This one is kinda gross, potentially offensive, but definitely funny

I know I seem to have a post-once-a-week unwritten rule going on here, but I have almost peed myself from laughing so hard this week, so it almost feels like a disservice if I don't share.

Let's start off with Odie.

She's cute, right? Yeah. Until she's not.

This is the email I sent Steve about the incident that took place two days ago. I can't re-tell it any better than the way I told him since I wrote this a few hours after it happened. Please be warned that I use strong language because this is all very disgusting and I also had a very healthy glass of wine in me. So there are your warnings: strong language and stop eating.

"Most disgusting day EVER. We went to Target, got you a pillow. I got Sam some popcorn when we got in there, and holy cow, that was the best dollar I think I ever spent. He ate that stuff the entire time and didn't whine ONCE. He also ate the entire bag. LOL We browsed for something like an hour (maybe less) and spent less than $10. I know. I'll give you a few minutes to pick yourself up off the floor. I think that's pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. Then we came home, I pumped real quick and we headed for the backyard. Sam was mowing the grass and I looked at Odie and.... wait a minute, she doesn't have a black feathery chew toy. OMG SHE IS EATING A BIRD HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT GET THE F*CK OFF THE BIRD ODIE OH MY GOD. I ran over there and it did not even have a head. Sweet Jesus. Where is my Steve when I need a manly man to take care of this nasty business?! I knew what you would do- get a plastic bag and pick it up. But I am just not that brave. I had the broom back there so I downed some wine and then swatted it towards the gate. I finally got it outside of our yard. OMG. GROSS. Then I think the worst is over, but Odie starts gnawing on the head. GACK. Sam sat on Mater and started pressing buttons, but then came over to me with some weird goop on his fingers. I had no clue what it was, so I made him wipe it on the side of the table. Looked like it coulda been a bug. Maybe. Didn't think too much else of it. But then we went inside to feed Molly and as I was closing the door, I noticed that there was some Odie vomit right outside the back door (right next to where Sam had been sitting on Mater) and it was HALF-DIGESTED BIRD BRAINS OH HOLY BARF. Needless to say, I flipped my shit and almost poured bleach on Sam's hands. I cannot eat dinner. I keep thinking about that bird. Odie is in DEEP. Like, the ONLY reason I brought her inside tonight is because the low is 44. Otherwise, her ass would be outside. Oh my gosh I am so grossed out. I figured that you might get a kick out of that story though. That is all this day is good for apparently. I'm not sure if I'll put this on the blog or not. I didn't take any pictures (obviously) and it's sick as shit. I still can't get over it.

Hope it put a smile on your face though. I LOVE YOU and hurry on back so you can take over as the man of the house. I am SO not good at replacing you.

xoxoxo,
Jenn

PS. I also had to spray out 2 horrifically poopy diapers today as well. Is this deployment over yet?"


My first concerns are obviously if this ordeal is blog-worthy (it is) and that I couldn't eat dinner (but fudge took care of me, don't you worry). So while Odie is a valued member of our entertainment staff here, she is also a filthy dog with filthy ways. Just one more (VERY VALID) reason why I won't let animals lick my children's faces.


Whew. Ok. Now that I've relived that, I fear my Cocoa Pebbles might make a second showing tonight (cereal diet- yes!!!). Let's all hope for the best and read one more story. I actually had to text my sister today to ask her if this was funny or if I was crazy because let's face it; I think I might be a little crazy.


When Sam is tickled, he loses all control of his body.

So when I do tickle him, I make sure to hold him pretty steady, lest he whap his head against the corner of a table and suffer multiple injuries that would result in CPS being informed of my haphazard tickling sprees. But while playing upstairs in his room this afternoon, I went to tickle him while he was on all fours. He literally let his hands go from out in front of him (control of extremities= gone) and face-planted into the floor. Obviously he cried. So I held him and tried to stop shaking from laughing so hard. Then I started singing a song to make him feel better.


(To the tune of Luke Bryan's "Drunk On You" and please don't ask me how these songs get embedded into my brain and what possesses me to sing them to my children)


"Sammy makes his FAaaaaace go boom boom
Right intooo the carpet in his room room
That kinda thing makes his mommy go mmmhmmmmm... HA HA HA"


Now you tell me that's not funny. I laughed until I cried. Like, I threw my head all the way back and laughed from the bottom of my belly. And then Sam laughed. And Molly did too. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. And then I immediately thought that maybe the next stop for me was the looney bin because I JUST MADE MYSELF LAUGH OUT LOUD, so I texted my sister to make sure this was actually funny and not just flat-out weird. She agreed that it was funny so that is how it ended up on the blog tonight.

Don't worry, I plan on making contact with people over the age of two tomorrow. I will avoid making up lyrics and drinking wine while swatting at dead birds.

Also, my deepest apologies to texting half of you the bird saga drama at dinnertime. I'd like to say it will never happen again, but I really don't feel like I can make such promises.