**The last of the pre-deployment posts! This one isn't all tear-jerky and weepy. (Sorry about those, folks.) If you've made it through all three of these, you're awesome! You deserve a gold star, or at the very least, many many pieces of chocolate.**
We are two days out from D-day. Steve finally got orders. Shit finally got real around here. He finally started packing his bags in case they moved up his leave date (like they've done to everyone else here). So he's packed. And he's packed. And he's packed some more. And guess what? Apparently there is still A TON OF SHIT LEFT TO PACK. Look, I get it. You're going to a war-zone. You gotta have the things you need. But it's starting to feel incessant. Excessive? Incessant? Who gives a shit what I'm trying to say. I'M OVER THIS SHIT. I don't want him to go, but I'm sick of having him here IN THIS WAY (if that makes any sense at all- I'm guessing it doesn't). I'm sick of the daily physical reminders that he's leaving. Random travel-sized shit everywhere. Big green bags full of shit that I bang the door into every time I let Odie outside. Lists and paperwork and SHIT. EVERYWHERE.
It feels like I'm in LABOR, and the sad, pathetic light at the end of this shitty tunnel is giving up my husband for 9 months. Which, hello, sounds like a pregnancy sentence to me.
I am actually tired of eating pizza. That shit is starting to make me feel disgusting. But I am in no mood to argue about something as stupid as dinner. If the man wants pizza, dammit, we're having pizza. My cereal diet will commence as soon as this shitty deployment gets underway.
I'm sick of feeling like shit for leaving the house. Not that Steve is making me feel guilty for leaving. It is my own special guilt recipe consisting of a heaping helping of mom-guilt, mixed with 2 parts Catholic-guilt, and a little pre-deployment guilt sprinkled on top. All served up nice and fresh on a steaming pile of shit. But where were we? Leaving the house. I start thinking about things that would be so much easier to do without ANY babies attached to my person. And since everyone is napping, I can go off and run this errand myself! But as soon as I leave, I start thinking that I should be at home. I should just sit on the floor next to the couch and watch my husband nap, like a creeper. He won't be here that much longer and you'll be wishing that you hadn't wasted your time running stupid errands when you could have been creepin' on him! Stupid, stupid shit.
Now he is telling me there is no room for MY shit in his bag. Seriously? I did not just waste time making stupid letters and chocolate-covered pretzels for nothing. Excuse me while I go rearrange some of his shit to make room for my shit. Shit.
I didn't realize your husband was deploying. Thinking about you! I'm going through the same shit (minus two adorable kids) so when things get super shitty I'm here! ;) Also the cereal diet is the way to go!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat was a lot of shit. And it makes total sense to not want him to be there in that way. The days (weeks, months) leading up to deployment are the worst.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit! I totally get the guilt. But Steve was probably happy to not wake up to you staring at him. Cause that can be scary. Hope all is going well for you and the littles :)
ReplyDeleteI hate the days leading up to deployment, it's the shittiest feeling ever! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean when you say you don't want him there "in this way". I am still a couple months out from deployment, and I am almost ready for him to just be gone. The sooner he leaves the sooner he comes back. All the crap before is just depressing. Thinking about you =(
ReplyDeleteOh I understand the guilt. I still feel it. Like I shouldn't leave the house when my husband is home. I also understand about feeling like you just want him gone becuase I think the reminders make it that much harder.
ReplyDeleteI hope you were able to find space in his bags for YOUR shit. :) If not, it can go in the first carepackage. :)
Nothing wrong with a cereal diet :) or a fudge diet :) You do what you gotta do to make YOU happy.
The multi-cam shit around the house is the worst. There's no forgetting an impending deployment when you are constantly tripping over the most useless of gear. Catholic guilt is the WORST.
