I haven't mentioned it here before, but Sam has a speech delay. Developmentally, he's on track. Speech-wise, he is so far behind the curve that it's not even funny. He has no words for ANYTHING. So that leaves us with a lot of grunting. And screaming. And whining. And y'all, if there's something I cannot stand, it's a whiny kid. They drive me bananas. He gets "therapy" every other week but it is doing next to nothing, progress-wise, in my opinion. Mostly because the lady comes over and prescribes that I do loads of "homework" with him, that mainly involves me detailing out my every move throughout the day and narrating the most mundane tasks. I get what she's saying. Flood him with language. Eventually, he will regurgitate some of the stuff he's heard. Yes. I know. But WHEN. My GOD, there has to be some sort of END in sight. I talk and talk and talk. All day long I talk. I talk to this little audience that never replies. Unless the reply I'm looking for is more whining. Or grunting. Or screaming. And to be honest, I would enjoy a reply that sounded like, "Mama I'm upset because of X,Y, and Z." But instead, I ask these seemingly rhetorical questions all day long about dirty diapers or needing a drink or a snack or wanting to go to bed or if he'd like to take a long walk off of a short cliff. It is kind of exhausting. And now that Molly is here, the speech delay is REALLY affecting us. She is such a stark contrast to Sam that it totally highlights what a difficult child he is. And he was difficult from early on. We can see that now. (Oh, hindsight.)
So while I know I have so much to be thankful for (he is physically HEALTHY, he doesn't have any major developmental challenges, he is adorable!), it doesn't negate the fact that he is a hard child to raise. I'm not really writing this for advice (although your prayers are certainly appreciated), but mainly just to get it off my chest. Most days are rosy around here, don't get me wrong, but some days.... well. Some days are not. And today was one of those not-quite-so-rosy days. I pray for patience a lot. Usually at the time that I'm needing it. But apparently God doesn't ship Patience in the express mail. I'm assuming part of the "lesson" is that it takes patience to receive it. I don't know how He operates.
But I feel like I'm failing my child. I lose my shit with him way too often. Mostly out of frustration. I can't tell if he's being defiant, disrespectful, downright mean, or if he is trying to communicate some NEED to me and is getting frustrated in the process because I don't understand him. So when he arches his back when I try to change his diaper and kicks me and throws a fit, I can usually remind myself that this is just part of being his age. Diaper changes aren't cool. It interferes with playtime. It's cold with no undies on. So I step back and let him throw his fit. I try to speak calmly and give him choices (omg one of the "therapist's" suggestions) as to whether he'd like to look at a book or hold a bottle of lotion or play with a car and then wait for that little storm to pass before proceeding with the diaper change. But today, he was pitching a fit downstairs over NOTHING. Just collapsing on the floor and dissolving into screams. We had been listening to this crap all day. I had had it. I snatched him up and told him that we don't scream in the house, Molly is sleeping, he would have to go to time-out (which is in bed) if he didn't start behaving. Well you can imagine the option he chose. (I'm ASSUMING he chose the time-out option because he continued screaming. This is why the "giving choices" homework is kind of a stretch for me.) I hauled his screamy butt upstairs, but felt that he was wet. So I laid him down on the changing pad and started unbuttoning his diaper. Screams, kicks, slaps. I couldn't take it. I screamed back at him. Cursed at him. Held him down and changed that diaper so fast that I don't think he knew what hit him. And then I all but tossed him into his crib so he could have a time-out. I slammed the door behind me and muttered ugly, ugly things while I flushed his poop down the toilet and folded up the diaper. I am NOT proud of my behavior. But I can't deal with his nonstop. I know it is in a toddler's nature to push the limits and see what they can get away with, and "it's just a phase", and TRUST ME, I've read all the bullshit that says this is going to end someday. Parenting magazine also says that my kid should be reciting 50+ words by now, so I'm not really trusting them on what the norm is for my kid.
All of that to say that days like today make me question whether this is the correct occupation for me. All my life I wanted to be a mother. My mom made it look so effortless and fun that I guess I stupidly assumed that I had it somewhere in my genes to do an equally fantastic job. But I cannot picture my mom losing her shit like I did today. At least not in front of us. And she doesn't even say shit. Not even now. And shit, that feels like my curse word of choice lately. Right after f*ck. Now that I'm pumping instead of dealing with newborn latch issues, f*ck has taken a backseat to shit. But I say them both. A lot. And I need to change that. Especially before my kid grows out of his speech issues. Because I would really really hate for his first word to be "shit."
oh girl, I'm sorry. kids are just tough sometimes and no matter how you cut that cake- it sucks. hope things start getting better!
ReplyDeleteYou are being way too hard on yourself. I'm the same way, I've always wanted to be a mother, and my mom was such an amazing mother, so effortlessly that I thought it was in my blood. But, I have no idea how I am going to raise children. I lose my cool with my dogs all the time. A freaking dog, that will do anything to please me for a treat, I just have to tell it what to do and I can't even handle that. How you parent kids amazes me. I think every parent has the 'oh crap, I have had enough' moments. That by no means makes you a bad parent.
