The post where I tell you about Hell and how I visited there for a spell

Buckle your seatbelts, friends. I am fixin' to tell you the story of our hellish journey to Asia. But first I'd like to send a shout-out to our sponsors, who made this horrific story possible:

-- the US Army (and its BFF- Budget Cuts)
-- MRSA
-- children
-- layovers

Now that we've got the official business out of the way, let's begin.

It all started when we got kicked out of housing early Friday morning. My children were running around with blackened feet, courtesy of my floors that I had no intentions of mopping post-movers, and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to tidy up the place and make it appear that I actually cleaned it. The clearing inspection on our house went like this:

((housing lady getting out of her car and approaching my house))

I run with two wet paper towels to the sticky mess I just found in the laundry room and frantically scrub the floor as she's ringing the doorbell.

**ding dong**   scrub, scrub, scrub!

(side note: She's TEN MINUTES EARLY. When every second counts, this is killing me.)

She comes inside and comments that we still have things to take out of the house. As we throw all of our last minute belongings out into the front yard, she inspects the rest of the house. This takes all of five minutes. She comes back downstairs and we wait to hear what all she is going to charge us for. Holding onto the counter, and gripping baby thighs like the Death Drop roller coaster handle, we listen as she says, "Y'all have really kept this place up nicely! When did the movers leave?"

Struggling to comprehend her brand of humor, we mutter "yesterday."

"Really! You would never know movers were here by how clean your house is."

Well lady, don't go taking off your shoes or looking at my kids' feet because you will be so disappointed in your inspection skillz.

We got out of there quickly (before she realized her mistakes) and dumped the kids at Vickie's house while we ran a bunch of last-minute errands. (Side note- we really miss this part about living at Ft Campbell.)

We spent Friday night in lodging on post. Saturday morning (after many painful/tearful goodbyes), we got on the road and headed for Atlanta. We arrived in Atlanta eventually, but not before we got stuck in miles of traffic in a storm. Don't worry people, THE FUN ONLY CONTINUES.

We got a hotel near the airport and visited with both of my grandparents. On Monday morning, we checked out of our hotel and made our way towards the car drop-off area. It wasn't at the airport of course, so my awesome hotel-next-to-the-runway find was kinda for nothing. We hung out at this car place for a few days (kidding- only a few hours) and then took a taxi van to the airport. Our flight didn't leave until 10pm. We arrived at the airport at 2pm. After going through security and finding our gate (which wouldn't be ours until many many MANY HOURS later), we decided we'd go to the USO. Which was located outside of security, naturally. After we drove everyone inside the USO absolutely bonkers and drank a sufficient amount of their coffee, we ventured back through security and on to our gate. The plane was delayed of course and we waited some more. But at least I didn't have the only screaming kids there. (Bonus.)

We got on the plane finally and headed to Seattle. The kids slept a bit on this flight and overall it was easy. We got off in Seattle and met up with the fabulous Lauren! How sweet is she to drive all the way from Portland to see us?! And she brought so many goodies and didn't seem all that disturbed that my children were acting like beasts and I appeared to be on drugs. (I wasn't, but that would have been nice.) We arrived in Seattle around 1am and our next flight to Korea didn't depart until around 8:30am. You might be wondering who constructed such a f*cked up travel schedule for us, and that is where I really must extend a huge thank you to our first sponsor, the US Army. (We were told, however, that if we had pets, we would be able to get a direct flight. Which, I'm sorry, NO SENSE DOES THAT MAKE. And yes, I considered adopting a cat or hamster or something just to get the direct flight.) It was around this time in Seattle that I noticed Molly was getting unusually hot. Like feverish hot. I searched every bag and could NOT find my thermometer, but luckily had remembered to pack infant ibuprofen and tylenol. So I started alternating those in hopes that her fever would go down. I figured she had an ear infection and was just generally tired from the random bits of sleep she was getting.