ReplyDeleteOh wow! I didn't realize he was leaving so soon! We are a good month'ish out from R leaving and this shit sucks! I know what you mean when you say you don't want him there "not in this way." R and I both hate how weird and stressed things are right now and would just rather get shit rolling...I also can relate to "this shit is getting real" because I feel like we've waited FOREVER just hearing about an up coming deployment but no spacifics. Then a few weeks ago, they start wearing the new cammo, dates are rolling in, FRG's are mobilizing and focusing, orders are coming in this week, the guys are getting of earlier now to go home and spend time with family etc...Although R's bags are not packed yet (however all the extra stuff he won't need back here has been shipped) things are definitely getting real...Hang in there woman! You can do this! You and milk chocolate;)
ReplyDeleteIt was so good to hang out with you today :)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand all these feelings. The few days before they leave just sucks.
Yes yes yes! I hate the 'lead up' I'm all, Just Go! It feels like torture to go through all the preparedness and packing and last minute stuff. Stop delaying it!
ReplyDeleteAlso, my husband left before Christmas, so I had three small things for him to 'open' on the big day. Yeah, he was all I don't have room for these things! Let me tell you, we made room.
Thanks for writing this - I GET IT!
Bahahahaha. I laughed. Is that inappropriate? I laughed at all the shit. And how shit is used in almost every comment so far.
ReplyDeleteAnyway... Girl.. Like I've said it is totally normal to want the hurry up and wait stuff to stop. After all the sooner it starts the sooner it is over, right? Regardless it seems like a long time.. I know.. But YOU ARE A STROMG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN and it will be over soon! P.s. those guilt feelings.. The worst. We can't put life on hold but it feels like we should. Hope you and the babies are good!
The slow torture of knowing they're about to leave - ugh. I only know the feeling of watching Jared gear up for fire season (even though that's no where near what I can't imagine you're dealing with). This year was the worst because in the past it has always been spur of the moment when he'd get a dispatch (working for a private company he was always on-call) but this year he's US Forest Service and had a definite start date. So I let it loom. And it sucked. And much as I wanted to just sit there and watch him pack (let's start a creeper club!) the night before he left (and he totally would have let me, because he KNOWS I'm a sap like that and just wanted to be with his goofy ass), I made myself leave.
ReplyDeleteAll that to say, don't feel guilty about popping out for a spell. It's self-preservation. There's no good way to handle this mess - you just gotta plow through and get one day closer to him being home :) And YES, we're officially October now, turn that calendar baby, you're THAT much closer to getting him home!!!
SO much love at you!
Hey if you timed it right it could have been a pregnancy! Knock out human growing and deployment at the same time. We found out in June that our August deployment date was pushed back but they should just be prepared to leave at any time with very short notice. I think we got 4 days. They left 2.5 months later after we waited on pins and needles for it to be "any day now" ... I was ready to just get it over with. I'm glad you got out to do a few things before he left. Find a childless girlfriend and force her to do ride alongs with you for errands where you just have to run in at 10 different places. You get to socialize and you don't have to get kids out of the car.
ReplyDeletePopping over from Daffodils site. I have no idea how this feels and am wishing I could help you with words of wisdom but honestly no one knows how you feel unless in fact they have had to watch their husbands go off to a place of unknowns. I do know I care and I do hope you can fit your"shit" in his bag throw out a pair of socks or something. HUG I know I am a stranger but I fell like hugging you. More people should read what it is really all about. B
ReplyDeleteOh Jenn, as funny and as real as this post was, I feel for you so badly!! I absolutely totally get you when you say that you should be watching him sleep instead of running errands because your time left with him is short. That's the crazy thing about life going on, sometimes we don't want to move but we have to.
ReplyDeleteI hate that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when your husband deploys or goes away for work for long periods. You are in my thoughts always...
I am so right there with you on the cereal diet when you're doing it alone, it is so much easier and that is some yummy shit ;)
Oh Jenn, I am just now getting around to catching up on reading people's blogs (I suck lately) and I read this one. I am so sorry :( I remember this stage, you don't want them to go but you're just ready for them to leave to get it over with. All of the packing and repacking and the living in limbo just takes a toll. Wish I could reach out and hug you! You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!!
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