be spoon-fed anymore. And it's just as well, because I have zero desire to spoon-feed her. So a typical meal now consists of me placing appropriately-sized food on her tray and then her flinging it off with a crazed look in her eye. Then I set her on the floor and she eats her food down there. Again, I DO NOT CARE. This might scare or even offend pre-deployment Jenn, but as of right now, two shits are not being given about the eating situation here. So long as they are properly nourished, I don't particularly care if they eat the food off of a plate or the side of a plastic dump truck. 
• I am so thankful for my friends. They are real-life heroes that save my sanity daily. Sarah comes over at least once a week to let me run errands sans kids. Like this past week when I decided that payday Friday before Easter was a good time to buy Easter dinner groceries at the commissary in the rain? Yeah, some sanity was definitely saved. She also brings her husband over to do yardwork that I really should have done sometime during the fall months of 2012. Aggie always invites us over to dinner and cooks delicious food and deals with listening to my kids whine about random things like being stuck at the top of her stairs, or falling down her stairs (SAM OMG), or how I didn't pack 15 squeezies for them to eat. My neighbor Vickie can regularly detect when I need saving and lets me pass my kids to her over the fence for some babysitting. I cannot imagine what I would do without her. And sweet Lauren sends the BEST care packages at just the right time. I swear she could not have planned that last package out any better. It came on a day when I seriously needed some help. And she delivered- in the form of good wine. So many blogger friends have texted and emailed to check on me and I sincerely appreciate every last word of encouragement and support! It feels like we're so close to the end of this deployment, yet when every day seems to last eleventy billion hours (minus naptime of course), it still feels hopelessly far off. 
• We're still chugging along with preschool, although this past week was spring break. And I feel like I can speak for every mother in town when I say- the man that created this "spring" "break" needs a good shanking. "Spring" consisted of two snow days and a bunch more rainy days. "Break" is laughable because what do these babies need a break from? Coloring? Listening to stories? Ridiculous. We all know that preschool is glorified daycare. Let's just call it like it is. No spring break for preschool. That is crazy. 
• Totally unrelated to the last bullet point: My kids watch tv regularly now. I held out with Sam until he was two. And even then he didn't seem to care about it one way or another. But somewhere around the beginning of the year, we have started watching about 30 minutes of tv before bedtime. Molly is hooked. Sam asks for "shows" and "Nina" (the nighttime lady on Sprout) and Jesus take the wheel, I know far too much about Caillou's daily life and I can't help but wonder why he has no hair. I feel like I've crossed into new mom territory and I kinda can't wait til Steve gets home so there can be a different distraction from 6-6:30 and this current phase can end. (Kid tv makes me wanna stab my eyes outttttttt.)
• As much as I hate this deployment and as much as I miss Steve, I am thankful every day that I have something worth missing so much. I cannot wait to get him home.

And since I feel like we're as caught up as we need to be (trust me, you don't wanna hear everything- these were the highlights..), maybe you could ask me some questions so I can write about something again soon. My mind is not in writing mode lately, and I feel like that's part of my sanity issues. I need to speak/write in complete sentences that aren't about poop and how my cloth diapers are repelling pee and how I stepped on an old turdlet the other day and how Molly has been sick for a solid MONTH now and and and... You see why I haven't posted in a bit. This can get really whiny, really fast. So ask away.

The Great Blate 2013

Remember when I said I was going to take a trip? A vacation? (In mom-speak: vay-kay-shun (n.) a trip in which you do not bring your offspring and deal with their mysterious rashes, worry with their lack of/voracious/bipolar appetites, wipe snotty noses, clean ungodly amounts of poop out of places where poop shouldn't even be found, and deal with the overall day-to-day affairs of anyone but yourself.)

So, my friends, I went on a VACATION. And it was GLORIOUS. Nevermind that my parents thought I was going to end up dead in someone's trunk in California because I was meeting internet friends that I had never even SPOKEN to. A vacation is attractive to me no matter what the circumstances. And my lovely friends turned out to be the exact opposite of the California serial killer stereotype.