Eventually we had to say goodbye to Lauren and the US and boarded our flight to Korea. Which was actually a flight to Japan, but you get the idea. We were headed in that general direction. Both kids konked out before they even cranked the plane and I posted a picture to Instagram and Steve and I high-fived each other because clearly we are the most awesome parents ever and this was actually going to work out. Except we should know by now what horrible luck it is to ever think you have it figured out, and an hour later (AN HOUR, PEOPLE), they were both up, screaming, crying, and Molly's fever was back. I kept alternating medicine and I know I was getting the judge-y eyes from everyone because they had no clue she was sick, they just kept witnessing me pumping her full of medicine. Her constant screaming was also very endearing. She laid on me nonstop. And if I somehow convinced her to sleep in her carseat for a minute, Sam needed to lay on me. No meals were had and I feel like we missed every single opportunity for a drink. By the time we landed in Japan, we are all tired, starving, dehydrated, and Molly was still sweating from a high fever. SO MUCH FUN, YOU GUYS.

I asked about medical care for Molly in Japan. They said our only option was to go to their ER, but by the time we would be seen, we would definitely miss our connecting flight to Korea. So we waited in the terminal. And for reference, this was not an airport in Japan. It was a flight line on one of the bases and we just walked straight off the plane, across the runway, and into a half-air-conditioned building with chairs. Then they (ever so slowly) refueled the plane and allowed us back on (two hours later). Molly still sick, Sam still not sleeping, and Steve and I at our wits end.

We finally land in Korea. AMEN AND HALLELUJAH. My grand plan was to get checked in to our room on base, give Molly a cold bath, and get her checked out at the local hospital the next morning. Naturally our platinum sponsor has a way of ruining my grand plans.

We were immediately (in a hurry-up-and-wait sort of way) herded off the plane and into a customs briefing. From there, the shepherds led us down into customs, where we had to wrangle the 9,487 bags we had (while carrying a sleeping Sam who REFUSED to wake up and Molly attached to my front- oh we were a pathetic sight, you betcha) and then out to the buses. (We flew into Osan, but had to be bused up to Yongsan.)

I fell asleep on the bus ride and Steve kept waking me up so I didn't get knocked unconscious by the headrest in front of me. (Take me out, headrest! Let me go towards the light!) We finally arrived at Yongsan, where I planned to take the kids and chuck them in bed. But wait! Another briefing first! By this time, being awake for over 50 hours, I am over it. Completely over it. I don't even attempt to smile at people and I inquired again about medical care for Molly. I am told that the only real option is to go to the ER. I tell the lady that this is a living hell. She backs off because I think she's seen a crazed woman like this before. Finally a timid-looking soldier comes over to me and says that I can go ahead and check into our room (down the hill from the briefing). I refrain from making out with him on the spot and instead, thank him and begin dragging the kids down the hill to the hotel. I check us in and go up to the room. It's amazing. Air-conditioned and there's a bed in there. Really, those were my only two wishes at that point. I begin to strip the kids down for baths (because holy crap the germs), and that's when I see it. A big black ugly spot on Molly's back, near her armpit. Instantly I knew that that was what had been causing her high fever. And instantly I knew that I couldn't let it wait until the morning. So I cried while I gave her a bath and apologized for not seeing the bite/welt/spot on her before. I made a confused Sam put his shorts back on and told him I'd bathe him later. I rushed downstairs, prepared to bust into the briefing and make a huge scene to get Steve out, but luckily he was already down there, attempting to maneuver the eight thousand bags we had.

We took a cab to the ER and they pretty much had no clue what it was. A bite maybe? They drew blood (I cried while they dug for a vein IN BOTH ARMS MULTIPLE TIMES) and gave her an IV and sent her home with an antibiotic. We were scheduled to follow up with the pediatric doctor there the next day at 1pm. Except the next morning, Steve got word that our bus was pulling out at 12:30. Because of course. Molly appeared to feel a bit better the next morning, but was still acting tired and clingy and generally not herself. We cancelled the appointment since we wouldn't be there and got on our bus. We couldn't get a bus straight here of course, so we stopped at Camp Red Cloud and had another hour plus "layover" until the next bus came and brought us to Camp Casey. We got off at the Casey Bus Terminal and then.... nothing. No one met us there (hello sponsor that we just HAD to have??), no one told us where to go, and we didn't know what to do. So Steve goes inside to see if anyone can point us to lodging, and luckily, it was really close. Not really that close when you have eleventy billion bags and two kids to haul, but still doable. Right then, as I was sweating my guts out and begging Sam not to throw rocks at the plate glass windows, the heavens parted and some Southerners pulled up. "Throw your bags in here! We'll give you a ride! This was us just a few weeks ago."

