Pregnancy brain and bathroom talk

Since I am now dealing with the very debilitating disease known as "Pregnancy Brain, " I had to reschedule my dreaded doctor's appointment for this afternoon instead of tomorrow morning. This was due to the fact that when I made my original appointment last month, Pregnancy Brain was raging and Normal Brain didn't kick in to let me know that this was the week leading up to Christmas.

AKA: The week leave starts.

AKA: Everyone is gone.

AKA: By "everyone" I do mean "babysitters."

So I got an appointment for this afternoon, but that was after I had already eaten Sonic for lunch. Which means that my date with the dreaded scale was going to be even worse than I had previously imagined. And true to form, it definitely was. But before we get to the scale, I have to address a few things.

First of all, the OB's office was super-crowded. More jam-packed than I'd ever seen before. I normally don't make afternoon appointments for this reason, but I didn't have much choice today. One of my fellow waiters came in wearing matching flannel pajamas (Tweety Bird, I believe?) and a Santa hat. And acted TOTALLY NORMAL. Like everyone else was wearing clothes just as ridiculous as hers. I mean, I will admit that I am no sharp dresser (especially when pregnant), but for cryin' out loud, you've got to have SOMETHING else to wear. A pair of jeans? A tshirt? Geez my ratty yoga pants would be a step up from that. And after her grand entrance, she promptly fell asleep in the corner of the waiting room...

After waiting for about half an hour, I began to realize that I needed to use the bathroom. But I had gone before I left the house about an hour before. I hadn't had anything to drink during that time, so I was a little confused as to why I needed to go (exhibit A of the Pregnancy Brain) but then I realized that right next to me was this babbling waterfall thing that hung off the wall and what the? Why?? The crappy pop-inspired Christmas music blaring over the speakers isn't enough? Now there is a waterfall in here to make all of the pregnant ladies squirm and shift?? LUCKILY, I was called back shortly after I saw the water feature and my train of thought shifted immediately from waterfall to SCALE OF DOOM. The sweet nurse never makes a comment and luckily the thing is digital so there's no trying to be polite with the shifting of the little weights on top. I still feel the need to explain that I had already eaten breakfast AND lunch by that time and I really needed to use the bathroom and I think I forgot to set my keys down before stepping on, and and and....

Doc said everything was fine. Ultrasound was great, baby's heart rate is good, blood pressure is "perfect," she ran down the regular precautions to take when flying/traveling while pregnant (no wine/vodka in-flight no matter how awful your toddler behaves) and that was pretty much it. I have to drink the sugar drink for my next appointment in order to take the blood glucose test, so that will obviously be a barrel of monkeys and I just can't wait.

I'll leave you with my first (and last) deep thought of the day, and I had it while driving to my appointment. Before I tell you about that though, I think we should take a trip back to seventh grade, where I walked into the band room (yes, I'm waving my nerd flag pretty high today) and saw a bunch of carbon copies of forms that you take into the nurse's office. They were already filled out and we were all a bit curious as to what everyone's ailments were to get them out of class. The one I picked up made me shriek, drop the form, and then laugh uncontrollably.

Someone had gone to the nurse for explosive diarrhea.

I laughed because I've obviously never had such a condition before (would probably not be laughing if I had), but having had diarrhea on occasion, I could only imagine what the explosive type must be like. And for someone to get it at school? And stand in front of the teacher and wait for him to fill out that form in his slow cursive handwriting? Must have been AWFUL.

ANYWAYS, back to today. I saw so much road rage on my way down to the doctor's office. People were cutting other people off, the "victims" were speeding up to get right beside the offender and give them the bird, then tailing them until they got to the next stoplight to give them dirty looks. It was pathetic. We're grown-ups. But acting like children.
Maybe the "offender" is someone who's new in town and didn't realize that they needed to turn so soon. Maybe they didn't see you coming up so fast behind them. Maybe they're a hundred years old and can't turn their heads that far around to check their blind spot.
MAYBE THEY'RE HAVING AN EPISODE OF EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA AND REALLY REALLY NEED TO GET TO A BATHROOM ASAP AND YOU JUST NEED TO GET OUTTA THE WAY AND NOT CAUSE ANYMORE PROBLEMS FOR THEM.

via Pinterest

Also? It's Christmastime. Show a little Christmas spirit and save your road rage for the express checkout lane at Walmart, where it belongs.