Kate and Lauren (who, being the good bloggers they are, recapped this blate (blog + date) in a timely fashion) have been blog friends of mine for quite some time. We started cooking up this blate sometime last year. I found a deal of a plane ticket after we had been talking about this for a while and then just sort of invited myself and set the dates. Luckily that just so happened to work out with everyone's schedules. Kate was our most gracious host, as were her two adorable kids and happy husband. She is just as fashionable and put-together in-person as she appears on her blog- it's not a front. Let's all be disappointed together as we gear up for another day in yoga pants. Her kids are also cuter in person than in pictures. I half-expected this, not gonna lie. Lauren squealed when we saw each other at the airport and then she showed me Gilroy the garlic town, and when she loved the smell as much as I did, I kinda knew we would be fast friends. She also has insider wine knowledge (being in the biz and all), so I basically just did whatever she did when we were drinking wine, and she could have poured wine up her nose and told me it was tastier that way and I definitely would have done it. She also helped get me through the paralyzing anxiety that was making outfits out of the clothes I brought with me. PAY NO MIND to the fact that I laid out and tried on outfits before I left. I got to Kate's house and instantly everything in that suitcase was garbage. Luckily, in addition to knowing her wine, she also knows the power of a positive comment, so she helped me through. (And GOD BLESS YOU, Lauren, for that.)

I know how blessed I am to be able to get away for a bit and take such a fantastic trip- from having the world's best babysitter (hey Mama!), to a supportive husband (hey Steve! I know you're not reading this but mad props to you for acting like I deserved this break!), to friends who weren't conspiracy-blogger-murderers (that's you, Lauren and Kate!), to a MIL who sent me drink coups for the flight (thanks Wendy!)- it was just all-around awesome.

I just now uploaded the photos from my camera to the computer and I took 19 pictures total. Wow. BAD BLOGGER. I took even fewer pictures with my phone! I was just SO BUSY.... relaxing and not giving two shits about anything besides relaxing and enjoying these new, but not-really-new friends.

You cannot even imagine the issues that come from having toes that are all the same length. Peep-toed shoes? Nothing is peeping through. Sandals? Fat feet hanging off the sides and toes with an inch of shoe in front of them. Noooooobody knows the troubles I've seeeeeeeen...

After eating plenty of cheese, drinking more good wine than I ever have in my life (oh $5 bottle of wine at the Class Six, how sub-par you are looking these days), and staying up later than my mom-schedule typically allows (time difference notwithstanding), I had to go home. Boo. Wah. Grumble. Groan.

This made it easier.

Once I landed back in Nastyville, I was greeted by another blogger friend who I know very well, but FUNNY THING- she tried to kill me on the trip there and back. (Didn't see that little twist coming, didja?) You can see Sarah's icy road recap here and I don't even know if she'll recap the return trip, but we were trying to get home before the tornadoes hit (welcome home Jenn, right?) and people were doing construction at 9pm on the roads and we were talking a lot and folks around us were driving crazy andandand. We survived obviously.

Getting back into the swing of things was not as painful as I was anticipating, but I was greeted with teething (Molly), a double ear infection (Molly), insurance issues (doesn't Tri, doesn't Care strikes again), a haircut (Sam- oy), and a kind notice from Verizon alerting me to the fact that I had gone dangerously over my allotted minutes for the month. So that was fun. We're finally on the downward slope of this deployment though and that vacation was JUST what I needed to keep me sane until the end.

(For a more picture-laden recap of The Great Blate 2013, visit Kate's blog. For a more descriptive version, visit Lauren's blog.)

Just a little something I'd like to share with you

Wee Steve has a wee bit of news for you today.

Yup. That's right. Korea. (The South, not the North, because I wear the pants in this relationship and I'm from The South. Kidding. North Korea is all communist or whatever so they generally don't tolerate American military gingers too well.)

Before you go feeling sorry for me and start sending wine and chocolate (I won't scold you for the wine or chocolate, so don't be shy), I should admit to you that I whole-heartedly agreed to this decision. We didn't have to go to Korea. Steve approached his branch manager about openings, his branch manager said that he had some slots to fill in Korea, and we made the decision to go for it. If you know me in real life (because please, we all know this blog is a fantasy-land), you know that Steve and I have been fighting to get out of Fort Campbell since before we got here. I won't go into detail about the (how shall I say this nicely?) misfortunes we've had here, but we are both in solid agreement that we want out.

This is not to say that I was not 100%, completely against this entire Korea idea to begin with. Steve brought it up to me months ago. While we were arguing about something else. Probably something stupid. And I dug my heels in the ground and fought it until he didn't bring it up anymore. Then he tried a new angle. He brought it up during peace times. Revolutionary. I tell you, this kid's going places. (Hint: Asia)
He asked me to consider it again. I refused. A gigantic knot immediately formed in my stomach.