Oh these sweet people took our bags to the hotel and then helped Steve figure out who to call so he could check in with his unit. After all that was finished, we collapsed into bed and hoped everyone was on board with my plan of sleeping for 15 hours straight.

Except that didn't happen, of course. 3am and rarin' to go! We waited a mother-lovin' eternity for the breakfast place to open at 6:30 and then took a cab down to the TMC (medical clinic on post here- no hospital). I told them that surely something was still wrong with Molly because her fever was still raging and she wouldn't calm down. The doctor here immediately said it was MRSA and gave us a new antibiotic. You can imagine how fun all these doctor visits were when we weren't "in the system" or switched over to the right version of Tricare yet (overseas versus stateside Tricare). So fun! We were told that we should go BACK to Yongsan to follow up with a pediatrician there (? because of their accuracy in diagnosing her the first time?) and they would put a referral in for that. Too bad we can't schedule that appointment until we are officially registered in Tricare Overseas! And too bad it's Friday and that sht isn't happening til Monday at the earliest! Oh well! Have fun with your super sick baby in that tiny hotel room!

The new antibiotic seems to be helping. We are starting to see more of our regular Molly and less of the super sick psycho baby that took over her for a while. We journeyed down to Yongsan yesterday (by bus- that was super fun) and the pediatrician said that she cannot confirm nor deny that Molly has MRSA without doing a culture, and there wasn't enough goop left in her boo-boo (for lack of a more graphic word) to drain (ew). But since the current antibiotic seems to be doing the trick, keep that going. We were also told to do warm compresses three times a day for 20 minutes each time and I just looked at her with the crazy face because what child is gonna sit still for that?! Twenty minutes?! It would be a miracle if this child sat still for two minutes. So naturally I'm half-assing that part of the regimen. We have another follow up appointment this Friday (except it's up here at Camp Casey and I'm scratching my head as to why we can't just keep seeing the same people, wherever they might be) and hopefully they'll be all, "She's healed! Quit waking her up at night to give her this crappy tasting medicine!" Anyways. I'm getting carried away.

Despite this horrible HORRIBLE experience upon arriving, I still can't help but love it here. The people are so nice, I am in awe of everything- from all the signs I can't read to the insane way everyone drives, and can't wait until we move into an apartment so I can just lock myself in a bathroom and drink some wine every now and again. Amen? (Side note- we sign our lease this afternoon! Ahhhhhhhyayayayayayayayay!!!!!)

There's Pinterest, and then there's Real Life. You know we're on the Real Life side of things.

I promise that once I recover from The Trip From Hell, I will share details. But for now, we are living in a tiny hotel room, Molly is sick, and I am not sane enough to relive the journey over here just yet. We are really close to finding an apartment, and hopefully we will be moved in soon. In the meantime, I'm going to show you how to take family pictures that will never get pinned on Pinterest. Because not every child has the innate ability to say "cheese" on demand.

This was as good as it got for Molly. No smiling, but at least she wasn't screaming.

You can hardly tell I'm sweating through my dress.

You can tell they're concerned about where this is going. No worries, little people. Nooooooo worries.

Gotta love how cooperative toddlers are.

Apparently you can threaten him enough and he'll actually smile!

Not this one though.

Here's the money shot.

And another! Did I mention that we all stripped down and changed on the side of Campbell Blvd? I have no shame anymore.

Oh the humanity!

This was totally forced and they were both screaming here. A lovely display of sibling affection.

I don't know how Jackie got this one, but I swear she's a wizard.