ReplyDeleteoh i wish i had a some sweet words of wisdom for ya girl. all i can say is: i feel ya. i really do. Um... to make you feel a tad better about your meltdown issues with him you should know WE ALL LOSE IT once in a while with our kids. and if people say they don't yell at their kids THEY ARE LYING!!!! or there kids are perfect.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you may be feeling some of the aftermath of the hormones from birth - inadequacy stems from the baby blues. I too felt that way pretty much every day with my first until he was about 9 months - and with my second until she was about 6 months. I still feel very inadequate to this day in raising all three of them.
But you letting some of it out is so good for you... talk about it with other moms around you. find a group of women with other kids their age if you haven't already. You will see that every single one of them goes through this and you are not alone.
Motherhood is SO hard especially in the stage you are in now. there is some MAJOR transitioning going on in your house right now and it's affecting every single person that lives there.
I'll be praying for you. I know God will carry you through. He is strong in our weaknesses.
{{{{HUGS}}}} from Cali ~ Chris
Oy. I wish I had some words of wisdom. But from one mom of a screaming toddler to another, have a big glass of wine, put your feet up, and don't be too hard on yourself! You *just* had a baby, and hormones are in the driver's seat.
ReplyDeleteI have had the hardest time with my kids lately. I get super frustrated and everything annoys me. I think I need some absence to make my heart grow fonder. I am literally with these kids every waking moment of every day- and more often than not one of them ends up in my bed taking over even my sleeping moments. You're in good company! And I'm sure before you know it you'll be telling Sam what I tell Quinn at least once a day- Could you please not ask any questions or speak any words for the next 5 minutes!
ReplyDeleteGirl, this job is HARD! I think we all have days we're not proud of (lord knows I've had plenty), but the fact that we know those days aren't right is a sign that we just might be good at this mom thing. (Right? At least it's what I tell myself after I've pinned down my toddler to avoid getting kicked in the chest during a diaper change.) I'm not here to offer any advice, just... hang in there, lady! They say the days are long but the years are short. It will get better!
ReplyDeleteJen, it's okay. You're doing okay. I'm going to start by reminding you that you just had a baby and you probably aren't quite, right this minute, in your happiest, most-able-to-deal place. And I'm also going to tell you that bringing home a new baby almost always makes glaringly obvious the things we've been doing all wrong with our other kids. The good thing is, though, that children aren't carved in stone. They can be retrained.
ReplyDeleteSecond, never pray for patience. Improperly phrased prayers are dangerous things, and praying for patience (a very common dangerous prayer) will only get your more opportunities to practice it. Nobody wants that. ;-)
Third, Tommy didn't start talking until he was about two and a half. I was a little worried, but not too much, because it was clear he understood what everybody else was saying, so I didn't think it was a cognitive issue (or a hearing issue). Out of the blue, he just started making sense one day, and once he started, his speaking abilities really took off. No amount of talking on our parts really helped, though, so I'd go ahead and ditch the therapist and maintain a normal speaking/story-reading environment. Apparently, this is fairly common with the male gender.
Fourth, small children are stressed by too many choices. (Medium and large-sized chilren are, too; they rightly think it's our job as parents to make the decisions.) Ask him if he wants to wear the striped shirt or the blue shirt, but getting dressed is not an option. Ask him if he wants the green cup or the yellow cup, but getting a drink is not an option. Don't give him an option at all about going out. We're going, now let's put on our shoes. Never offer a choice when he doesn't have one, and all those stressors (for both of you) are gone.
I haven't wrestled with diaper changes too much, but when dealing with an unruly baby, I've just changed them on the floor until the habit was broken. Why the floor? Because I can throw my leg over baby's hips, thereby preventing that irritating back arching. Just make sure everything you need is where you can reach it. :-)
Lastly, you are doing okay. You just had a baby, you are flooded with crazy hormones, and you are probably not in your best place right now. But it'll get better. In two weeks, you'll be feeling better. In six weeks, all the changes in your family life will settle back to normal.
I love you. I know I don't actually know you, but I love you anyway! Email if you want my phone number. :-)
Jennie
Oh girl! I feel ya! AJ doesn't have a speech delay but we go through the same thing on almost a weekly basis. If I'm lucky it's when hubby is at work because then he's not there to judge me for losing it & cussing at my 2 year old! I've also had the thoughts about my own mother & how I absolutely cannot picture her losing it with us in the way I have, and she had three kids under 5! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI tried to comment on this last night from my phone, but obviously, it's still smarter than me. Anywhooo...
ReplyDeleteI won't give you any advice, because well there is none. I just wanted to let you know that my heart went out to you and I'm sure a lot of us can say we're in the same boat. Those toddlers can be so cute.. and extremely challenging at the same time. I definitely called my mom in a mess of tears yesterday over the semi-same issues.
How old is your son? It seems like ours are around the same age, and Drew definitely does not have 50 words! That seems like a high standard to me.. especially for boys.
I'm here anytime if you want some witty conversation once your husband goes back to work.. I'll try my best! Do you still have my number? I unfortunately lost yours, but I promise to save it if you text me again.
xoxo!
