This post mentions poop; you've been warned

Sam had me worried a few days ago with his bodily functions (or lack thereof). He wasn't pooping as often or with the same consistency (ew) that he always has. I immediately starting fearing the inevitable Gloved Hand Pull-Out and was trying to figure out a way to get Steve to do it instead of having to do it myself. (I could make a thousand jokes right now about pulling you-know-what out of your you-know-where, but I will hold myself back.) But then, lo and behold, our little Sammy's face turned as red as a tomato and after some grunting and groaning, we could smell the prize. Luckily it was Steve's turn for a diaper change, and what we saw was pretty, um, NASTY. (Not that all poop isn't nasty, but after wiping that little bottom every day and actually getting his poop on my hands- ACK- I have become sort of immune to the gross factor surrounding Sam's poops.) The poor child didn't even get the poop into the diaper-- IT WAS STILL HANGING ONTO HIS BOTTOM. And then my guilt trip began.
Due to circumstances that I won't go into, I haven't been breastfeeding Sammy the "old-fashioned" way, but instead have been pumping religiously and feeding him via bottle. I'm not real sure why anyone would ACTUALLY breastfeed now, after having done it this way, unless you are just one of those people who can figure it out easily the first go-round. Sam and I were not so fortunate... (By-the-way, totally NOT advocating that you shouldn't try breastfeeding the conventional way, it just didn't work for me.)

Pros:

• Someone else (aka HUSBAND) can always feed your kid and it does not become your sole responsibility
• He is still, in fact, receiving breastmilk, thus making him healthy and strong
• I get to spend at least 10 minutes by myself every 3-4 hours (HEAVEN)
• We get to use pacifiers and not stress about "nipple confusion"
• I don't have to sit out in public with my boobs out under a small piece of fabric that I feel is just a breeze away from exposing some private lady parts to the general public

Cons:

• Must be willing to be hooked up to pumping apparatus for 10 minutes every 3-4 hours (I really don't see how this could be anything but a PRO since you're having the very much coveted "alone time," but some people complain about it)
• Must wash bottles and nipples (eh, not such a big deal)

Ok so OBVIOUSLY the Pros outweigh the Cons. But right before we moved from Virginia to Pennsylvania (and then to Tennessee, ahhh) I slacked off on my pumping. I didn't have time-- had to pack, clean, organize, sort, throw away, tie up loose ends, and get ready for a big move with a little baby! So to compensate for my lack of pumping, we supplemented with formula. And then my pumping slacked off even more and he was getting a heckuva lot more formula than he was breastmilk. I started rationalizing in my head why I should just completely quit pumping and go with straight formula.
"Lots of babies are formula-fed and are perfectly healthy."
"My pumping schedule never lines up with Sammy's sleeping schedule and it makes it harder for us to get things done and/or run errands."
"It would be so much more convenient for me to just mix the formula and chuck the breast pads already, I'm tired of feeling like a cow..."
But then I saw my little man struggling to complete a basic bodily function-- POOP-- and I knew that I couldn't give up pumping for my own selfish reasons. So I started up pumping again and after a few days of consuming more breastmilk than formula, my boy's bowel products are looking (and smelling) much more familiar. And he smiles when he's done! For a while there he looked like he needed a nap after he finished pinching off one of his super-turds. So yes Mama, I learned my lesson and I won't try anything like that again...

And can I go off on a tangent here? (Of course I can!) I was at Mass today with Sammy (it IS Ash Wednesday, people. Go to church and just say no to meat) and the girl sitting in front of me was there with her husband (military) and she had this infant carseat with her, but I didn't see a baby anywhere. When I glanced over later on, I noticed her holding the TINIEST child I think I've ever laid eyes on. I would venture to say the kid weighed no more than 6lbs (and that is being VERY GENEROUS). Now I'm not jealous she had a small baby, that her kid was asleep during church while mine was treating me like his own personal bouncy seat/drool catcher, or even that she basically birthed a small cantaloupe while I birthed a ripe watermelon. Nope, no jealousy there. What got to me was how SKINNY and PUT TOGETHER and ALERT she was, and also dressed in what appeared to be PRE-PREGNANCY CLOTHES. I swear, judging by the size of her child, they probably discharged her from the hospital this morning and she went home, took a shower, and came straight to Mass. The only thing is that she looks like she was never pregnant!!!! Gaaaahhhh.... Meanwhile, I was doing FANTASTIC to just show up to Mass, dressed in something besides my typical sweatpants and Steve-shirt get-up. People like her make me sick, and I know I should be so happy that people are able to get out and do things like that right after having a baby. And I am, I REALLY AM. But it still makes me slightly sick that she looks THAT GOOD with a baby still THAT SMALL. (For the record, I did the Good Christian Thing and told her Congratulations and that her baby was so cute and tiny! And I smiled while I said it!)