"Korea is filthy!"
"They eat dogs!"
"We will be the tallest people there!"

After a few more emails back and forth, I realized that most, if not all, of my arguments against being stationed there, were out of pure ignorance. I knew nothing about this country, other than the awful things other people had told me. (For the record, people told us great things about Fort Campbell and we know that shazz didn't pan out so that was the first of many flaws in my argument.) I hadn't bothered to do any research before saying, "Ugh! No way." I just knew that Asia (in general) was out of my comfort zone. I didn't want to go there. I only like the orange chicken from that crappy Chinese place in the mall. I am afraid of eating bow wow chow. What if I can't plug my hair dryer straight into the wall. Does anyone speak English. The plane ride there has to be at least 42 hours long. Wah wah wah. Ok let's google.

Turns out, Korea is kind of like a totally civilized, developed country. It is family-friendly. I did research and have mostly read good things about it (and most of the bad things revolve around my severe hatred of heat and humidity, both of which run rampant during the summer months). I talked with my (half-Korean!) neighbor whose sister is stationed at Osan. She loves it. Her kids love it. My neighbor loves it. She confirmed my fears that the Koreans do, in fact, eat dogs. She made me a Korean dish that did not involve dogs. I fell over and died of deliciousness after I licked the bowl clean and then came back to life rather suddenly when she informed me of the calorie content.

I finally talked with Steve on the phone. After hashing out our closing arguments for and against Korea, I finally took a deep breath in and said, "Ok. Let's do it." The knot in my stomach instantly went away. And that folks, is how I know this is the right decision.

Steve seemed completely shocked that he had won an argument (there's a first time for everything), especially one of this magnitude. But he's a good man and I am big enough to admit when I'm wrong. (I'm also big enough to admit that I'll never be able to wear white pants or jeggings but that's a story for another day.)

The selling point? Aren't you all curious as to how he brainwashed me into this horrible decision? Three years together as a family. Three straight, solid years to have my husband with my babies every day. In my bed every night. Next to me every day when I wake up. I can't get that here and I know it. The next deployment is already in the works. There is training being scheduled, missions being set. IT IS TOO SOON FOR THAT SHIT CAN I GET AN AMEN?

So ultimately, the decision boiled down to family time. I want my family together as much as possible (who doesn't?) and this was the one way to make that happen. 

Of course, after making this monumental decision, we had to.... wait. And wait. And wait. And it felt like a fuh-REAKING eternity, but he finally has a solid piece of paperwork saying it's a go (or as solid as the Army can be, which we all know is somewhat shaky). We are moving to Asia, people. And not necessarily in a time frame that I find comfortable but basically right after he gets back from deployment because God forbid anyone breathes for just a second but OH WELL we'll chalk this one up to "keeping life interesting".

All of these things I was holding my breath for... whether or not I should get the piano tuned, hang up those pictures, buy and paint that cute dresser off craigslist, purge the plastic crap in our house, sign Sam up for preschool in the fall, buy a dress for the ball... all of my questions are answered. Most of them sound like "No" or "No way in hell" but at least I've finally got an idea of what to expect.

In the meantime, I need to purge purge purge, drink a lot of wine with my Fort Campbell friends, lose 87lbs so I can wear next to nothing during the sure-to-be-brutal Korean summer, eat all of the American things (sounds counter-intuitive when you consider I also need to lose 87lbs, but just go with it), brush up on my Korean (haaaaaa), get my babies passports, and see the people I need to see before we hop on a plane to a place we know not-a-lot-about.

I am so excited for this adventure. I totally expect to get some jacked-up looks for being so happy about this, but I can't imagine it's any worse than the look I got from Steve that one time I told him I wanted a pair of pajama jeans. We both agreed that we wanted an adventure out of our time in the Army. We had pictured Europe. But ohemgee that is so overdone. Get ready Korea. We're cashing in on this fortune cookie.

I'd say Afghanistan is pretty far away. And that fortune has been hanging on our fridge for over a year now. And yes, I am fully aware that fortune cookies are China's "thing." Maybe with the exchange rate, cashing this sucker in Korea will yield us GREAT news. We'll see.