Update: am still pregnant

So I hit the 37 week mark. Whoop-dee-doo!! My little emails tell me this is considered full term. They also tell me that s/he is a stalk of Swiss chard and should come out with a full head of hair. I don't know what Swiss chard is (they should really tailor these baby emails more towards country bumpkins like myself) and Sam didn't have much of any visible hair at birth. So I'm guessing that the people sending me the emails have no clue what they're talking about.

I will spare you from a whale shot of myself this week and show you this blue-eyed cutie instead.

There is also mention of Braxton-Hicks contractions and how they should be upping themselves in frequency. I have yet to experience a single one of these suckers, so that's another strike. Maybe I should just unsubscribe from these emails and listen to my doctor instead?

Yes. That sounds about right. Because she had GOOD NEWS for me AND you yesterday! How is this even possible since she doesn't know you? Well, she basically informed me, in a roundabout, indirect sort of way, that the fudge I make is devoid of calories. It actually has some sort of calorie-burning effect because I LOST THREE POUNDS since last week!?! And my diet last week basically consisted of fudge, some milk, and a heapin' helpin' of more fudge. Losing weight is definitely a pregnancy first for me, as I am an overachiever in the weight-gaining department. (Have yet to receive my gold stars though..) So fear not, you loyal chocolate-lovers, I am here to share the secret recipe with you so you can all lose three pounds in a week and eat fudge like a fool.

Best Fudge Ever

Ingredients:

multiple bags of chocolate chips
creamy peanut butter
mini-marshmallows

Directions:
Dump 2ish bags of chocolate chips into a microwave-safe bowl. Then plop 3-5ish sorta gigantic scoops of creamy (!!) peanut butter on top of that.

Microwave for one minute. Stir. Try not to shove your face in the bowl because it is kind of hot and still a little chunky. (If you're gonna burn your face off, you should at least make sure the mixture is creamy. Just a suggestion.)

Stick back in the microwave and heat for another minute.

After stirring to eradicate all remaining chunks,

throw in as many mini-marshmallows as you'd like.

Stir until they are all coated in the fudgey mixture.

Line a rimmed cookie sheet/pan with aluminum foil.

Then pour the fudge mixture onto the pan.

Spread until somewhat even and then lick the bowl. Lick the spoon. Just don't lick the fudge on the pan. That's not ready to eat yet.

Shove the pan into the fridge and try to resist it for AT LEAST two hours. If you can hold out longer, that's great, but you basically want it to firm up so that it's not mushy and melty.

When it comes time that the fudge has firmed up (or once you've lost the will to wait any longer), take the pan out of the fridge and invert it onto a cutting board.

Peel off the foil and slice up the fudge into decent-sized hunks.

Then you can deem the fudge on the border as "unsuitable" for outside consumption since it isn't as pretty as the fudge in the middle of the pan. This fudge should be disposed of immediately. (Proper area of disposal is typically the baker's mouth.)

Exhibit A: an outside piece of fudge- too tiny to serve to someone else

Sock away most of the fudge in an inconspicuous container and push to the back corner of the fridge so no one suspects anything.

Put the rest of the fudge (that you plan on sharing, begrudgingly) on a pretty plate and bask in the compliments you receive from friends and family about how you are the greatest baker and fudge maker on the planet.

(Note: This fudge needs to stay refrigerated unless you are actively shoveling it in your mouth. Otherwise it starts getting mushy and melty and you will have to lick your fingers and that is not very becoming.)

Now that you have ingested copious amounts of fudge, you can basically just sit back and watch the pounds (all three of them!) fly off of you.

You're welcome.

To wrap up the rest of the baby news, all of my numbers are great, I am one whopping centimeter dilated, and my back hurts like a mother. I am finally experiencing my first pregnancy symptoms and I DO NOT LIKE THEM. Back pain makes me waddle, and waddling makes me look like I ate too much fudge, and that is not an accurate assumption because the fudge made me lose weight! So frustrating!

I had my GB strep test done and who really gives a flyin' fart what the results are because they already told me that I had to be hooked up to an IV for the duration of my labor and delivery, so it won't be an extra needle prick in my hand or anything like that come D-day. A friend gave me some red raspberry leaf tea, but I'm going to hold off on drinking it until after I register myself at the hospital. Not that this registration should have been done months ago or anything... Forget the tour, I just wanna be "in the system" so I don't have to strain my brain to remember things like how old I am and my current weight situation in order to get a room.

I did get these babies packed into my hospital bag, so I think I'm all set now.

Moscato- not my first choice, but it was all the Class Six was offering, so I'll make do.

Breast pads, toothbrush, wine. Done. Let's get this show on the road.