Annnnnd we totally cropped the screaming children out of this one. We look somewhat normal, right?

And there you have it, folks. Real life.

((And #10 is done!))

The last weekend, part two (aka I got a new lens for my camera so there might be an excessive amount of photos here)

**Part one blogged here**

After my family left on Sunday morning, we made the short drive to Hopkinsville so I could pick up my latest craigslist find.... a new lens for my camera. But there was no time to test it out right then- I needed to wash sheets and get ready for my best friend from high school (and first college roomie) Brittany. She drove up for one last, quick visit and we had such a blast. A Target trip, catching up on people we know, and sharing stories about new friends and what's going on in our lives now. Funny how with old friends, you don't need to backtrack and tell the how's and why's of everything; they already know them. Makes short visits like this much more productive.

Once the sun started setting and the kids woke up from naps, we wandered outside to play. Behold the work of the new lens.

Deep thoughts.

Molly's BFF. I don't wanna know what living next-door to anyone else feels like.

Big girl goes where she wants. And this time, she wanted to go to the park.

The park is infinitely more fun when Vickie hand-delivers popsicles. Seriously, life doesn't get much sweeter than this.

Pause for the airplane.

Back to work.

Isn't she the cutest? I am in no way biased.

Don't you love her fancy sandals? Even if she's wearing other shoes, she still insists on carrying these with her.

I thought you said your friend was visiting????

Oh yes! Just warming up the camera with the babies, that's all. Here she is!

Ta-da! Brittany!

And here's Steve, in case you forgot what he looks like.

Thank goodness he passed on those baby blues to our children. ((swoon)) I married well.

People like to assume that she's the mom and I'm just the chubby friend who is dressing like a mom for no reason. I definitely have hair envy.

A quick stop to check on "da boi's" and see what's new in Legoland.

If she ever cuts her hair, EVER, I think I will cry real tears and say crazy things like, "Do you know people would KILL for your hair?!"

WTF is this, the cover of Parents' magazine? If I didn't already love her so much, I would hate her and her gorgeous self.

The next day, the movers came. I looked just as rough as my house and Brittany willingly took a bunch of our crap and claimed she would use it. She is very sweet in addition to looking like a model. We have two more days of two different movers coming and I'm still in denial that we'll ever leave this house. I am starting to FULLY GRASP this whole "bittersweet" concept. Not a fan.

The last weekend- and so much happened that I have to split it up into two posts. So this is obviously the first one.

For our last weekend in 'Murica, my parents, brother, and sister came up to visit. I wasted no time in getting down to business- laughing til I cried, staying up late, eating a honey bun the size of my head, and watching other people assist Sam in burning off his (endless) energy. It was such a fun weekend.

Molly giving her best "come hither" look (to a donut, naturally). My children who refuse to cooperate for pictures. Matching boat shoes.

Naturally, it wouldn't be complete without a donut run. We made one last trip to Whistle Stop Donuts in Hopkinsville and tailgated in hopes of seeing a train. (You know you're a parent when.... this is what tailgating looks like for you.)

I love energetic uncles...

And safety-conscious aunts.

After lunch and naps, we headed out to our backyard to grill and play- two things we will soon be missing A LOT.

Garlic hummus with carrots, honey-garlic chicken, garlic-roasted sweet potatoes, teriyaki green beans (with garlic), and brats. No garlic on the brats. I would hate for anyone to have bad breath or overdo it or anything like that. Side note- I LOVE GARLIC. Also, best pic we could get of Molly. What can I say, the girl is not into focusing on photos when she could be eating garlic-infused food.

S'mores OMG. I could eat six million of these suckers.

After the kids went to bed, we played a rousing game of Boggle, drank a little moonshine, and scratched our way to being a few bucks poorer.

The next morning, we made a tasty breakfast of eggs, bacon, honey butter biscuits, and cheese grits (my dad makes THE BEST cheese grits and I will miss those- my thighs will not), and then they had to get on the road. We had just enough time to wash the sheets before our next visitor arrived a few hours later..... Stay tuned folks...