Then as I was walking out of the church, I banged Sammy's carseat into the side of the doorway (stupid skinny doorways!) and the man handing out bulletins said, "Good thing that wasn't his head, huh!" Har har. This kid only triples in weight every time I put him in the stupid seat. Add a very narrow doorway and lots of people trying to get out of an overly heated church so they can get to Captain D's already because this fasting thing is FOR THE BIRDS, and you can understand why I was ready to shove my bulletin down his throat. Not the greatest attitude to have immediately following Mass. I was all better after cooling down outside and snarfing down a Filet-O-Fish (YUM).

In other news, I FINALLY learned how to work our video camera! And I took a video! It was great! So easy and effortless that I was left wondering why I hadn't done this sooner. Then I tried uploading the videos to the computer... That is where my story comes to a screeching halt. It says something about it's not a video, and I haven't read that far in the instructions yet, but I'm definitely taking it with me to my brother's wedding this weekend and hoping to capture some footage that will win me millions (or maybe just thousands) on America's Funniest Home Videos (aka: funniest show that I love to watch but Steve hates). I will admit that the Bob Saget replacement does not have the best jokes, but I'm not there to watch him; I'm there to watch kids nail their dads in the groin with bats and baseballs and fat old ladies fall into pools and off porches and I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist of it. I LOVE THAT SHOW.

Yes, my little brother's wedding IS this weekend and I am SO looking forward to seeing my family and wearing HEELS and passing off this little booger of a boy to anyone with open arms! (I'm going ahead and assuming that there will be lots of open arms. I'm optimistic, what can I say.) I have been stressing out about what he's going to wear (like he's the friggin' bride or something) and Steve and I actually found him the cutest outfit while we were at the mall this past weekend. Speaking of the mall, guess what our mall has????? A CHEAP CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT MAKES BOURBON CHICKEN GAHHHHH. Obviously we took the free sample and said that we would be back just as soon as possible to eat dinner there. (Why don't they have drive-thrus at the mall again?) So it's looking like Steve and I are doomed to eat cheap mall Chinese food instead of in an actual restaurant, but it is SO worth it for the bourbon chicken. I cannot stress enough how everyone should try this if they are within a reasonable driving distance to a mall with a cheap Chinese place in the food court. (Plus, free people watching!)
 Anywho, we found this outfit:

but wouldn't you know they didn't have Sam's size!! So the girl working there has my phone number and Steve's phone number, and probably my parents' house number and any other pertinent information so that just in case they get another shipment in before this weekend, I can be FIRST in line to snag one. We got him these cute little blue shoes that would go PERFECT with this and obviously we would put some pants on the child because Lord have mercy if folks caught wind of those chubby little white legs hanging out in the breeze, no one would focus on the task at hand, and that is, of course, to fawn over the bride and her WHITE DRESS. Not my son's white legs (cute as they may be). And duh, I have about six backup outfits so that I can be prepared for the inevitable-- poop smeared up to his neck.

Oh did you say that you're curious what our new bed is like? Is it everything we hoped for and more? Do I wake up looking like a beautiful princess QUEEN instead of the Wicked Witch of the Southeast due to the fabulous nights of sleep I'm getting? The answers to all of the above are YES! And yes, yes, yes. It is so amazing. I actually woke up in the night last night to Sammy crying and found myself DROOLING all over the pillow. That is how good I'm sleeping. I have no aches and pains when I wake up, and compared to the old bed, I was practically a chiropractor's dream. It does everything those cheesy commercials say it does. And a 20-year warranty. Not too shabby. I am sure now that nothing else will ever feel as fine and I am reminded of this daily because I still do my pumping in the spare bedroom on the old springy bed.
I would include a picture of our bed (even though it looks just like any other bed) because it is well-decorated in our new sheets and comforter (QUEEN-SIZE! Did I mention the ROOM? Ohmygoodness the room! No more bumping knees with my comatose husband!!!), but Steve and I have a headboard project in the works and I would rather wait until it's all finished before taking pictures of it.

I think this post might have gotten a wee bit out of control. I'd better stop and post a picture of Sammy before I go any further. And yes, pictures from the wedding will soon follow, do not fear.