31

Anybody still out there? I'll be honest in that I haven't read a blog since before Hank was born. Here I was thinking I'd stockpile all these posts for some late night reading and then I ended up scrolling instagram or falling asleep with a pump strapped to me. All that to say I'm not sure if anyone still reads blogs anymore or if that's just me (not reading blogs anymore).

Everyone is still chugging along here. Life is crazy busy and chaotic. Moreso than I ever anticipated. When I was growing up, all I ever wanted out of life was to be was a mom. My mom modeled motherhood perfectly and effortlessly (or so it seemed to me) and I wanted the same thing for myself. When I played house, I imagined babies but also taking older children to their sports practices and on errands and it was so fun! I can't wait til I can do this for real! Well now it's for real. (Shit's really real, yo!) I have kids in extracurriculars and I have babies who need bottles and diapers. It's literally everything I ever dreamed of. My Prince Charming isn't in the picture as much as I'd like him to be (deployments aren't as romantic as homecomings) but I'm more in love with him than ever before. So by my definition of success as a 7 year old, I have achieved it. I have it all. Living the dream. I'm trying really hard to remember my 7 year old dreams. Because man this is hard. So so hard. There is not enough of me to go around. Not enough lap space, arms, patience, sleep, or one-on-one time with each child. Some days this feels like a prison sentence (especially when everyone is pooping and puking simultaneously) but most days I really do feel like I'm living a dream. How on earth did I end up with four beautiful healthy children? I have a husband that loves me? (Where? lol) Friends that encourage me no matter how insane I must sound to them. Life is so good. And I'm trying my hardest to remember that.

The last five years have been nuts. I was trying to remember the last time things were sorta calm and relatively normal. And it was in 2012. We had just had Molly and then all hell broke loose. Jk jk jk.... sorta..... But in all seriousness, after she was born, Steve's unit started talking of a deployment. He was told he'd be on Rear D. They transferred him to a different unit last minute and boom- you're going on the deployment. We had a couple weeks to get everything ready for that. So in the fall of 2012, he left for Afghanistan and ever since it's been one wild ride. While he was still in Afghanistan we agreed that he would volunteer for Korea. Came back, declined block leave, packed up, flew to Korea. Two years in Korea that were two of our best and most favorite years as a family (but also the hardest on Steve career-wise), and then he got out. We moved to PA and renovated a house. Steve job searched and had the worst luck ever. Will was born. He finally got the job offer in NYC and we moved again. We lived in a tiny apartment above our sweet landlords. Steve did not enjoy working with the Reserves. He was in active duty mindset still and the Reserves just don't work the same. So we decided we'd move to MN to settle down in the country and get an active duty job with our friends in the National Guard. But the jobs there never panned out (for a multitude of reasons) and we came to a crossroads of needing to figure shit out ASAP because HELLO! PREGNANT AGAIN! Army-wise he had to decide what was going to be best long-term and it was decided that he'd go back on active duty, but enlisted. That process was possibly the most stressful and mentally draining time of our lives so far. And I'm including months of unemployment in that time frame. Nothing was as back-and-forth as trying to get back into the Army. Once he got in, they sent him to the wrong unit and we had to wait six weeks for them to fix their mistake so we could move down to LA. We finally moved and got settled and then I had Hank. Once again, Steve was told he'd be on Rear D for this deployment. Once again, he was given about two weeks' notice to leave. And here we are. About two and a half months into this deployment and in between buying diapers and burping a baby, I drive one to football practice and another to dance. Every day is go go go go go from the minute I open my eyes until I fall face first into bed that night. I don't know when the slow down period is coming but cheese and crackers I hope it's sometime soon. I am exhausted. I can feel it behind my eyes and in my bones. I haven't picked up my real camera in ages. I haven't done anything creative (short of sending funny snaps with ugly filters to my friends). The only things I'm consistent at are feeding my kids, bathing my kids, and lowering every standard I've ever held. Y'all, I can even drink wine anymore. Everyone jokingly (or seriously?) tells me to just have a glass of wine and relax. But I can't! I can't. I have every minute of my kid-free time (when they're in bed) planned out and if I don't get something done while they're sleeping, then I just have to do it the next day. When they're awake. When it's harder. The task doesn't disappear because I skipped it. And I know people know that. But the other side of wine is that it makes me tired. And I think I might have mentioned before that I am already somewhat exhausted. So to drink something that's going to exacerbate that feeling holds no appeal to me whatsoever. I love wine. I really do. We're just on a break right now. We will get back together soon. Hopefully. I just can't do life any more tired than I am right now.

My 31st birthday is tomorrow. We aren't celebrating and I probably won't even remind the kids. Sam has football practice in the evening and we will eat plenty of desserts and treats next week during Thanksgiving break. Maybe I will finally order myself some clothes that aren't maternity. Maybe that phase of life is done. (I know I've said that before during a deployment.... Y'all, I can't resist that man) Most of my 31st year will be spent solo parenting this wild bunch of monkeys so I'm not setting any goals for myself other than "survive" but I'm hopeful that 32 will provide some sort of break. A cool down period. Maybe some sleep. I'm thankful and hopeful and loving the chaos that 31 trips around the sun has brought me. Have a drink for me!