Everything you ever wanted to know about Fort Campbell, with pictures AND links! So helpful!

With our days dwindling here at Fort Campbell and a new and unknown duty station on the horizon, I started thinking about all of the things I wish I'd known about this place when we got here (and the things I wish I knew about where we are going). It's hard coming into a new town with no friends and wonder where you should go to get your hair cut, or where to find the best Chinese food, or which preschool you should send your child to. So I have compiled a list of these things for the Unprepared Army Wife like myself that doesn't want to read dozens of Yelp reviews on gynecological care or Mexican restaurants. Just tell me who's the best dammit. So without further ado, here is The List.

I got my teeth cleaned at Clarksville Dental Center.

I saw my OB/GYN at Premier OB/GYN. (Dr. Sawyer- she is hilarious and amazing and most likely booked. But worth a shot anyway.)

Molly did well-baby checks at Aquino Pediatrics.

Sam did well-baby checks at Screaming Eagle Medical Center. (It's a long story as to why they don't go to the same clinic. If you're interested in that precious backstory, just email me and I'll spill it.) (And PS, you will most likely want to switch to Tricare Standard when you arrive. I promise you that your sanity is worth so much more than that tiny baby deductible. And going to BACH will eat up your sanity quicker than I eat a Reeses.)

I got my hair did at The Chameleon Salon.

For any waxing or massage needs, go to Studio Wax. (And don't be scared.)

I never found a nail place that didn't creep me out in some way or another. Sorry for my lack of help there.

I got spray-tanned for homecoming at Bella Medical Spa. 

Back when we had dogs, they went to the vet at Oak Grove Animal Hospital. We boarded them at The Pet Lodge. That place is twelve different kinds of awesome and you can tell those people really like their jobs. Worth the drive.

Good Chinese food (fresh) can be found at Redwood Chinese (and they deliver). Also, an English-is-my-primary-language person works the phone so the entire process of ordering is very easy. Sometimes if you ask them for more than one fortune cookie, they will put in 17. Not joking.

A farmer's market happens every weekend in the warmer months in downtown Clarksville. If fresh, organic produce (read: $$$) and random homemade lovelies are your scene, you might enjoy this weekly event. (Bring cash.)

All Walmarts make me feel like I need a shower post-shopping, but out of all the Walmarts in the Fort Campbell area, the one in Oak Grove skeeves me out the least. Under no circumstances are you allowed to go to the Clarksville Walmart on Campbell Blvd. Especially after dark.

For a wide variety of delicious donuts, as well as the possibility of sighting a train or two, make the drive to Hopkinsville and go to Whistle Stop Donuts.

If you're in the market for a good, fresh glazed donut, take a drive through the country and visit the Mennonites at Schlabach's Bakery. (Donuts are only available on Saturdays in the morning.)

We have only picked strawberries at McCraw's Strawberry Ranch, but friends tell me H&S Farms is a good place to go as well.

If you have no kids to tow and time to kill, This Old Place is an interesting place to browse. Also, you can drop some mad money at Miss Lucille's.

Sam went to preschool at First Presbyterian. We loved the teachers and his classmates and it was a really great experience all around.

Kids N Play is a fun place to take your kid(s) on a cold or rainy day. Just be sure to sanitize everyone post-playtime and bring socks, mama. You will most likely be going into the playplace yourself.

Zig Zag Bouncers is an indoor bounce house/play place in Hopkinsville. You pay one admission and can come and go all day long. Their prices are cut in half from 4-8pm. This makes some after-dinner bouncing well worth your money. (For us, we only had to pay $4 for Sam, $0 for Molly (since she's under 2), and $0 for parents (Bring socks! You can jump too!). So for $4 (we went during the half-off hours), we all got to bounce and play and everyone slept GREAT that night.

You can go "hiking" at Dunbar Caves. The longest loop is only 1.91 miles though. So maybe you can do it twice and call it a hike.

