Buckle up, this is crazy long

• I left off with the penis cafe and all of you judging me, which was right before my birthday and with Steve leaving for the field. Some stuff happened, but I can't remember most of it until I look at photos. Here is a not-so-quick recap of what we did over the last few weeks.
• Molly got sick with the pukes.

•  Steve left for the field.

• Sam came down with the pukes too, and I realized that we need to own more than 6 kid movies if I'm going to survive days like these.

•  We spent a lot of time in pajamas and doing weird things like crafts.

• I made cookie dough to rally the troops.

• But that didn't stop the pukes. So I juiced fruits and veggies instead.

• That didn't help either. So then I moved onto doing things that would actually have some sort of desired end result. Like cleaning the clog in our bathroom sink.

• Yes, it smelled horrid, but I don't have 20 minutes to wait for the sink to drain. And apparently if you want these things done, you can't wait around for a man to do it for you. After we went more than 48 hours without a puke, we drove to Seoul to celebrate Aidan's 4th birthday.

• Soooo refreshing to speak to adult humans after many consecutive days of being on lockdown in our apartment. Not pictured: multiple children getting stuck in the Burger King playplace. Molly and Levi caught up on the latest basketball game.

• Back at home, I decided to make apple blueberry muffins. And they were not only easy, but the bomb dot com. So make them. Here's the recipe.

• I got my Christmas cards in. Yay! Not 4 months late like last year! But boo they were missing something...

• Molly continued to crack me up in between driving me completely insane.

This is how real ladies shop, I suppose? Not sure where she gets this from, but I find it hilarious.

• Kids finally went back to preschool so I went to Bible study and my sweet friend had made me a birthday cake!

• Ok part of what was missing on the Christmas cards was a picture of the kids (close up). So I dressed them up, took them to a spot I had found back in July, and did their photos. Getting them printed so I could ship them out on December 1 proved to be a whole 'nother sort of nightmare. The place I usually print photos (kinda like Korean Walmart) is closed 2 days each month to give the mom and pop businesses a day to make more sales. The day I needed them printed was one of these days. Naturally. So I take the kids to go find the washi tape needed to cutely adhere these photos to my cards. The drive alone is at least 30 minutes, find street parking, hustle the kids out of the car, put coats back on, go into the store, locate tape, find 30 other things we need, put back everything my children are touching, hustle children out of the store, strip their coats, buckle them in, 30 minutes back to town. Illegally park at train station, unbuckle children, put coats back on, hustle them to the crosswalk, try to explain that if they do not follow my directions, they will turn into road pancakes, get to Kodak store, explain with many wild hand gestures that I need 100 photos printed, am told that the max they will print is 13 (THIRTEEN WHAT PLANET IS THIS?!), tell him that is no bueno, hustle children out of the store, walk back to crosswalk, remind children with my yelling voice about becoming road pancakes, drag them across the intersection, pick up Molly because she refuses to walk and is toying with the idea of becoming a road pancake, Sam face-plants on the sidewalk and needs to be carried, I lug both children back to the car, strip their coats off, buckle them in, drive them home, give them hot dogs for lunch, and vow to try again after naptime. Naptime is inexplicably short. Like maybe an hour. Just enough to keep my crazy at bay for a while longer. Still determined to get these f*(k*#& pictures, I go to the building labeled "Photo Shop" on post, unbuckle children, put on their coats, hustle them inside, Korean lady tells me that the photo man is no longer located in this building, but he is now in the bakery building, curse silently, hustle children back outside, strip coats, buckle carseats, drive half a mile down the road to the bakery, unbuckle children, re-apply coats, hustle children into bakery and into the photo shop, where an old Korean man has a toddler un-friendly set up. I tell him I need 105 photos printed. 
• "5?" 
• No, ONE HUNDRED and five. 
• "100????" (wild eyes)
• Yes, plus 5. Anything in that range will be fine, actually. 
• "How long?"
• I don't know, can you tell me?
• "You want them today?"
• Is that even possible? 
• "Do you want them today??"
• YES I DO. IF THAT IS POSSIBLE. I DON'T KNOW YOUR MACHINE'S CAPABILITIES SO YOU TELL ME PLEASE.
• "Ok I print them. 35 minutes."
• He then proceeds to edit my photo in the worst possible way. He oversaturates Molly's hair to the point that it is bright orange and her green dress is practically glowing. I see what he is doing and ask him to please go back to the picture I gave him. He flips back to it and I tell him, Yes, please print THAT one. Not the other one. THAT one. He nods and I go buy the kids a donut and try to occupy them for 35 minutes. Naturally he brings me out 105 pictures with his edit. Pay for the pictures I'm going to throw away and leave. Hustle children to the car, strip coats, buckle carseats, scream for a minute, and drive home.