And PLEASE don't forget this important helpful fact:
ReplyDeleteYou can turn to wine now. Always, always, always makes things better. My husband is gone this week and I have a sick toddler. I'm promptly going to the Class 6 at opening to get some myself.
Moms are entitled to lose their cool. I believe fully that "super mom" is a total myth. If there's a woman out there who's got it all together and never loses it, she should be making millions off how she manages to do it. Moms who lose it sometimes aren't bad people. They're just human. I can tell you're doing an amazing job with your babies. An occasional outburst doesn't negate any of that. And remember, you pretty much have the toughest job in the world. So just remind yourself of that and at the end of the day, pat yourself on the back for making it through another one without locking anyone in a closet ;-)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry, remember your still recovering from delivery too so things probably bother you more than usual. Our Samuuel did not speak until he was 3 and I babysat a child once who didn't speak until 2 1/2. What worked for them was teaching them just a few, essential signs so they could convey their needs/wants. Within a few months of learning 10-15 signs, they both started associating words with the signs. Its like it clicked that words actually meant something so i def recommend simple signs.
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetie, things will get calmer and normal again.
I am sending you a box so keep an eye out.
P.S. it was so much fun to shop for girl clothes!
Girl we all have those days. Toddlers get frustrated & frustrating not being able to fully communicate what they want/need/care about. I have done the same thing with Wil when he just refuses to be happy about anything - the yelling/cursing all in one quick motion. Just remember that you are still in the very early stages of a new baby in the house hormones are playing a major part.
ReplyDeleteMiss you! Call/txt anytime you need me!!!
I'll bet the supermoms of our memories didn't feel they were handling Momhood as effortlessly as we think.
ReplyDeleteWhenever Ethan has gone through extended "moments" of turdiness, I've done my best to stay detached from his behavior. Put that screamy mcscreamerson in his crib for hours if need be. He'll get the picture. And it won't take hours, I guarantee. Whenever you feel like you're reaching the boiling point, crib him and walk away. If he's fed and he's dry and he's safe in his crib, you have the right and the responsibility to walk away from the situation for awhile and recollect yourself. He can scream his little butt off or he can sit and quietly play with some toys in the crib, but he won't be able to kick or slap or arch or push your buttons.
Cut yourself some slack, and if extended crib time for a misbehaving toddler for a few days is how you can do it, then go for it. Check on him every fifteen minutes, and if he's nice and calm, give him another chance.
You can do this.
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. Those words are coming out of my mouth as well. You are a wonderful mommy. Sam will grow up saying YOU made it look easy. Its just what moms do. There will be hard days. I have a difficult baby and we are only 4 months in, so I'm sure a year down the road I'll be venting the same way- but just know. I lose my shit DAILY.
ReplyDeleteIm glad you got that off your chest! I lose my shit all the time. I lost it this morning when Cullen wanted to get dress at 6:20 (before the lights were even turned on) and Bennett was screaming in his crib. It sounded something like "youstayinyourpjsuntilmommygetshercoffee,youlittle..." {walk into Bennett's room because he cant repeat me yet} "SHIT! GOD, DAMMIT" So I cursed my child and God before 7am, I'm screwed.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness though, I can only imagine how exhausting that is and I will definitely be praying for your patience, Sam's speech, Molly's continual easines. If your therapist finds a bag of burning poop on her doorstep, it definitely wasn't from me.
While you aren't my mother, and I (unfortunately) don't know you in person.. I am POSITIVE that you are a great mother to Sam and Molly. Don't ever doubt that. But nevertheless I will be sending extra thoughts your way that things start to go a bit easier with Sam.
ReplyDeleteI've been right there with ya before. I've lost it many times with my kids and then felt awful for my behavior later and felt the need to apologize. It's normal. I've had the same thoughts about my mom too..."How did she keep her cool with us?" "How did she never yell at us?" Turns out she did lose her cool and she did yell, I asked her in frustration a few months ago. Apparently I forgot and only remember what a great mom she was/is. And I'm sure you are a great mom too. Kids, as sweet as they are and as much as we love them, are frustrating. The only thing we can do is take it day be day, do our best, and breathe. Stay strong, you're an awesome mom. :) I'll keep you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteHey Jenn, I just wanted to say hi, I'm your newest follower, coming over from Katie's blog but I see my good friend from The New Normal is here too :)
ReplyDeleteOh I can so relate to this post, because I have children :) We can all relate, anyone that says different is lying!
You will get through this phase, be strong. You will make errors like cursing (I had to chuckle at parts of this post lol, you're funny!)
It's so hard sometimes isn't it? And as they get older it gets harder! Sorry, but let that be a little preparation :)
Your toddler is testing his boundaries, trying to express himself in the only way he can manage until he learns otherwise. I am sure you are a great mum doing all you can, try and stay calm and don't take it personal. Good luck to you!! Tomorrow is a new day :)
Wow, thank you for being so real. Sometimes it feels like as Christians, we have to act like our lives are perfect all the time, but you clearly defy this expectation. By allowing yourself to be imperfect, you allow others to do the same! Isn't that just like God to use something like that in his plan? Keep up the good work, sister.
ReplyDelete