There really are a bunch of great playgrounds on post and in Clarksville. Liberty Park might be the best one off-post. This one is really nice as well, and much closer to post. On-post, the gate 1 park is the greatest (in my humble opinion) because it is huge and shaded. Others might argue that the gate 5 park behind Starbucks is the best because, well, Starbucks. Also, a splash park. But it is way too crowded for my liking and you need to get there around 8am to secure a slice of (severely limited) shade.

Another note- the splash park behind Starbucks is overcrowded because it is the only free water "facility" on post. There are four other pools (3 outdoor, 1 indoor), but you must pay to use them. (RIDICULOUS)

The Greenway is a nice place to walk/jog, especially in the fall when the leaves are changing. It's a sketchy drive to get there, but just keep reminding yourself that you live in Clarksville now, and this is your new normal.

You can go paint a picture at Swirlz. Personally, I am not impressed with the selection, but it's an excuse to get out of the house and drink your wine somewhere else.

The local winery hosts a Jazz On The Lawn event. I have written about our experience here. As with most events in this area, I would advise you go in with low expectations. Then at least you can only be pleasantly surprised.

You can kill an hour or so during a rainy day at the Don F Pratt Museum looking at jeeps and helicopters and military displays. And across the street is Sam's most favorite reward for behaving at the commissary- a park of old airplanes and helicopters (as well as memorials dedicated to fallen Fort Campbell soldiers).

Go pick your pumpkins at Christian Way Farm. Do it. DO IT. You won't regret it. The drive is worth it. Get there right after lunch so you have time to do everything. And bring cash because that place is out in the sticks and God only knows where you can find an ATM. (Blogged here- prepare your eyes for eleventy billion adorable pictures.)

At Christmastime, you should park your car and walk through Christmas On The Cumberland.

You can expect a deliciously greasy burger at Johnny's. You can eat delicious greasy burgers AND corn nuggets at Kelly's Big Burger, so obviously this is where I would prefer to eat all my meals. (Bring cash for both places.)

Pancho Villa has good Mexican food. We've never strayed so I can't comment on any other places in town. Blogged here and with an old video of baby Sammy.

Jackie does amazing photography work. There are a lot of "photographers" around here offering cheap sessions, but keep in mind that you get what you pay for. A fancy camera does not a photographer make. (Notice how she got my children to smile (Molly- sort of) and angled me so that I don't look 200lbs heavy. MIRACLES. BOOK HER NOW.)

Other interesting facts:

• The water on-post and in Oak Grove is VERY HARD. Add more detergent to everything. And Lemi-Shine to your dishwasher. And buy a faucet filter for drinking. That sht is barely passable for human consumption.
• You can't buy wine at a grocery store in Tennessee or Kentucky. Yet there are drive-through liquor stores so you tell me how that makes sense.
• You can't get on the wait-list for housing until you physically get here. I've heard that's just a crazy Ft Campbell thing, but is it like that anywhere else? It makes absolutely no sense, but get used to it. That might be your new mantra here at the home of the Screaming Eagles.
• We've lived on-post and off and prefer on-post by a landslide. Maintenance guys come by and fix the things that break, I am mailed a check every month for not using all of my allotted energy, I can walk to six different playgrounds (all within a one-mile-radius), husband comes home after PT and for lunch, and I can pass my kids over my fence to my neighbor when I'm stressed out. I SEE NO DOWNSIDE.

*******

I just read my list to Steve to see if I left anything obvious out. "You make this place sound desirable," he said. Well. That certainly wasn't my intention. I just thought of all the things I'd like to know about my new town upon arrival and wrote them down. It's no secret that we haven't really enjoyed being stationed here. It's a typical Army town, I guess, but our main issues have come from the job-side more than anything else. The good part that I am genuinely sad to leave behind are our amazing friends. I seriously could not have fallen into a better bunch of people. But I didn't meet these folks overnight. I'm still amazed at how I ended up knowing some of these ladies. All of that to say, don't be shy! Go talk to that weird-looking, frizzy-haired mom in the yoga pants at story-time. She might be really cool despite how sweaty she is!

This is not an exhaustive list, just the things I could think of to recommend. Fort Campbell friends, did I leave anything out? Anything you wanna add?