• Because I married a damn saint, Steve agrees with everything I tell him about the pictures and agrees that a reprint (from NOT THAT GUY) is necessary. (Ok, Steve probably wouldn't say it was necessary, but necessary to me not losing my shit? Yes, completely necessary. And I know. I know! I am completely nuts to get so worked up over some damn pictures. But I picked out this location for photos in July. I ordered the coordinating outfits in September. I took the photos in November and edited them myself. I love photos. This is what I dooooooo. I did not do all of that work to have some I-D-I-O-T do a shit edit on my photo and make all of that work for nothing. Because I am not sending out a crappy photo to all of our family and friends and have them think that I take pictures that look like that. I will not. I refuse. So the reprint was completely 110% justified in my brain. But please know, if you get a Christmas card from me this year, they are worth at least $8 a piece and the good Lord only knows how much of my sanity is wrapped up in that envelope too. So if I find out you threw it away, I'm gone hafta keel yew. (Kidding! Maybe.)
• At some point in there, Steve came home from the field. Yes, to the hot mess express freaking out over Christmas cards! Fun! Then Thanksgiving.

I made cornbread for the first time from scratch (for the stuffing) and thought that was photo-worthy.

Steve ran out and bought me some celery last minute since the commissary was out of everyfreakingthing. And ya learn something new everyday, dontcha? Who knew celery started out this large and in charge?

Cute and easy. How-to link here.

McDonalds opened up in our town. That's a big deal. And their grand opening was Thanksgiving Day. Coincidence? I think not. We skipped mashed potatoes and opted for fries instead. It's the American way, yes?

The spread

• Since the kids ate nothing but fries and cracker mix, that left 4 adults to eat the rest of this food. Let's just say we had plenty of leftovers. This was my first time cooking a full Thanksgiving meal and I loved it! I prepped most things the night before and just tried to time it so the easy bake oven wasn't too overworked the day of. The turkey breast cooked in the crockpot all day long and came out fabulously.
• We have set to work trying to make our tiny apartment look Christmas-y.

Yes, I received all the crazy looks while trying to stuff this big branch into my car.

• We got our first snow!

•  We had friends over to watch all of the rivalry games and eat breakfast with us.

•  We are all getting better at bundling, even if it ain't pretty.

• Molly refused a nap one day and spent some time doodling with me while Sam napped.

• This was a few hours later after dinner.

•  Another perfectly acceptable dinner- refused.

If your child willfully eats vegetables, feel free to keep that information to yourself.

• We decorated Christmas tree cookies since our Christmas tree requires no decorating (we didn't bring any ornaments with us).

And rolled out the dough with a damn beer bottle because I don't own a rolling pin. Don't worry, I just ordered Steve a rolling pin for Christmas. I'm sure he'll be delighted.

Ugly as sin, but they were easy and delicious

• Sam experienced Dippin Dots for the first time.

In. Haled.

• They lit up the Christmas pole at Camp Casey and tried to pass it off as a tree again!

We were all frozen solid by this point.

•  Rewarded the frostbite with a meal at the new McDonalds. Little people were pumped because "WE CAN SIT ON A SEAT IN THERE????" Are we the best parents in the world, or what?

• Yesterday's Advent calendar activity was to write letters to Santa Claus. A little all-over-the-place, but fairly entertaining.

• Apparently you do not get a big book o' answers when you birth little people, so I am lacking on ideas as to how Santa ties into Jesus' birthday. I told them that it's Jesus' birthday, and he loves us SO MUCH that he gives US presents on HIS birthday! How nice is he??? And Santa brings the presents, because Jesus is super busy and Santa is like Jesus' party coordinator! So be good because Santa AND Jesus are watching you!
• Upon hearing this, Steve was like, "wtf? You realize they're going to go tell other people this, right?" And yes, I'm aware. Go tell it on the mountain, children. If their parents have a better answer, I'm all ears and am willing to tweak my story. Lay it on me.
• My car battery up and DIED on me yesterday morning after I dropped the kids off at school. It was frigid. I called the number for a tow truck and was told that there were no tow truck drivers working that day. And it would be at least 2 hours before a mechanic could come to me. But what's that? You have an American car? Well we probably can't fix it anyway then. Best of luck! Fortunately, Steve picked up his phone on the 847th ring and came over to rescue me. He jumped my car off and I proceeded to go straight to my friend's house and string puff balls and eat brownies. And say a prayer that my car would start again when it was time to go.

• Quit laughing at our $10 tree.
• My car is dead again today and probably in need of a new battery. 
• Sam told us he wants a monster truck for Christmas, so I ordered him one, but wasn't given an option on color. He has since honed in on the fact that this monster truck WILL BE ORANGE and Santa knows it's supposed to be orange and FRICK everybody pray it's orange, please! Come on, Amazon! Don't fail me now!
• Steve went to the store to get me lady items for my Special Time and got everything I needed without me having to tell him! And he brought me back Reeses! Family size bag! I feel like we have entered into a whole new level of awesome in our relationship. The level where he already knows me so well that I don't have to ask for things like super plus tampons or pads with wings or family size bags of chocolate. Ahhhh this is wedded bliss.
• That's all for now. I cursed a lot, but at least there were no penises! Silver lining, people! Silver lining.